Holiday Gift List, post-Mayan apocalypse edition

Many of you got your undies in a bunch because I didn't post my annual holiday wishlist last year.  I don't see why you should be bothered by this. I mean, I took a chance and trusted to my readership's tastes. That I received 17 sets of Dearfoam slippers, 21 pairs of Isotoner gloves, and a Snuggie was to be expected.  I did not find the Dearfoam slippers to be worthy of comment but the Isotoner gloves tipped the WTF-o-meter for thoughtlessness (I'm a doll with fused fingers, FFS). The Snuggie was somewhat acceptable since it was festooned with skulls. I donated all that to my local homeless shelter, except for the Snuggie which I gave to Godzilla. I shrugged off your feeble collective attempts at gift-giving without guidance as no better than I could have predicted. It was certainly less than the worst-case scenarios. I mean, I was expecting cartoons of Ruthie Meet shoes.

Anyway, I know you losers need help so let me pry you from your greedy grasping discussions about the over-priced doll crap you want to fill your houses with and prod your nascent altruism with this list of Things AJ Recommends as Kick-Ass Gifts in 2012. Yeah, and STFU about me posting this on December 23rd because I know damn well that you've just started your shopping. 

First on the list is this lovely item from your friends at Think Geek:

That's a Tauntaun Sleeping Bag, and it's officially licensed by LucasFilmTM because you can't be snuggling up in an unlicensed tauntaun. That's illegal in some states. Jiggy has one of these bags out in his workshop that he catches quick Jiggy-naps in when he's working on his Burning Man installations. The bag, while bulky, is portable enough that he can tote it around and use it to pass out in wherever he wants to. Jiggy's bag has a custom entrail-slit body-warming feature, but you'll pay extra for that.


Next up is a home decor item:  

Nice detailing, but it'd have been cooler if he'd been stabbed with a knitting needle.

Speaking of which:

Pirate Knitting, CafePress for the win.  I want to see all the single dollies wearing these in 2013. 

Some of you may still have the NWTF umbrella I put on my gift list back a few years ago. If you don't, you should. Not a day passes when I don't say "Now, WTF?" multiple times and I'm sure if you read the AG Playthings message forum that phrase is part of your regular vocabulary as well. Buy this item and you can punctuate your NWTF utterances by cutting a bitch in style, or at the very least perfecting your computer monitor knife-tossing skills:

I find this next plushie item to be disturbing in a "stuffed animals shouldn't be prancing around and showing their multiple legs like furry hybrid Angelina Jolies" way.

It's a Steiff Alpaca Teddytaur, which I guess every household needs that contains small children who are training to be strippers.  I don't even know. Points because it's made of alpaca, though.

When it comes to plushies, I myself am partial to these Venereal Disease Stuffed microbes.  I think all high schools should be equipped with these for health class lessons. Make learning fun and cute!

This Waffle and Syrup Sheet Set isn't my style but it'd no doubt work for some of you slobs since your, uhm, syrup stains would blend in.

 

Speaking of stains, for the love of Jiggy, someone get Mariah Carey a jug of this stuff, quick:

Looking for a useful gift for your favorite forum moderator who is not me? Look no further. They each need multiple pairs of these gloves for all the cleaning up they need to do after you people:

I can heartily recommend this item from Etsy, the Rude Little Black Book. I have multiple volumes. Now you know how I document my List.

Last but not least, I recommend you people purchase multiples of this handy workplace tool, the self-inking WTF rubber stamp.

There are some days when I wake up, stamp this on my forehead, and call it a day.  I'm sure you know that feeling if you read AG Playthings or, really, any other online site populated by people with keyboards, opinions, and a genetic deficiency of common sense and class.

As for me and what I want? Yo, I'll tell you what I want, what I really really want. You know how ancient Egyptian embalming techniques involved inserting a long, iron hook into the skull and slowly pulling out the brain matter?  Yeah, I want a really, really, really lo-o-o-ng iron hook so I can insert it into the heads of certain people and pull their brains out of their asses.  It's a debt I think I owe to humanity. You can thank me later.  Oh, and get me some of those long plastic modding gloves while you're at it.

Glowing like the metal on the edge of a knife

The latest round of releases from American Girl came out today and collectors over on the Playthings message forum are salivating and skating in their drool puddles. Of course, half of them are bored already with the new stuffs and are ready for the next round of releases.

Fickle fools. As if it's not enough that American Girl has allowed Julie and Ivy to reach paradise by the dashboard light in their new custom wheels with none other than Meatloaf.

