Annual Holiday Wish List of Doom

Yeah, I've been working on my holiday wish list. It's taken a while. I had to stop occasionally to do mundane little things like, oh, assist in tracking down that WikiLeaks guy, torture that one mod at the top of my List, mount a defense fund for Willy Nelson's latest weed bust, saute some cheap Cyber Monday llama, and hack into Proboards so the entire server system fails.

What? You multi-task by doing laundry and reading the paper. I multi-task by leaving mayhem and madness in my wake.

Be that as it may, I know you people have been breathlessly awaiting my Annual Holiday Wishlist of Doom so you could complete your holiday shopping. Or begin it, more like, because anything you buy after purchasing my gift will be anti-climactic. (Speaking of which, hey, how about that Cyber Monday on the AG site, eh? Doll collectors over on Playthings staying up late in some kind of group orgy thing, getting themselves all hot and bothered, credit cards in hand striving for that ultimate dollgasm and then....site loads....fizzle. I have no idea what that's like but listen folks, you have to face facts. For 364 days a year AG sells you cheap crap; the one day they're supposed to sell you crap cheap can't possibly live up to the hype).

So yeah, about my Wish List:

1. Inflatable Sumo Wrestler Costumes

I need a lot of these because they have multiple utility. First of all, the Entourage members will each don a costume for their annual New Year's Day Inflatable Sumo Wrestler Smackdown in yet another attempt to curry my favor. What else they do while wearing the suits is their business.

I also need miniature versions for the retired GOTY and archived Historical dolls, so they can have their own Inflatable Sumo Wrestler Smackdown. They get bored down there in the vault and dressing up like sumo wrestlers will keep them out of trouble, or at least give them a REAL reason to cry. What else they do while wearing the suits is their business.

Lastly, I need these costumes made up in various sizes so I can force my sworn enemies to wear them while competing in jello ring sumo tournaments for my amusement.

2. Lee Harvey Oswald's original coffin
This treasure, exhumed in 1981, is being auctioned off right now. And damn, it would be mighty fine addition to my Lee Harvey Oswald collection! I've got quite a stash of Lee memorabilia, including all the instruments played in that kickass final concert in Dallas. You know, this one:



I'm still pissed that I wasn't able to score the mike stand in that picture. Someone sniped me on it in waning seconds of the auction. Still, having the coffin will make up for that loss. And I don't mind the water damage, in case you're worried about that. Auction ends on December 16.

3. NWTF merchandise

Most people think this logo belongs to the National Wild Turkey Federation. I'm here to tell you that it's shorthand for "Now, WTF?" Because we all know that's what everyone says when they see a flock of wild turkeys crossing the Interstate or their living room floor, and you know I speak the truth about this. It happens every day to some of you. I will need several black t-shirts with this logo emblazoned on it for members of my Entourage. And this:



I need a ton of these umbrellas. They'll suffice for expressing my disdain for the universe on rainy days. They will also supplement the weaponry arsenal for the inevitable Rise of the Ginger Army as prophesied in the Book of Nellie at the End of Days.

3. Hard vinyl bobblehead monkey wearing fez



This gift is for Toshi. I don't need to explain why to you, so STFU or I'll stab you with my NWTF umbrella. Everyone is entitled to his or her share of vibrating hard vinyl, monkey-shaped or not. Whatever, I don't judge.

Get him two.

4. Angry purses
I like cats as much as any animal that I don't actually, you know, eat. So either of these Angry Kitty purses will do me fine.





Jiggy would like this one:



What? You're surprised I like Hello Kitty? Judgmental much? Before we sold the camper, we had this decal on all the windows:



Couldn't scrape them off when we sold the camper, so I could use another dozen or so for the Shaved Ice Mobile we'll be getting with Kanani's debut next month.

Speaking of which....

5. Shaved ice machines

So yeah, Kanani is getting a shave ice machine. I, of course, can do better and will be building a Shave Ice Mobile Van. That's right, we're taking the shave ice show on the road. I'm not sure yet which machine I like best and Consumer Reports is no help with this, so I want all of these for comparison purposes.

First, there's the classic Snoopy Snow Cone version:

Admittedly, I don't have high hopes for this next one:

I've been to Barbie's parties and trust, me, this one won't end well. But never let it be said that Mattel doesn't revisit ideas!

Lastly, we have the Disney Mickey Ice Shaver and Snow Cone Machine.

I find it to be...awkward...and yet highly erotic at the same time.

