Random Animal Public Service Announcement

Angry Toshi wants me to tell you lot that today is National Monkey Day, and asks that you celebrate by decapitating your Fios.

He demonstrates proper technique:



Be sure to wear your Santa hats whilst beheading, to keep things festive.

AG, ever the home of random GOTY animals, be prepared to receive a large crate of Fio heads later this week.

Hey, what, I hear tell that new lame-ass American Girl Kanani will be getting a pet Hawaiian hoary bat. I truly hope this comes to pass because the phrase 'hoary bat' is eminently mock-worthy, am I right? Yeah, I'm right.

Annual Holiday Wish List of Doom

Yeah, I've been working on my holiday wish list. It's taken a while. I had to stop occasionally to do mundane little things like, oh, assist in tracking down that WikiLeaks guy, torture that one mod at the top of my List, mount a defense fund for Willy Nelson's latest weed bust, saute some cheap Cyber Monday llama, and hack into Proboards so the entire server system fails.

What? You multi-task by doing laundry and reading the paper. I multi-task by leaving mayhem and madness in my wake.

Be that as it may, I know you people have been breathlessly awaiting my Annual Holiday Wishlist of Doom so you could complete your holiday shopping. Or begin it, more like, because anything you buy after purchasing my gift will be anti-climactic. (Speaking of which, hey, how about that Cyber Monday on the AG site, eh? Doll collectors over on Playthings staying up late in some kind of group orgy thing, getting themselves all hot and bothered, credit cards in hand striving for that ultimate dollgasm and then....site loads....fizzle. I have no idea what that's like but listen folks, you have to face facts. For 364 days a year AG sells you cheap crap; the one day they're supposed to sell you crap cheap can't possibly live up to the hype).

So yeah, about my Wish List:

1. Inflatable Sumo Wrestler Costumes

I need a lot of these because they have multiple utility. First of all, the Entourage members will each don a costume for their annual New Year's Day Inflatable Sumo Wrestler Smackdown in yet another attempt to curry my favor. What else they do while wearing the suits is their business.

I also need miniature versions for the retired GOTY and archived Historical dolls, so they can have their own Inflatable Sumo Wrestler Smackdown. They get bored down there in the vault and dressing up like sumo wrestlers will keep them out of trouble, or at least give them a REAL reason to cry. What else they do while wearing the suits is their business.

Lastly, I need these costumes made up in various sizes so I can force my sworn enemies to wear them while competing in jello ring sumo tournaments for my amusement.

2. Lee Harvey Oswald's original coffin
This treasure, exhumed in 1981, is being auctioned off right now. And damn, it would be mighty fine addition to my Lee Harvey Oswald collection! I've got quite a stash of Lee memorabilia, including all the instruments played in that kickass final concert in Dallas. You know, this one:



I'm still pissed that I wasn't able to score the mike stand in that picture. Someone sniped me on it in waning seconds of the auction. Still, having the coffin will make up for that loss. And I don't mind the water damage, in case you're worried about that. Auction ends on December 16.

3. NWTF merchandise

Most people think this logo belongs to the National Wild Turkey Federation. I'm here to tell you that it's shorthand for "Now, WTF?" Because we all know that's what everyone says when they see a flock of wild turkeys crossing the Interstate or their living room floor, and you know I speak the truth about this. It happens every day to some of you. I will need several black t-shirts with this logo emblazoned on it for members of my Entourage. And this:



I need a ton of these umbrellas. They'll suffice for expressing my disdain for the universe on rainy days. They will also supplement the weaponry arsenal for the inevitable Rise of the Ginger Army as prophesied in the Book of Nellie at the End of Days.

3. Hard vinyl bobblehead monkey wearing fez



This gift is for Toshi. I don't need to explain why to you, so STFU or I'll stab you with my NWTF umbrella. Everyone is entitled to his or her share of vibrating hard vinyl, monkey-shaped or not. Whatever, I don't judge.

Get him two.

4. Angry purses
I like cats as much as any animal that I don't actually, you know, eat. So either of these Angry Kitty purses will do me fine.





Jiggy would like this one:



What? You're surprised I like Hello Kitty? Judgmental much? Before we sold the camper, we had this decal on all the windows:



Couldn't scrape them off when we sold the camper, so I could use another dozen or so for the Shaved Ice Mobile we'll be getting with Kanani's debut next month.

Speaking of which....

5. Shaved ice machines

So yeah, Kanani is getting a shave ice machine. I, of course, can do better and will be building a Shave Ice Mobile Van. That's right, we're taking the shave ice show on the road. I'm not sure yet which machine I like best and Consumer Reports is no help with this, so I want all of these for comparison purposes.

First, there's the classic Snoopy Snow Cone version:

Admittedly, I don't have high hopes for this next one:

I've been to Barbie's parties and trust, me, this one won't end well. But never let it be said that Mattel doesn't revisit ideas!

Lastly, we have the Disney Mickey Ice Shaver and Snow Cone Machine.

I find it to be...awkward...and yet highly erotic at the same time.

6. Pink Cadillac Leather Couch



Yeah, use your imaginations on this one. No, belay that; you'll just frighten yourselves. Having this in the home minimizes the risk of intrusive paparazzi encounters whilst in flagrante delicto, which accordingly ensures that no paparazzi will come to bodily harm as a result of their intrusiveness. So consider this a gift for the preservation of feckless paparazzi lives.