The resemblance is uncanny, although it must be noted that the above photo is a more recent one of Mr. Loaf. At the start of his career he looked like Charles Manson's older, meatier brother.  Actually, he pretty much looks like that all the time.

We might need to add some Meatloaf DNA to the Warren Cash project. He could stand to look a little meatier and also, he needs to howl better. Werewolf of London sounds anemic.

C'mon, sing it, Meatloaf. Show the kids how it's done.

Paradise by the Dashboard Light

Yeah.

Nuts!

You've no doubt read about the guy who was arrested for having replica testicles on the bumper of his truck. LINK

Yeah, you know it, that was Jiggy.

The arrest warrant claims that this was an "obscene display" but we all know that one person's bumper nuts are another person's art. Literally. Those bumper nuts were part of Jiggy's next Burning Man installation! He'd been worried because they weren't displaying the proper lighting sequence, decided to run out for a quick test drive, and forgot to bring his license along. The charges are totally trumped up and I'm pretty sure Donald Trump is behind this. He's always had it in for Jiggy, what with Jiggy having better hair and a valid birth certificate.

Donald Trump is on my List.

So look, people, I need to make bail and defense money. Octomom offered to send me the proceeds from her new film, which was generous and all but I told her to hold onto the money because, well, yeah. There are lines that even I won't cross. Well, mostly. I do need to issue a public apology for my part in American Girl doll parts black market trafficking. Those of you whose dolls woke up in baths of ice water with their stitches undone, well, uh, sorry. But #26, oh dear #26 with your recessive amber eyes, watch your back. I have to do what I have to do.

Speaking of eyes, while the Warren Cash cloning project is on hiatus due to Jiggy's current indisposal, I'm pleased to report that we've made headway on our other scientific experiments. Behold, the first successful doll-to-dog eye transplant:





Yeah, I know we need to tweak it a little. We used Michelle Bachmann as our prototype and the scale isn't quite right.





In other money-making news, Jiggy left instructions for the tannery to operate at maximum capacity once we got word that Cruella de Ville wanted to buy up all the Sugar dogs. This is a win/win/win situation. She gets her coat, I get rid of Sugar because AG has to retire him due to low stock, and we get an influx of much-needed cash.

I think I could rake in even more money if I could figure out a good use for Bitty Babies. I mean, they have to be good for SOMETHING. I tried to market them to Angelina Jolie as family expanders but she said they weren't diverse enough.

In other news, the adult collectors over on the AGPlaythings message forum are all a'twitter about the summer's American Girl product releases. Based solely on a signature graphic they have pegged new character Caroline Abbott as a cross-dressing, red-haired, blue-eyed, War of 1812 soldier who steals Dolley Madison's snack cakes, lives by the sea and comes complete with spyglass, widow's walk and her very own whale harpoon. Plus she has the pox and scurvy. The latter can finally be revealed as justification for the Marie-Grace face mold, so AG designers can say "What? She IS sucking on lemons. She'll die of scurvy if she doesn't!"

They are so off with their speculations, I don't even. Look, I know for true facts that Caroline Abbott is a character from 1790s Whiskey Rebellion in Pennsylvania and she comes complete with still. You know that won't be good enough for some people, though. Some fool is going to turn Caroline into a time traveler to the 1970s so she can borrow Julie's new Pinto wagon with hot spontaneous engine combustion action.

Bring it, AG. Imma scrape Julie off the street, cash in on the doll parts black market, and bail my man out of jail.

In the meantime, you people need to drop me a quick note (properly capitalized and punctuated and with excellent grammatical construction) with your ideas for fund-raising.

PS --Yo, American Girl? I want an exploding Pinto wagon. You owe me this.

For Auld Lang Syne

My drinking game for 2012 goes like this: every time someone over on the Playthings forum mentions how much better things were Back in the Pleasant Company Days, Jiggy and I sing "for auld lang syne" and quaff a cup of kindness yet.

Never you mind what's in a cup of kindness. Just remember that you'll not be getting any from me.

Speaking of Jiggy, he's started the New Year off by shaking the blues. To celebrate his post-Burning Man de-colloidalization return to a normal hue, he went swimming at Côte d'Azur (okay, maybe he's not done with the blue theme). Except guess what, there was a La Redoute photo shoot going on that day and Jiggy happened to get caught in the background:



What, need a little zoom action?



Yeah, there he is, Jiggy with a hair cut and normal colored skin. You can read all about the incident here: Naked Man in Children's Clothing Ad. The image has been blurred in a futile attempt at modesty but mostly it's to protect your sanity because god knows what you people might do if you saw all that.