6. Pink Cadillac Leather Couch



Yeah, use your imaginations on this one. No, belay that; you'll just frighten yourselves. Having this in the home minimizes the risk of intrusive paparazzi encounters whilst in flagrante delicto, which accordingly ensures that no paparazzi will come to bodily harm as a result of their intrusiveness. So consider this a gift for the preservation of feckless paparazzi lives.

But really, the best part about this couch is that it once belonged to my sworn enemy Mary Kay. We all know what happens to my sworn enemies. Just ask Billy Mays.

7. Knife block



I so need this. It accessorizes nicely with the awkward Mickey Ice Shaver, actually.

8. TLAPD stocking stuffers

I need to have band-aids on hand for piratical accidents, and grog-flavored breath minds for chronic piratical halitosis.





9. R2D2 projection alarm clock



You see projection alarm clock. I see potential laser weaponry (with a little tweaking) for my quest for Face Mold Domination.

Ho ho, no, hoes.

More posts about animals and food

So it's that time of year when my Entourage and Toshi gather to challenge one another to consume bizarre food combinations in a time-honored ritual of male bonding and an attempt to curry my favor (although how that's supposed to work I'm still not sure). The only rule is that the items eaten have to be actual foodstuffs; no fair slipping in worms or KY Jelly or glass shards or sauteed Fio (and don't think they haven't tried). Frankly, I'm not sure who won this year's Ultimate Gross Food Combination Consumption Entourage Smackdown, because they're all passed out from puking. But here's a list of what was featured in this year's Smackdown, albeit alphabetically and not consumptively ordered:

-- Asparagus topped with grape jelly, Orange Julius, and chili powder
-- Candy corn sauteed in garlic, smothered in BBQ sauce and topped with fresh dill and mayonnaise
-- Clam chowder with maple syrup
-- Cheese Whiz
-- Cornflakes with catsup
-- Fudge & oyster milkshake
-- Graham cracker, pate & sauerkraut S'Mores
-- Liver merangue pie
-- Okra and tapioca pudding topped with shredded kidney beans
-- Soy pumpkin latte flavored with shredded tuna (dolphin-free)
-- Spice cake slathered with chicken lard and topped with an olive

Me, I was having none of this. Instead I perused eBay, as is my wont when bored. I think I finally have succeeded in finding the most random American Girl eBay listing ever:



OMG WTF I don't even... I know it says it's a lion, but it's more likely a banana overcompensating for its owner's penility by wearing a bad hairpiece. I don't really get how that works psychologically, but the evidence is clear.

Monkey of the Year Smackdown

Take a break from customizing your Celebrity Glass Eye Theater dolls -- because that is totally what you were doing, right? I have a bet with Jiggy that no one will take up my challenge. However, he has more faith in humanity than I do (ironic considering the depths of depravity he personifies). But me, yeah, I don't think anyone is brave or creative enough to take on my Halloween Costume Contest challenge. Then again I have perennially low expectations of you people, although I am willing to be surprised.

Anyway, take a break. Join with me in welcoming our contestants to the ring for the Monkey of the Year Smackdown.

Because there can only be one AG monkey left standing at the end of the year.

"But AJ," you whine. "Unfair! Fio is an orangutan, not a monkey."

More fool you. Yes, Fio is SUPPOSED to be a goddamned orangutan. But let's face facts: Lamie's entire collection is nothing more than a better-financed retread of mine. So that precious orangutan of hers? Yeah, it's nothing more than MY Toshi, hopped up on steroids, dipped in carrot juice, with its tail whacked off.

WTF, people. THIS is an orangutan:



THIS sure as hell is not:



And I know for a fact that "Fio" means "cheap rip-off of AJ's monkey" in the Riau dialect of Malay.

One of them must die, and it's not going to be my monkey. Toshi and I have been training for this event all year long. I understand that Fio has gotten a few tips from that reprobate raccoon in a can but whatever, you get what you pay for.

So bring it. Time for the Monkey of the Year Smackdown.



Refereed by my close personal friend the all-seeing Geico Sandwich, with Sugar the Evil Yorkie of Doom in the pocket of Team Fio:



So reach for your bankroll because Jiggy's bookmaker and smart money's on Team Toshi. Fio is going DOWN.

(And a big shout-out to Robot for skinning me up over on Playthings).

Celebrity Glass Eye Theater

What? Yes, it took me a month to recover from Talk Like a Pirate Day 2010. Jealous much? Your life should be so interesting.

