AGPT Moderating Soundtrack

Yeah, so, I haven't written in this thing since the Rapture happened back in May. That's because I have a real life and don't sit on my muslin ass all day in front of the computer. But you people? Yeah, let's just say that if you committed a crime with your ass (I don't want to contemplate what that might entail), the CSI Unit could ID you instantly by the butt cheek imprint on your desk chair.

Whatever. Inspired by what would have been the 65th birthday of Freddie Mercury and his chest hair yesterday, I've decided to create a new playlist on iTunes. I'm going for a "Moderating AG Playthings" theme. The other Mods seem to be cool with this but mainly I think that's because they're convinced it will keep me from kicking their shins every five minutes. Dumbass mods. How long do they think it takes to create a playlist? They don't know me very well, even after all these years.

Here's what I have so far. Now you know what I'm listening to when I mod your posts.

AGPlaythings Moderating Playlist:
1. Hit Somebody - Warren Zevon
2. My Shit's F*cked Up - Warren Zevon
3. Fat Bottomed dolls Girls - Queen
4. Mission Impossible Theme
5. When You're Evil - Voltaire
6. Some kind of long, extended pr0n riff. (Note to self: explore this in depth. With Jiggy. Allow David Duchovny to offer his pr0n expertise. No cameras.)
7. No More Mr. Nice Guy - Alice Cooper
8. Paying the Cost to be the Boss - B.B King
9. Doll Short People - Randy Newman
10. You're Pitiful - Weird Al Yankovic
11. Idiot Wind - Bob Dylan
12. Positively 4th Street - Bob Dylan (Mr. Dylan can be a cranky bastard. We get along.)
13. Your Mind is on Vacation But Your Mouth is Working Overtime - Mose Allison
14. You're Breakin' My Heart - Harry Nilsson
15. The I-95 Song - August Campbell

I was going to put Carly Simon's You're So Vain on there but that would merely confuse people who don't get irony.

Feel free to suggest more songs to my AGPlaythings Moderating Playlist, because you can never have enough mean, hateful, inspirational music to listen to while you're doing your job.

Chrissanticipation

Damn, holiday time is busy time. You people who are doing that Clandestine Coconut exchange on Playthings? You’d best get your asses in gear and PM me when you send your gifts, because I don’t want to have to hunt you down. I’ve got better things to do.

Well, it’s also that joyous time of year when AG fandom collectively tumesces about a new Girl of the Year doll. Ho-freaking-hum. Another LE doll, imagine that. You’ll excuse me for not getting excited. While LE doll releases are more predictable than herpes outbreaks, they are about as welcome from my point of view. Now, when I initially heard the rumors about “lulu” and “furry llamas” I was delighted to think that AG might finally be moving to capture the highly lucrative dolly pr0n market. (What’s the use of having a flat-screen doll TV if you don’t have any doll pr0n to watch on it? David asks me this all the time and I don’t have a good answer for him. These are the people who gave me a lame-ass tree swing, after all. They defy logical analysis.) So I had high hopes for Chrissa at first, but those were soon dashed.

Frankly, Chrissa is doomed to have one of those “everything but the kitchen sink” collections, what with miniature llamas and swim teams and potting wheels and bullying and whatever the hell else they can throw in there. So it was no surprise when I got called in for some high-level talks with AG brass about tweaking Chrissa. They needed help. They asked me to beta the books written by Mary Casanova, since she is also the author of my own fine epic tale of Belieze. Now, Mary’s a great writer, don’t get me wrong. But I felt that Chrissa needed to be edgier. I made a few suggestions, which I’ll share with my loyal readers so you’ll know what might have been had AG only listened to me.

I focused on the llamas. For sheer randomness, they are marketing gold. But AG never goes far enough. Yeah, we all know there will be cute little plushie llamas for tie-in marketing squee. But any fool knows that kids want toys that actually DO something. Thus my first suggestion was product-related: make a plushie miniature llama with realistic pooping action. You feed it hay and grain and alfalfa; squeeze the tummy; voila, instant llama turds! I thought this had great marketing potential. AG went ahead and made a few prototypes of pooping Starburst, the baby llama, but ultimately abandoned the idea. They mumbled something about not wanting to offend PETA. The hell? PETA knows llamas poop! How is this offensive? Whatever. Watch for Starburst, the Prototype Pooping Llama on eBay. I expect these will command high prices on the secondary market, just like Prototype Farting Toshi does.