Speaking of people getting depressed (which you totally would if you saw Jiggy's package and compared it to the packages you've unwrapped. What? I'm just sayin') do let's talk about the current contender for AG's Girl of the Year, McKenna Brooks alias MehKenna Spelling. I've gotten several condolence letters from concerned readers expressing their dismay about what a come-down it must be for me to deal with MehKenna's gymnastic equipment after the joys of my tricked out Lanie camper and Kanani Shave Ice and Tiki Bar.

Yeah, see, this lack of imagination goes to show why you people lead the lives you lead and why my life is something you can't aspire to in your wettest wildest dreams.

Mark the difference: MehKenna, hells yeah, she is boring.

MehKenna's collection is NOT boring.

MehKenna's loft bed, beam and bar, rubber boots and coat scream KINKY SEX PARTY.

And no, you're not invited.

If a Llama Poops in the Forest

I'm still in Japan on my humanitarian mission. I see that some of you forgot to donate to the organizations listed in my last blog entry. I know this because I am omniscient and also, Lady Gaga has a lot of those prayer bracelets left over.

Look people, cough up some money for Japan tsunami relief instead of buying plastic shit from AG. It won't hurt you to abstain from AG spending. I, on the other hand, most likely will hurt you if you don't donate. So yeah, consider those options.

Speaking of shit, did you know the book Everyone Poops came from Japan? Seriously, it's the book's tenth anniversary this year.


Now I'm no prude, but I don't understand that book. Sure, everybody poops, but must we talk about the various shapes, sizes and smells thereof? I fail to comprehend this focus on the specifics when basic facts are neglected, like the truism that both babies and really old people poop in their pants. That seems like far more useful information to impart. The book also doesn't explore serious issues such as the nature and essence of vampire poop. Or zombie poop. Or Darth Vader's poop. Then again, the book never even answers its own question about what whale poop looks like. I think that's because the whale is constipated. However, I did learn that rhinoceroses pay no attention when they poop, which is biting social commentary of the first order about people who shit where they live. I'm not naming any names, mind you; draw your own conclusions.

I was thinking that if those has-been celebrity apprentices on Donald Trump's show can write a children's book in two weeks and get published whilst deserving real authors toil for years without publication? Yeah well, me being me, I ought to be able to churn out a book for publication overnight. That one book If You Give a Mouse a Cookie, that was some high concept. I could do a variation called If You Give an American Girl Collector Doll Shoes, except it would have limited market appeal since only morons care about the slippery slope of doll shoes. Goodnight Moon is a classic; I could write Goodbye Sun about a super-nova that destroys civilization as we know it. What, too much of a downer? Whatever; seems to me that toddler lit could use a dose of reality. How about Goodnight Moonshine, a gentle farewell to Grandpa Bunny's still in the days of Prohibition?

Oh but you know, there's that Click, Clack, Moo book, the one about union-organizing farm animals. I think it got banned in the state of Wisconsin recently. I could write something like that, only about llamas putting on a 70s era variety show. It's high time the world learned how good llamas look in gold lamé. Jiggy says he'll illustrate it, just as soon as he's done deconstructing Everybody Poops as a performance art piece for this year's Burning Man. The theme at Burning Man this year is 'rites of passage' so, yeah, this has potential.

At any rate, let me know if you have any ideas for children's books that I could write. If I choose yours I might give you an acknowledgment. Or I might not; depends on how much you donate to Japan tsunami relief.

There will be a test tomorrow.

I'm still pissed about under-aged girls getting their training thongs in a bunch about me. So here's the deal: I'm instituting a new policy over at AG Playthings. Anyone I suspect of lying about her age must pass this test before becoming a member of the forum. Mostly this is so I can be assured that the little charmers have enough common sense that the mods won't spend all day undoing their spam. Because seriously, the mods have better things to do, like cleaning my casino. That's right, I have a casino.

Here's the quiz.

You join the AGPT Message Forum. On your first day there, do you:
a) Post the same message to every thread you read.
b) Create a sales listing using stock photos, and tell people to make you an offer.
c) Create a listing for your brand new doll repair business, even though your skills are pretty much limited to brushing hair, changing clothing and taking badly lit photos.
d) All of the above


Oh, hey, look: it's the official thread on Lanie's release! You reply with:
a) "Hey, will anyone sell me their Lanie doll?!?!?!?"
b) "Supppp every1?"
c) Actually, you don't reply. You start a new thread about Lanie. Then you start five more. Then after you get yelled at, you delete your posts so none of the threads make any sense.
d) All of the above


The FAQ is:
a) The noise a duck makes.
b) A word you shouldn't use around your mother. Or grandmother. Your Dad doesn't care.
c) Tremendously long and boring.
d) All of the above


Cross-posting is:
a) I don't know, but it sounds kind of kinky.
b) Something they do in soccer, right?
c) My best friend got banned 4 it and its so not fair cuz u people r stalking what we do on the Interwebs plus who cares its just dollz.
d) What?