So I was thinking about the AG eyeball black market the other day. You know how AG collectors are forever popping the eyes out of their damned dolls and selling the eyeballs on the black market? People have put their children and dogs through college doing this. Now me, I don't judge. But it did occur to me that a brilliant custom niche market has been overlooked.

Because seriously, people need to make custom Sammy Davis Jr, Peter Falk, and Sandy Duncan AG dolls. You all know about the time-space continuum rupture that resulted in these three B-list celebrities of the 70s being famous solely for having glass eyeballs, right? (No? Okay, so, maybe only I know about that. It might have been one of the items on those classified documents I passed along to Wikileaks last month, now that I think about it. Ooops). Well, people should be celebrating this rare harmonic convergence by customizing AG dolls as Sandy Duncan (I'm thinking fair skinned Josefina mold here), Sammy (totes Addy mold), and Columbo (pre-Mattel Classic mold). Complete with pop-out eye action.

I don't know why no one has thought about doing this before. Clearly it takes someone of my superior intellect to come up with such ideas. In fact, I believe this is one of my best ideas, ever. I like it so much that I am officially making it my AGPT HALLOWEEN COSTUME CONTEST BONUS CATEGORY.

So get on it. You've got a week to send me your entries at agplaythings@yahoo.com so I can post them on the blog. Go ahead and post them in your signatures on Playthings, too, but don't tell anyone why.

Who knew bail was so expensive?

My mailbox spilleth over from my legions of fans wondering where I've been. Listen, legions of fans, I'm not cleaning up your spills. If you'd read my blog at all this summer, you wouldn't need to pester me incessantly about my lack of blogging and posting.

Clearly memories are short. To recap: Jiggy and I crossed the country in our tricked-out Lanie camper on a corporately sponsored Summer of Love tour. I can't reveal the identities of the corporate sponsors (thereby building upon my allure as an international doll of mystery) but they are related to national security, international drug cartels and Peach Snapple. That's all you need to know.

Jiggy and I finished up the tour at Burning Man about a week or so ago. Things took an unexpected turn when Jiggy set out to register the tricked-out Lanie camper with the Black Rock City Department of Mutant Vehicles. Seems the camper wasn't mutant enough to qualify, but Jiggy was. He was immediately granted a license as an art car for reasons unknown but likely having to do with the quantity, variety, and laser illumination of his body piercings. However, he was later booted and hauled away for seven years worth of unpaid parking tickets. Here's his mug shot:



Who knew bail for this kind of thing would be so expensive? I need to sell the camper to recoup my losses on this. But it's time for that thing to go because after the various autopsies, parties, and crop harvesting, it's pretty much trashed. I stripped it of the sound system, warp drive and other accoutrements. But it will still make an extra special holiday gift for someone's little girl, especially once this sucker sells out at AG.

So yeah, if you see this ad on Craigslist, it's totally mine:

FOR SALE: 26 inch tall institutional green custom American Girl camper. Less than a year old with mileage, but runs on ethanol so your expenses will be low. Full disclosure: soiled bench cushion (may or may not be bodily fluids); shower does not work but custom platinum bidet is functional; dart and bullet holes in wall; lingering unidentifiable odors. Message board pulls down to create an autopsy table; medical instruments not included. Comes with early experimental edition of Warren Cash; rare and one of a kind (do not feed after midnight). Custom art decor of pretend loaf of bread, jars of peanut butter and jelly, pasta box and jar of sauce, juice cans and drink cartons decoupaged to walls. Due to its size, this item cannot be shipped USPS or to APO, FPO, the American Territories or Canada. Serious inquiries only.

Not My AG

As Jiggy and I continue our corporately-sponsored Summer of Love tour across the continental USA in the tricked-out camper, eschewing campsite hook-ups for other means of hooking up, I've been amusing myself now and again with a little online hacking. Last week I poked around the American Girl Innerstar U site and stripped a few unsuspecting avatars buck-naked and righteously bald. Because, really, they look better that way. The stuff AG has for virtual 'sale' in those Innerstar shops is inexplicably lame, even for AG.

What is it with the sloppy school-girl theme AG is pandering these days? Where are the assless leather chaps and the thong underwear that were supposed to be part of the new AG Meet ensemble? This stuff, it sucks.

And I know what sucks in the fashion industry because I read Vogue Magazine.

