What Really Goes on in the Archives

All you whiners who said that poor dear Samantha and Nellie and Kirsten would die of boredom in the cruel, cruel AG archives? Yeah, suck it.

Because from what I can tell from the olde eBay photo gallery, your Sammy-kins is just beginning to get her groove on.

Peek-a-boo!



Losing inhibitions is a good thing. Samantha's damned proud of being an American Girl these days.



Princess never looked better. Love the tat.



Lay lady, lay, lay across your big brass bed. Just don't lay on the pizza, party girl. Also, that is totally a vibrator between her legs.



Ah, but sometimes a doll can go too far:



Surgery is indicated here, but hey, that also means she gets to score some kick-ass drugs. By the way, while I am not responsible for the navel and nips action in the above photo, my Campaign for Anatomical Correctness takes the credit. Navel and nips FTW.

Yeah, you people only wish you were archived.

Casting pearls of wisdom before swine

Fickle AG collectors always have a hard-on for the Next Big Doll Thing. Right now it's little miss Rebecca Rubin, circa 1914. Never mind that the doll has nothing more going for her than a nice hat and a New York City Born-and-Bred Superiority Complex. The collectors, they are anticipating her with a zeal that rivals that of the Second Coming of Christ.

Which is delicious irony, considering she is The Jewish Doll and all.

So yeah, yeah, yeah, I've been through it all before. Mark my words, that New Doll Afterglow lasts for about a week after Dollgasm. Come mid-June they'll be jonesing for a new Next Big Doll Thing.

Fickle bitches. Here I am, down with the Swine Flu, and all they can think about is new dolls.

That's right, Swine Flu.



AG Hospital staff say the nose should be back to normal in a week to ten days, but what do they know? Their medical expertise is limited to eyeball suctioning and head replacement. Mostly they spend their days trolling AGPT for doll maintenance tips.

But really, I don't mind the nose, because it gives me more to work with for larger-scale piercings. So long as it is temporary. I'm using my enforced convalescence period to kick back in my ass-kicking slippers...



...tune into my favorite JIGGY NYE TRIBUTE BAND, and catch up on my reading. Since there is a Samantha read-along over at AGPT, I decided to reread the Samantha core books -- only backwards to see if they make more sense that way. When you do that you come across odd phrases like "GrandMary had a permanent vibrator implanted in 1902" and "Agnes and Agatha are spawns of the devil" and "Beware the Jubjub bird, and shun the frumious Bandersnatch."

Makes as much sense as anything else in that series.

Sob on, Samantha

I've been busy. Perhaps you noticed I was not included in the recent presidential debates? Not to worry; AJ wasn't slighted. I've reached an Understanding with the two candidates. They now know the real power behind the office they seek, and will respond accordingly come January 20, 2009. So my work there is done.

And, Proboards hacker? I tracked him to an address in San Antonio. Dude lived in the basement of the parental home, had an inflatable girlfriend, and was going to town using the unsecured WiFi from the coffee shop down the street. He's been brought to justice.

Meanwhile, my in-box has been over-flowing from people wanting to know my opinion about Samantha's "archivalment."

Boo frickin' hoo.

Look, I barely had time to shine before getting the AG equivalent of a golden watch and a kick in the ass out the door. Guess what? I'm doing just fine, thanks. Li'l Miss Sammy-cakes has been around for 22 years. That's 22 lifetimes in GOTY terms! And baby has way more than a leaky inflatable raft and a plastic tree swing to show for it, let me tell you.

So cry me a river filled with crocodile tears.

But never fear. You can rest assured that when Samantha and Nellie walk through the pearly gates of the AG Archive, I'll take them under my vinyl arm. In short order they'll be loosening up those tight Edwardian collars, flinging those pesky garters aside, and taking more than a few ladylike sips of absinthe. Things are looking up for those girls!