Necroing threads is:
a) Gross!!one11!!eleventy
b) When you reply to a thread whose last reply is older than two weeks.
c) Does it involve a zombie invasion?
d) Funny, lololol.


How do you write 'you are' as a contraction?
a) Your
b) You're
c) Your're
d) Yarr


Select the option with the proper word usage:
a) See Dick run. Run, Dick, run before Cthulhu grabs you with it's tentacles.
b) Jane is playing with Cthulhu. Its a stupid thing to do.
c) Angry Jess is awesome.


Angry Jess is:
a) Scary
b) Creepy
c) Inappropriate
d) Awesomer than you
e) All of the above


Jiggy's favorite hobbies are:
a) cussing, getting drunk, dropping acid, and betting on ponies
b) fomenting anarchy and disrupting the world order
c) wearing dresses
d) alchemy
e) prank-calling Cousin Antonin
f) eating lobster at midnight on the third Saturday of each month that has two or more vowels
g) smuggling firearms into Third World countries
h) racing sea turtles
i) cultivating poppies
j) identifying exotic roadkill as practice for classifying human remains post-nuclear holocaust
k) all of the above


My birthday is:
a) January 1
b) June 21
c) April 1
d) May 1


My favorite holiday is:
a) St. Patrick's Day
b) Mardi Gras
c) Talk Like a Pirate Day
d) April Fool's
e) All of the above


My sworn enemy is:
a) Billy Mays
b) Eminem
c) John Mayer
d) Mariah Carey
e) Kanye West
f) American Girl
g) That one mod on the top of my list
h) Lamie
i) Mary Kay
j) Too many to list


My entourage consists of
a) Jiggy Nye
b) David Duchovny
c) Adam Carpatina
d) The Rock
e) Johnny Depp
f) Every custom AG boy doll ever made, or to be made
g) All men want me
h) Many women want me
i) You want me
j) All of the above


Essay question:
You are driving a bus. At the first stop, eleven people get on. At the second stop, 5 people get off and 7 get on. At the third stop 14 people get on and 6 have to stand, but no one offers a seat to the pregnant lady. At the fourth stop a guy dies on the bus but the control center won't authorize a medical stop. At the fifth stop, this one guy sends his kid up in a flying saucer, but no one cares because they've all been there, done that. At the sixth stop a guy gets off, throws up on the sidewalk, then gets back on the bus. At the seventh stop, the wheels on the bus go round and round. Why is Angry Jess awesome?


Extra Credit:
Write a response to the following the way you should if it was a topic on the forum. Use a dictionary, thesaurus, spell-check, descriptive imagery, and alliteration: Angry Jess is to Bea Arthur as Lanie is to ________.


So, yeah. I think I've got all the important screening criteria covered. If you have more questions that will help weed out the pre-pubescent posers, drop me a line. Be serious about this, though; don't waste my time with trifles.

Pervs on Playthings

Yeah, you, I'm looking at you. That's right, all of you, talking about gifting yourselves so you 'peak' in dollgasm, and then heading off to shave your Coconuts.

Seriously, fixated much? Yeah, I know, you only wish your lives were as interesting as mine.

(Here's a hint: shaving is quicker, but waxing is much more hygienic and longer-lasting. Your Coconuts will thank you for waxing them).

Bingo.

The Playthings mods had a group photo taken for their holiday card but they 'forgot' to tell me about it. So that's why I'm not in it, in case you were wondering.

Oh excuse me...what's that you say, you can't log onto Playthings? Yeah, that's because revenge is a dish best served by tattooed vinyl goddesses. The mods shut down the forum for maintenance to undo the damage I did after they invoked my wrath by excluding me from the photo.

They never seem to learn not to mess with me.

Anyway, once they get things figured out and the forum is enabled back online, you can start playing AG Collector Bingo. Your card is HERE. When you get a bingo, make a post in whatever thread you're in; the post should read BINGO. That's it, nothing else. Just write BINGO. It will confuse the hell out of the fools who don't bother to read my blog.

The Real Scoop on GOTY 2010 Lanie Holland

Those towels? Yeah, they're for you people to clean the hell up after yourselves as a result of yesterday's wankfest on Playthings over alleged Lanie cover art. I'm not touching that hot mess.