For instance:

Pretty and Plaid Dress

This? Otherwise known as Ode to Friends. Seriously, that plaid thing layered over a shirt is pure Rachel from Friends, circa 1994. Except she had some fashion sense, so maybe it's more Darlene from Roseanne, once she started dating the nerdy guy they're now pretending is young on Big Bang Theory. What, too many obscure TV references? Whatever. Point is, this dress screams retro 1990s to me and before that it screamed scary 1970s. Screaming in horror, across the decades.

Innerstar U Outfit

Hey kids! You, too, can don the standard Monday Morning uniform worn at institutes of higher learning everywhere. You'll be stylin' when you show up to class in old sweatpants, a mismatched sweatshirt, and a beanie cap to hide the fact that you haven't washed your hair since hitting the Row last Thursday night for that Greeks Around The World bash. Unidentifiable crusty stains and unwashed funk odors not included.

Starry Logo Hoodie

This item is meant to upgrade the aforementioned college uniform. Swap this hoodie out for the green sweatshirt outfit above and you are now the goody-good Liberal Arts student who opted out of the Around the World bash in favor of watching a Jane Austen marathon on BBC America. Pro: You've now seen the good version of Persuasion. Con: You still haven't gotten any. Unless you count getting felt up by your drunk roommate as she stumbled home at 2 AM, which damn well ought to count for something.

Western Riding Outfit

Are you one of those dolls who loves the rich nuances of American History but hates that the Women's Suffrage Movement eliminated the need for specialty female riding attire? Well hey, you're in luck now! Because AG has given you the Western Riding Outfit, ironically named given that it's only practical for riding if you're groovin' on one of those European side-saddles.

Fancy Riding Outfit

AKA the Dressage Diva Ensemble, this is for the doll who asked Mumsie and Diddums for a pony for Christmas and actually got one. I have nothing more to say to the likes of you.

Sweet Treats PJs

Here we have a unusually versatile offering from AG. It is juvenile enough for a 4 year old, but transitions nicely to a sexy stripper outfit for your forty year-old exotic dancing alter-ego "Cupcake." Nipple jewelry sold separately.

Bath Wrap Set

What is that? WTF. This, for the doll who is afraid to be naked for the thirty seconds it takes to get out of the shower and put on a god-damned robe? My former cellmate Martha Stewart has a money-saving DIY tip for you: grab a dish towel (preferably clean) and sew some straps on it. Voilà! Instant doll bath wrap. Hope you took notes on that, as this project will be the next featured Sew-Along over on Playthings.

Pet Show Outfit

What happens when Sugar the Evil Yorkie of Doom yarps on this outfit at your pet show? Because you know he totally will, being the high-strung rat bastard that he is.

Pet Show Accessories

You know who did this better? Yeah, every animal toy ever made. From Puppy in my Pocket to Littlest Pet Shop to Breyer Horses, it's been DONE. C'mon, AG, step up your game. Give us some real pet show accessories: pooper-scoopers, nail clippers, scissors to cut out the matted dingleberries from your pooch's posterior, and the discrete flask of Bourbon one needs after your ten grand furry "investment" decides to pee on a judge's shoe.

2-in-1 Running Outfit

This is for when you're on a tight budget and need to outfit two dolls at once, plus you want them to look like Mary Lou Retton and Bela Karolyi.

Healthy Smile Set

The hell? AG dolls have two teeth. How much hardware do they need? For that matter, where's the dental floss? Apparently AG wants your teeth to rot so they can then sell your doll dentures?

But hey, that's got me mentally seguing to the idea of geriatric AG dolls complete with Depends, Dearfoam slippers, and motorized Scooters. AG already has a Scooter design template based on my Scooter of Fail. This is brilliant: put together a decent MyGeri-AG collection and market it to mentally regressed nursing home patients. Yeah. I'm on it.

Innerstar P. U.

Wondering where I've been? Yeah, well, at the moment I'm tapping into someone's unsecured Wi-Fi while road tripping in the tricked-out camper. Prior to that, I paid a quick visit to the AG hospital for some Magic Eraser treatment after scratching my vinyl.

No, I'm not telling you how I scratched my vinyl.

But I will tell you that things at the AG Hospital have changed. Whooo boy. They busted this illegal eyeball trafficking ring down South last month, so things are tight over there now. The Hospital triage person actually had the gall to try to refuse me service on the grounds that I was a "custom doll" and "scary, creepy, and inappropriate" to boot. FFS. I think they were afraid I was going to suction out some eyeballs when no one was watching.

Which I totally did.