I had some other related product tie-ins in addition to Pooping Llama. Like soybean llama bean candles. What’s not to love about those? Also, I developed a Llama Reproduction Tutorial manual for middle school students. Why not take the opportunity to get back to Pleasant Company’s original mission, that of education through play?



They rejected it. Clearly AG no longer bothers to even pay lip service to the educative mission of yore.

So I pulled out all the stops and proposed a plot development in which Chrissa and her friends Gwen and Sonali get lost in the frozen tundra of Minnestora while on their way to Ma Walton's llama farm. They get rescued by the miniature llamas, but sadly the llamas have to be sacrificed to keep Chrissa, Gwen, and Sonali alive during the blizzard. The girls manage to survive by warming themselves next to the exposed entrails of the llamas, Star Wars-style. I really thought this would have excellent cross-fandom appeal. I mean, who can forget how in The Empire Strikes Back, Han slaughters the tauntaun to keep frozen Luke alive after the wampa attack on the planet Hoth?



That’s one of my favorite scenes, right up there with slave-girl Leia with hot Jabba action. I still have my Leia Organa Slave Girl outfit. I should get it out to wear on New Year’s Eve.

Anyway, for Xtreme Chrissa marketing, I proposed that AG develop a 3 foot tall miniature llama with Open Belly Rescue Feature. You know, with a slit big enough for Chrissa to fit inside, so kids could re-enact the dramatic rescue scene. Like this, only AG-sized:



It would have been a major big ticket item seller. AG brass kicked the idea around and I think they even prototyped one or two, but ultimately nixed the idea as too expensive from a manufacturing standpoint. Whatever. I think they were worried about PETA again.

I have since washed my hands of the whole Chrissa debacle. AG is going to revel in its mediocrity and that’s all there is to it, I guess. What more can I do? I’ve composed a little song that expresses my feelings about Chrissa. Sing it to the tune of Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer, with feeling.

Chrissa, the newest LE
Had a furry miniature llama (not a yeti or a tauntaun!)
But she wasn't in the In Crowd
And so there was endless drama (like Oedipus)

All of the other students
Used to laugh and call her names (like douchebag)
They never let poor Chrissa
Join in any llama games (like llama tipping)

Then one cold Minnestora day,
I, Angry Jess came to say
"STFU, Chrissa, you've got a year to shine
Don't want to hear you bellyache and whine" (or I'll show you what bullying really means)

Then how Chrissa groveled
And I kicked her in the muslin ass (too much stuffing)
Chrissa the llama lover
You are never gonna last! (like the Sacagawea coin)

My Holiday Wish List

So, yeah, the election is over. My place in American history is secure and I am well on my way to achieving world domination. Yesterday Playthings; today the world; tomorrow, infinity and beyond.

But I no sooner come off the election and I’m besieged by my fans. “AJ!” they write, thus risking my wrath at being so familiar. (Which reminds me: don’t risk my wrath by calling me 'a prank.' I’ll prank you. Hard. Harder than hard.) “AJ!” my fans persist. “What do you want for the holidays?” Some of them even want details, like what holiday I celebrate and how. Look, don’t sweat the small stuff. I am all-inclusive and will accept your tributes for every major or minor winter holiday. As for how I celebrate, that’s my own damned business.

At any rate, here’s my wish list. Since apparently people want to know these things.

1. Every good woman needs a Marine in uniform. I’ll take more than one if you have extras.

2. The gift of universal good grammar, punctuation, and capitalization. This includes recognizing and executing the differences between to-too-two, you-you’re-your, they're-there-their, and so forth. This gift is priceless and probably out of your budget, but a doll can dream.

3. Bound leather (who doesn’t love leather bondage?) copy of Robert’s Rules of Order. So I can throw it at that one Playthings mod. Yeah, you know who you are.