Seriously people, you're collectively delusional if you thought I would let any other GOTY have the kick-ass weaponry and accessories that AG was creating, as described in my recent blog entry. Oh hell noes! I kicked that doll and her treasure trove to the ground...and that's why you're left with Barbie in a polo shirt.

But hey, all is not lost. You people are so wound up, you can't see past the color of her face to the very best part.



What? Can't quite make it out? So here:



Yeah, Lanie 'Holland.'

Because it's totes legal there.

My Holiday Wish List

Yeah, yeah, yeah, so Thanksgiving, Black Friday and Cyber Monday have come and gone. While the rest of you were stuck in the 80's channeling your inner Gordon Gekko, I was doing something far more enjoyable and productive: celebrating Naked Wednesday.

Actually, it segued into a week long event. Once we'd cleaned up the marshmallows, collapsed the trampolines, and paid hush money to the Shriners, it was time to complete my annual Holiday Wish List.

Of course, it couldn't be that easy, not with my moderating responsibilities on Playthings. Damn you people, you anger me to distraction! Endless pages of wank on Playthings about stained sex toy AG dolls on eBay. Also, advice for sewing up doll crotches! FFS, what? Sewing up doll crotches!? That is wrong, wrong, and wronger. It is also not in keeping with my Campaign for Anatomical Correctness. (BTW, the sex toy doll on eBay? Yeah, that was Jiggy's).

Then I find out Time Magazine Online raised Rebecca's profile by including her on its Top Ten Oddball Online News Stories HERE by making her seem bad-ass, seeing as how she shares a name with some Canadian arsonist fugitive. WTF, really, arson? Seriously, that's what you call bad-ass? Yeah, I don't think so. Most Canadians of my acquaintance are not arsonists per se, although I'll grant you that they routinely burn things to keep warm and sometimes ownership issues are overlooked. Time's fact-checkers scored even more negative points with an aside about Gwen (Remember her, of the Homeless Doll Wank?) being from the Great Depression.

Yo, listen up, Time Magazine Online: you suck.

Also sucking? Ad companies that don't screen the ads they farm out, so that they then spread viruses on the computers of unsuspecting message forum users. You totally suck, ad companies. Thankfully, I am around to help Proboards sort out that mess.

On top of all that, I've had to deal with Dick Cheney quitting his job as Man Servant. Sure we all saw that coming, but he could have given more notice. I've had to pull Jiggy away from his regular Jiggy Duties to cover Man Servant Detail. Jiggy has many talents, but Man Servant is simply not his thing. He dumped half a box of ammo into a bag of clothing meant to go to the thrift store, and then some Playthings member found it. (Better her than Dick Cheney, I suppose).

Fortunately, things are finally settling down. Yeah, sure, I still need a new Man Servant, but these things have a way of falling into place.

On to the important things. My Holiday Wish List is as follows:

1. In the wake of the week-long Naked Wednesday festivities, I need to put in a request for a case of this stuff for the Entourage and the llamas:

Use your imaginations as to why. Wait, no, belay that. You'd only frighten yourselves with the possibilities. Just never you mind why.

2. Nothing says holiday cheer like shiny new weaponry and implements of torture in one's Christmas stocking. I would make good use of anything from THIS PLACE.

3. I'm sticking with a weaponry theme as I redecorate the condo guest room, so I think this would be a lovely addition:


As would the Prickly Pear Chair:



However, the latter needs some modifications. Seriously, where are the prickles? Also, the color is all wrong. I can make it work, though, so go ahead and throw it into your carts.

4. My sworn enemy Billie Mays died before I could use one of these horse heads on him, but trust me, there are other sworn enemies. So, I need this:



5. Logistics can be tricky with a busy Entourage like mine. Until I can get them all in one place for a Naked Tattoo Party, these slip-on tattoo sleeves will come in handy.



6. I love me some fried eggs in the morning. This Gun Egg Fryer from Urban Trend will start my day off right:



7. Every well-equipped kitchen needs these Ketchup and Mustard Dispensers. I'd like one for each member of the Entourage, personalized with their initials.



8. This will break up the monotony of those endless AG consultations I'm called in on, and has possibilities for harrassment of unsuspecting Playthings mods.



9. Of course, I'll need a half dozen or so of these shirts:



Also these:



10. These Godzilla ornaments are precious. I need five dozen for my holiday tree.



11. Playthings people are always lamenting about how AG needs to create Science accessories for the dolls. I'm totally with them on that; bring it on. First order of business is this Cocktail Chemistry Set, because yeah, I'm all about the Science.