Anyway, I kicked some sense into the Hospital staff, got smoothed out, gave the Entourage a few weeks off, sent Righteously Bald Undead Yul Brynner down to rescue Gulf Coast sea gulls, and settled in with Jiggy to enjoy a quiet summer vacation.

Only I'm not precisely sure where Jiggy is. When he dropped me off at the Hospital, he muttered something about how there's "....nothing in the world more helpless and irresponsible and depraved than a man in the depths of an ether binge." That was three days ago. I'm not worried, though, since I have the keys to the stash. He'll be back soon enough.

In the meantime, I've been playing online games. I'm here to tell you that most online games are stupid and could be vastly improved by, well, me. Take, for instance, Farmville on Facebook. When you start playing Farmville, you are given something like fourteen plots of land filled with mature eggplant, and encouraged to trade cows. Really, Farmville, eggplant and cows? I don't think so. This is what my Farmville plots look like:



Screw Farmville.

But hey, there's all this hub-bub about AG's new virtual world, Innerstar U. Excuse me, but did we not recently have a talk in this very space about illegitimate compound wordings?

Innerstar, my muslin ass.

At least they didn't name it Inerstar U. That's like intentionally misspelling your kid's name so it will be 'different.' Let me tell you, your darling little Izabellahs, Mychals, Zacharies, Alisyns and Maddissynns don't want to be 'different.' They want to kill you while you sleep. They're all going to grow up to be strippers at the Inerstar Gentleman's Klub, with names like that.

Anyway, stupid games are in abundance at Innerstar U. Fortunately, I have better versions ready to slip into place once the site goes live on July 13. Read on:

Good Sports Center
With games like Dive In and Pom Pom Power.

Dive In is a Mississippi Delta Blues bar where you can drink til dawn, shoot pool, play high stakes games of air hockey and join the Monday night darts league. Pom Pom Power has to do with hot girl-on-girl cheerleader action; more than that I cannot say.

Shopping Square
This section features stores like Casual Closet, Girl Gear, Twinkly Toes, Pet Palooza, Real Beauty Salon, and Dream Decor.

Twinkly Toes is the most innovative venture from AG to date, representing the first attempt to reach out to the enthusiastic and vocal gay male AG lover. The Real Beauty Salon offers myriad options for tats, piercings, and gauges for your doll, while Dream Decor allows you to try Barbie fashions on your AG avatar. Girl Gear is a lingerie store for dolls. Mosh pits and crowd surfing are great fun for your AG pets at Pet Palooza.

Real Spirit Center
Featuring something called Body Balance. Can you make your floppy-limbed, non-ferruled, loosely-knotted doll stand up?

Yeah, we didn't think so. But you can try to do so here. Gravity not included.

Blue Sky Nature Center
Here your girl can learn about irony.

Rising Star Stables
With Jump for Gold.

Columbian Gold. Or Cuervo Gold. I can't decide.

Star Student Center
Cupcake Crazy, U-Rah-Rah, High Score Kiosk.

You go here after you've spent the night at the Rising Star Stables. What happens at the Star Student Center stays at the Star Student Center.

Brightstar House
With Fashion Fun, Pet Play, and Yearbook.

What? WHY IS ANY OF THIS COOL? I don't even....

Okay, wait, Yearbook? Yeah, I sign your virtual yearbooks. That's what happens there.

By the way, AG, I'm taking away your rights to alliteration right now. You've abused it one too many times and you're cut off.

Sparkle Studios
I told you, you're cut off.

Here, you get to draw pictures of me.

Five Points Plaza
This is a chat area. You get one point if you correct someone's grammar. Two points if you manage to segue the conversation to racism. Three points if you convince everyone that Molly is being archived next. Four points if you cause a stampede to the AG site by telling people something is either sold out or back in stock. And the winner with five points is she who manages to post lyrics to Bohemian Rhapsody, in its entirety, before getting booted off.

Starlight Library
Featuring Help Desk Hubbub and Borrow a Book.

Well. Maybe you did it right this time, AG. Yay for reading.

Starfire Boathouse
This is where your dolls go to get it on. Contraceptive machines are in the lobby for you anatomically correct types.

Morningstar Meadow and the Market
With Bright Kites.

WTF? Bright kites? Oh wait, this must be where Jiggy gets his hallucinogens. That explains the bright kites.

UShine Hall
With Melody Maker.

Yeah, Melody Maker. She's a stripper.

Trust me. This Innerstar thing will be so much better when I'm done with it.