But really, the best part about this couch is that it once belonged to my sworn enemy Mary Kay. We all know what happens to my sworn enemies. Just ask Billy Mays.

7. Knife block



I so need this. It accessorizes nicely with the awkward Mickey Ice Shaver, actually.

8. TLAPD stocking stuffers

I need to have band-aids on hand for piratical accidents, and grog-flavored breath minds for chronic piratical halitosis.





9. R2D2 projection alarm clock



You see projection alarm clock. I see potential laser weaponry (with a little tweaking) for my quest for Face Mold Domination.

Ho ho, no, hoes.

Monkey of the Year Smackdown

Take a break from customizing your Celebrity Glass Eye Theater dolls -- because that is totally what you were doing, right? I have a bet with Jiggy that no one will take up my challenge. However, he has more faith in humanity than I do (ironic considering the depths of depravity he personifies). But me, yeah, I don't think anyone is brave or creative enough to take on my Halloween Costume Contest challenge. Then again I have perennially low expectations of you people, although I am willing to be surprised.

Anyway, take a break. Join with me in welcoming our contestants to the ring for the Monkey of the Year Smackdown.

Because there can only be one AG monkey left standing at the end of the year.

"But AJ," you whine. "Unfair! Fio is an orangutan, not a monkey."

More fool you. Yes, Fio is SUPPOSED to be a goddamned orangutan. But let's face facts: Lamie's entire collection is nothing more than a better-financed retread of mine. So that precious orangutan of hers? Yeah, it's nothing more than MY Toshi, hopped up on steroids, dipped in carrot juice, with its tail whacked off.

WTF, people. THIS is an orangutan:



THIS sure as hell is not:



And I know for a fact that "Fio" means "cheap rip-off of AJ's monkey" in the Riau dialect of Malay.

One of them must die, and it's not going to be my monkey. Toshi and I have been training for this event all year long. I understand that Fio has gotten a few tips from that reprobate raccoon in a can but whatever, you get what you pay for.

So bring it. Time for the Monkey of the Year Smackdown.



Refereed by my close personal friend the all-seeing Geico Sandwich, with Sugar the Evil Yorkie of Doom in the pocket of Team Fio:



So reach for your bankroll because Jiggy's bookmaker and smart money's on Team Toshi. Fio is going DOWN.

(And a big shout-out to Robot for skinning me up over on Playthings).

Lamie.

So an advance American Girl catalogue arrived at the Playthings offices last week with Lanie Holland and her camperload of crap plastered all over it. I could have posted photos from it onto the forum, but suck it, I already did my community service bit by posting the announcement about that Julie: An American Girl Musical. So yeah, I took the catalogue into the back room, ripped the Lanie centerfold out for my dart board (Chrissa was in shreds anyway) and decoupaged the trash can with the rest of the photos. Then I kicked the can into the windows a couple times and threw it at that one mod for good measure.

Listen up, AG. You need to go do unspeakable things to your corporate self with a gardening hoe.

BECAUSE WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO MY TOSHI????

The hell? You touched my monkey? You dipped him in carrot juice and pumped him up with steroids? I'm going to fucking kill whomever did this to my monkey. Monkeying around with my monkey, not cool. No one touches my monkey unless I say they can my touch my monkey, do you hear me?

FFS, Lanie's collection is nothing but an ugly blonde version of what mine should have been. She got the premium accessories because AG failed with my collection and I'm here to haunt them about it for the rest of their unnatural days. Such dickweeds. Need I remind you people that my motif was butterflies? That's right, and my color palette was orange and pink with outdoorsy green leaf accents.

So that sundress Lanie has on, it belongs to me. And her camping gear? You bastards, AG, I needed that stuff out on the archaeological dig site in Belize. Tree hammock, my muslin ass. And I see you gave Lanie a goddamn hat but left me to cook my brains out in the hot Central American sun! But apparently it's okay for Lanie to get skin cancer elsewhere on her vinyl torso, since bitch has no sunscreen. I like to fantasize that Lanie won't last a whole year because she'll be retired early for the chemo treatments. Hell, she already has the wig.

Whatever, sure, Lanie has a lot of stuff. But she has no common sense so far as I can tell, what with cavorting with rabies-prone wild animals. Seriously, who the hell is going to pay $28 for canned raccoon? Yeah, right, the same chumps who will shell out $34 for plushie animals whose genetic origins have something to do with the radioactive waste from Pennsylvania's Three Mile Island. AG tried to keep the random plushie animal theme going but nothing is going to top random llamas, nothing. And Lanie, yeah, we get that she loves nature. But I already told you that sheep fear her for her nature-loving ways. You mark my words about that.

However, the irony of the non-biodegradable plastic recycling bin never fails to amuse me. And I do have dibs on Lanie's stash, so all is not lost here.

And let me tell you about that camper. Yeah, the Entourage is tricking it out right now for Jess and Jiggy's Incredible Adventure. When we're done with it that thing will have a wet bar; waterbed; state-of-the-art subwoofers; home theater with 5.1 surround sound; kickass ground effects, spinners, and hydraulics; a Dominatrix-inspired roof rack; a priest hole for when the cops come; mirrored shower stall with pulsating adjustable shower sprays and nozzles; 24 hour catering service on call (I will need a George Foreman grill, and by that I mean George will travel with us and do my grilling); sidecar for Toshi; greenhouse on the roof for growing herb/s; and optional warp drive. And no matter what they cost, I want railroad air horns and a military spot.

Because that's how I roll, bitch.