12. My good friend Dave Barry profiled these Metal Detecting Sandals recently. Although I'm loath to remove my ass-kicking boots, I'm with him on the utility of these sandals in uncovering pirate booty. So yeah, I'll have them.



13. I need these bolt ear buds, so I can be Franken-stylin' when I listen to my tunes.



And these:



Jiggy wants these:



14. I actually don't want this educational Sperm Snow Globe for myself, but I thought I'd throw it on the list for those of you who are still obsessing about that stained sex toy doll on eBay.



15. Darth Vader Build-a-Bear, want. Do NOT fuck with me by sneaking in the Jonas Brothers voice chip.



16. Lastly, I need more Hummel figurines to add to my collection.


I coat the insides with plastic and use them for jello shot molds.

Ho.

You are a child's plaything.

People have asked me to comment about Christian Louboutin claiming that Barbie has fat ankles. That's worth about two seconds of my time, seeing as how Barbie doesn't actually HAVE ankles, fat or otherwise. She just has stumps at the end of her legs that folks anthropomorphically refer to as feet. So I can't really bring myself to care much about this. I mean, have you taken a look at American Girl dolls lately? They have fat, stubby, non-proportional arms. Like, T-Rex arms. And that's okay, because they're JUST DOLLS (author excluded, of course). At no point did American Girl ever claim to be manufacturing scale models of human anything.

Seriously people, it is time to stop elevating your playthings to the level of blistering social commentary. I'm looking at you, Homeless Gwen Haters, because OMFG, you're idiots.

I've read quite enough about Tabloid Columnist's rant about Homeless Gwen. It was a lame rant to begin with; no one rants as well as me. This is my opinion on the issue, insofar as it touches Playthings:



Gwen-haters, listen up. Gwen? Is a doll. AG never marketed her as a Homelessness Poster Child. She's a secondary character whose story includes a personal experience of homelessness, which is there to illustrate to little girls how fucking cruel people can be to one another. And you, Tabloid Columnist, have succeeded in giving a real life example of said cruelty with your screed about homeless political indoctrination. Apparently not only are your undies in a bunch, but you've got a big old stick up your ass, too. I can't tell if that illustrates how big an asshole you are or have, but no matter, I think it's pretty much the same thing.

To those of you who think AG ought to donate proceeds from sales of Gwen to programs targeting homelessness, yes, you have a fine point. Petition AG about that. But remember that AG does in fact donate millions of dollars and dolls to charities, one of which is national non-profit homeless housing group HomeAid. AG is not quite the soul-less corporate entity bloggers would like to portray it as in their black-and-white, good versus evil online worlds. Of course, it's not as much fun to rip on something when you have all the facts, right?

Look, don't want your little girl exposed to Gwen's story? Fine, don't buy it. It's that simple. Just don't believe everything you read on the Interwebs. Tabloid Columnist's sole agenda was to sell papers and get her name in print; don't even try to tell me her noble mission is to Protect The Children. I don't have children, but if I did, I'd sure as hell not want someone else dictating to me what they can and can't read or what I should or shouldn't buy for them. No, her mission was Attention Whoring, plain and simple. Not that American Girl is complaining much about Gwen-gate, mind you, because Tabloid Columnist managed to pimp their product line just fine. Even bad PR is PR. Notice what little AG has had to say on the matter, while their cash registers keep on going k'ching? Right. They couldn't buy this kind of exposure.

What's funny to me is that while Gwen is homeless due to no fault of her own, the canon historical characters AG created are all pretty much dumb asses. For example:

--Kaya abandoned babysitting her younger siblings to race her horse.
--Felicity snuck out at night wearing some random dude's pants, steals a horse, and does this repeatedly without her parents catching on.
--Kirsten adopts a wild raccoon who burns down the family home. Also, she gets chased by a bear.
--Samantha sneaks around New York City and harbors fugitives in her attic.
--Rebecca climbs to the top of a Ferris Wheel to rescue her cousin instead of letting, you know, professional firemen do it. Because what's the point of that?
--Kit sneaks out at night, goes to a dangerous Hobo Jungle, gets arrested, busts out of jail and walks a railroad track looking to get...what, laid? I don't know. She lost me at Hobo Jungle.
--Somehow escaping the clutches of the Hobo Jungle, Kit and Ruthie agree to keep secrets about Kit's family going bankrupt because they totally know they can solve the problem themselves.
--Julie lives in San Francisco in the 70s and never meets a gay person, never smokes pot, and does not wear a Dead tshirt. Tell me, how is any of this possible?