4. Blu-ray edition of Golden Girls: The Complete Series. I have the DVD box set, but Jiggy is forever upgrading the home theatre set-up and I have to keep pace with technology.



5. A pet frog. Either highly poisonous or hallucinogenic, I’m not picky. Although Jiggy would prefer the hallucinogenic type. You know how he is.

6. World peace (under the totalitarian dictatorship of myself, of course).

7. A flame thrower.



8. A manservant. Jiggy, David and Adam don’t move fast enough. Jiggy’s too strung out, David’s tired all the time from the sex, and Adam doesn’t have articulated joints.

9. Two heads to smack together. Actually, a year’s supply of two heads to smack together.

10. Nerf N-Strike Vulcan EBF-25 Blaster in yellow. This item ships for free with Super Saver Shipping on Amazon.com.



11. New ass-kicking boots in red patent leather.



12. Second job as a stunt double. I can double for anyone with a quick rewigging and eye swap. Resume available upon request and my discretion.

13. Matching ‘I Am Made of Poison’ tshirts for me, Jiggy, David, Adam, and a smaller one for the man servant (from www.topatoco.com).



14. A hot air balloon. You don’t need to know why.

15. A gold Ferrarri. Red is my second choice but it has to coordinate with the new red ass-kicking boots (see number 8 above).



16. A divining rod so I can give dowsing a try.

17. Pirate things. Anything pirate. All pirate, all the time.

Which reminds me -- yo, you Somali pirates in the Asian seas? WTF is your problem? Going around acting all piratical with assault rifles and missile launchers, FFS. Where’s the sport in that? I mean, I’m all for innovative weaponry, but let’s have a level playing field. You’re taking the romance and mystery out of piracy. So ditch the high-caliber guns, rocket launchers and torpedoes and earn some old school respect.

Because there’s nothing worse than a bully pirate who takes himself too seriously. I shouldn’t have to tell you that.

Back from rehab

My devoted Playthings readers may recall that I swore never to go back to my previous place of rehab. The woman in the room next to mine, her name was Amy, and she kept sneaking in drugs that made her even more paranoid. She would bang on my door at three in the morning.

I don't need that. No one needs that.

I kicked her in the shins once but I don't think she noticed the bruise what with the track marks, tatoos, and scratches up and down her jaundiced body. I also threatened to break her nose, but they threatened to kick me out. Since I needed to keep my job at PT, and that was contingent upon me completing rehab, I engineered a truce. I took to coming to the door wielding my whip, and did my hair up with my knitting needles. I guess she realized I was way cooler than her what with her propensity to walk around barefoot in the streets in her bra. We got along okay after that. I'm not sure whatever happened to her, although I do get the occasional postcard.



I don't think she's doing so well.

Anyway, fast-forward in time to TLAPD. This one mod (you KNOW who you are) and some members on Playthings got a little too full of themselves, and what with that and a ninja on the loose, I had a hell of a lot to handle. After all was said and done, the mods at Playthings kidnapped me while I was sleeping it off and were about to whisk me to an undisclosed location for rehab. Thank Saint Pleasant that Jiggy intervened and reminded them of the kindness I'd shown poor David Duchovny during his hour(s) of need.

Now personally, I don't think I needed rehab, but if they were going to make me go, I was going to go in style. And thus it was that David and I ended up as rehab roommates for a week, battling our respective addictions. I think, yeah, I'm pretty sure that I managed to distract him from his troubles. And me, well, honestly, I never needed to be there in the first place, but it was a pretty swank place and no one came banging on my door at 3 AM.

So all's well that ends well. While it took a few days to rid myself of pirate halitosis (totally rum and ale-induced), I'm back in fighting form now.

The clap and scurvy might take a little longer to cure.

I am offering to help

That's right. I don't offer to help anyone much. But today, I am moved. You see, actor David Duchovny announced that he has entered rehab for sexual addiction. Apparently he wore out his poor wife, Teabag Leoni. I want it known that I, Angry Jess, am willing to do my utmost to help poor David through this crisis. Whatever it takes. Jiggy wants to help, too. Whatever, I don't judge.

We're going to invite David over for tea and a swim, and take it from there.