Molly is just a brat, and Josefina is too much of a coward to do anything other than sneak into town with her older cowardly sister. And Addy, well, I guess when one goes through escaping slavery, it lessens one's desire to do stupid, reckless things. So she gets a free pass for having a spine of steel. But yeah, the rest of them are sneaks and idiots. And YOU want to complain about Gwen? Well, far be it from me to be an apologist for American Girl, but I'd like to point out that toy manufacturers have done far, far more gauche and offensive things in the name of product development. Oreo Barbie, anyone? Obama Sock Monkeys? Happy Family Midge with detachable fetus? Nope, not making those up: LINK

I trust I have had the last word on Homeless Gwen. It's time to get a grip and start worrying about the important things. Like this:



Crass exploitation of poor helpless chocolate addicts! They don't even try to hide it! Stop the presses!

(By the way, those of you participating in that Halloween doll treats exchange on Playthings? I would like to request that you make wee Rice Krispies treats with mini razorblades in them. It would bring back my fond memories of the 70's if you did. Thanks).

One more week until my Scary, Creepy, and Inappropriate Halloween Costume Contest.

The REAL Halloween Costume Contest

Playthings posted its lame-ass Halloween Costume Contest categories this week.

My contest is so much better.

PM me on Playthings, or email me at agplaythings@yahoo.com to submit your entries for SCARY, CREEPY, and INAPPROPRIATE doll costume beginning the week of October 26th through 30th.

Your costume can be scary, or creepy, or inappropriate...or you could go for the trifecta. I don't care. Just slap it on an AG doll or AG doll-clone and take a decent photo.

But don't dick around with fancy Photochop effects (I can tell from some of the pixels and from seeing quite a few shops in my time). Do crop and adjust lighting. I don't care if you're a member of Playthings or not; will take all comers. I'll post all the photos here on my blog on Halloween itself, and we'll vote. Details about that later. Just get scary, creepy, and inappropriate now.

See? Totes better contest. Get to work.

What Should Really Happen to Stupid Questions on Ask a Stupid Question Day

On a day like this, when I've been shut up in the Playthings offices answering stupid question upon stupid question, it's nice to know that there are such talented assholes in the world. CLICK LINK

Yeah, that was for you, all you people with your stupid questions. If that dude could catch your queries, he'd have my undying gratitude.

Oh by the way, here are a few that the Playthings mods (speaking of assholes) said I couldn't post on their forum.

Q: Why are my pincurls SO hard? Felicity
A: Viagra.

Q: Why did I not come with pincurls? Elizabeth
A: Because your boyfriend needs to work on his technique.

Q: Can I give you a make over? Nicki
A: This is an exceedingly stupid question to ask because it will not only result in the creation of several anatomically correct orifices on your muslin body, but the plugging-up of said orifices with, well, ask Richard Gere. I'd include a visual but even I can't submit the Banff Squirrel to such torture.

Q: What is the ratio of dogs playing the fiddle to cows jumping over the moon?
A: I am not one to contemplate the ratios of masturbating dogs to anything. But hey, I'm not judging. Whatever floats your boat.

American Girl Happy Meal Toy

As opposed to, say, a Happy American Boy Toy? Whatever.

The Playthings people are all a'twitter about a rumored American Girl Happy Meal toy coming out next month. Yeah, little do they know. The toy is actually a 5 inch hard-plastic anatomically correct version of ME, complete with bandana, knitting needles, whip, and assorted pre-programmed phrases such as:

"The dictionary is your friend. I'm not."
"Kiss my muslin arse."
"Join the Campaign for Anatomical Correctness. Because vinyl gonads are a terrible thing to waste."
"Two all-llama patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickles, onions, on a sesame seed bun."
"Scary, creepy and inappropriate? Yeah."

There were more options, but the voice chip was full.

Get there quick; these are sure to sell out.

Cute-mongering

This?



It's for those of you who are filling my message box with rants about how I've been censoring your right to use the word 'cute.' And it's for those of you who've been egging me on with substitute suggestions. Consider it a tool to bring you all together by sharing it to remove your collective undies from your collective butts.

Be nice and share and don't say I never gave you anything. Despite the fact that I am a fighter, not a lover (with all due respect to the late great King of Pop).

Seriously, take heart: my War on Cute has drawn to a close. Not because I've run out of words with which to challenge your hearts, minds, and spirits. Hell no, never that. Truth is, I am headed off with the Entourage to Johnny Depp's private island. Trust me when I say that I will have no time or inclination to expand your vocabularic horizons while there.

Plus, I've made my point thrice over. Cutesy it up all you want, but don't ever forget that there's more than one way to skin a cat.



My work here is done. Close the can.

Cutewrights: Revenge of the C Word

Oh, but aren't you AGPT people addicted to your cute? My, my, my.

Look, if I'd replaced the damned word with something equally banal, no one would have noticed and my efforts to expand vocabularic horizons would be pointless.

I don't do pointless.

So yeah, 'scrumptious' got your attention. Boo-frickin-hoo all you want, but my War on Cute will continue all this week. You'll be the better for it when we're done, trust me.

Oh, and YOU? Stop sending me PMs whining about how mean you think I am. Yeah, I'm mean. I'm also scary, creepy, and inappropriate. Get over it.

Now leave me be. I'm deep into reviewing my Michael Jackson discography and do not wish to be disturbed with further 'cute' withdrawal during my mourning period.

Summertime, and the living is sleazy...

You! Quit with your "But AJ, when are you going to update your blog?" messages already! Haven't you ever heard of summer vacation? I'm hip-deep in coconut oil and margarita salt here. I'll update my blog when I damn well please.

And while I'm at it, pester me not about the Vocabulary Challenge. Proboards is gorked and the search function doesn't work properly, so I have no way of searching to see if you people have used the words. And if you think I am going to read each and every post on AGPT to see if you've done the job properly, you are more delusional that I thought possible. However, I remain distressed that AGPT members are failing to expand their vocabularic horizons when posting. I'm telling you, if I see the word 'cute' used one more time I will take my knitting needles to your dolls' eyeballs. Surely you can find better adjectives? Yeah, wait, I forgot: you're all idiots. Well, fine. Since it is my sworn duty to help the linguistically challenged, I hereby declare war on the word 'cute' at AGPT. You've been warned.

I know you all want to know what I think about Rebecca and her collection. Here's a clue: I haven't spent any time thinking about her. She does not signify. FFS, all you people have cared about for the last month is Rebecca. Is it any wonder that I have been avoiding AGPT? Fine, you want to know what I think about Rebecca? She’s a pest. She’s an Old Testament plague personified. But fear not: I have the solution for this particular plague:



Rebecca Repellent, available at all fine mercantiles.

Rebecca’s collection is right up there in terms of what I’d expect from AG. Which is to say, it pretty much sucks llama fur. Mind you, I can’t begrudge the girl her samovar. But would it kill AG to make something really useful? If they can make a samovar, they can sure as hell make a hookah for the JLY line.



That's right. Doll hookah.

The Movie Dress rivals Samantha's Bridesmaid Dress for Worst Execution of a Book Illustration Ever. Plus, we all know that column dresses are the Fashion Goddesses' way of making flat-chested sisters feel good about themselves. Let me tell you, Rebecca only wishes she could fill out a halter top like I do. Oh, and it seems to me that Rebecca has more than a little bit of a hat fetish going on. Seriously, what's with all the hats? More flat-chested over-compensation, drawing the eye upwards? Then again, given the complaints about Rebecca's thin wig, I'm thinking the hats are necessary because she has alopecia. Becky, honey, embrace the baldness and shave your head already. We all know nothing turns on male libido like a smooth bald AG head. I'm also wondering about the dual purpose of that Meet hat. Can Rebecca pull rabbits out of it? Wait, no, not rabbits. She can use those kittens of hers for the Magic Hat Act...although truth be told by the looks of those kitties, she pulled them out from somewhere else.

Speaking of butts and cats:



Little known fact: Rebecca's bedroom collection is from the Youthful Bordello line, what with the one-piece pantaloons and the fantasy bed. Seriously, can you doubt the inspiration?





She needs a pearl-handled revolver to tuck into her decolletage and she's all ready to play Saloon Girl. I hear that's coming with the holiday releases. Hmmm. Maybe there's some hope for her after all....

Enough about Rebecca. I hereby declare that those AGPT members who have gone above and beyond in services rendered to the collecting community (e.g. by seeking out and sharing scoop, going to stores and taking pictures so people can get their New Release Fixes, and other actions to be rewarded at my discretion) will hereby be inducted into my very own Order of the Llama. Stupid AGPT mods have been coming up with asinine custom titles up until now to recognize people; the non-specific ones will now be replaced. So listen up: if you have some lame-ass custom title you need to PM me and I'll replace it by inducting you into the Order. Note that my Order is not be confused with THESE PEOPLE, who take their llamas very seriously indeed. Me, I just like to eat them. The llamas, that is, not people. I have my standards.