My Holiday Wish List

Yeah, yeah, yeah, so Thanksgiving, Black Friday and Cyber Monday have come and gone. While the rest of you were stuck in the 80's channeling your inner Gordon Gekko, I was doing something far more enjoyable and productive: celebrating Naked Wednesday.

Actually, it segued into a week long event. Once we'd cleaned up the marshmallows, collapsed the trampolines, and paid hush money to the Shriners, it was time to complete my annual Holiday Wish List.

Of course, it couldn't be that easy, not with my moderating responsibilities on Playthings. Damn you people, you anger me to distraction! Endless pages of wank on Playthings about stained sex toy AG dolls on eBay. Also, advice for sewing up doll crotches! FFS, what? Sewing up doll crotches!? That is wrong, wrong, and wronger. It is also not in keeping with my Campaign for Anatomical Correctness. (BTW, the sex toy doll on eBay? Yeah, that was Jiggy's).

Then I find out Time Magazine Online raised Rebecca's profile by including her on its Top Ten Oddball Online News Stories HERE by making her seem bad-ass, seeing as how she shares a name with some Canadian arsonist fugitive. WTF, really, arson? Seriously, that's what you call bad-ass? Yeah, I don't think so. Most Canadians of my acquaintance are not arsonists per se, although I'll grant you that they routinely burn things to keep warm and sometimes ownership issues are overlooked. Time's fact-checkers scored even more negative points with an aside about Gwen (Remember her, of the Homeless Doll Wank?) being from the Great Depression.

Yo, listen up, Time Magazine Online: you suck.

Also sucking? Ad companies that don't screen the ads they farm out, so that they then spread viruses on the computers of unsuspecting message forum users. You totally suck, ad companies. Thankfully, I am around to help Proboards sort out that mess.

On top of all that, I've had to deal with Dick Cheney quitting his job as Man Servant. Sure we all saw that coming, but he could have given more notice. I've had to pull Jiggy away from his regular Jiggy Duties to cover Man Servant Detail. Jiggy has many talents, but Man Servant is simply not his thing. He dumped half a box of ammo into a bag of clothing meant to go to the thrift store, and then some Playthings member found it. (Better her than Dick Cheney, I suppose).

Fortunately, things are finally settling down. Yeah, sure, I still need a new Man Servant, but these things have a way of falling into place.

On to the important things. My Holiday Wish List is as follows:

1. In the wake of the week-long Naked Wednesday festivities, I need to put in a request for a case of this stuff for the Entourage and the llamas:

Use your imaginations as to why. Wait, no, belay that. You'd only frighten yourselves with the possibilities. Just never you mind why.

2. Nothing says holiday cheer like shiny new weaponry and implements of torture in one's Christmas stocking. I would make good use of anything from THIS PLACE.

3. I'm sticking with a weaponry theme as I redecorate the condo guest room, so I think this would be a lovely addition:


As would the Prickly Pear Chair:



However, the latter needs some modifications. Seriously, where are the prickles? Also, the color is all wrong. I can make it work, though, so go ahead and throw it into your carts.

4. My sworn enemy Billie Mays died before I could use one of these horse heads on him, but trust me, there are other sworn enemies. So, I need this:



5. Logistics can be tricky with a busy Entourage like mine. Until I can get them all in one place for a Naked Tattoo Party, these slip-on tattoo sleeves will come in handy.



6. I love me some fried eggs in the morning. This Gun Egg Fryer from Urban Trend will start my day off right:



7. Every well-equipped kitchen needs these Ketchup and Mustard Dispensers. I'd like one for each member of the Entourage, personalized with their initials.



8. This will break up the monotony of those endless AG consultations I'm called in on, and has possibilities for harrassment of unsuspecting Playthings mods.



9. Of course, I'll need a half dozen or so of these shirts:



Also these:



10. These Godzilla ornaments are precious. I need five dozen for my holiday tree.



11. Playthings people are always lamenting about how AG needs to create Science accessories for the dolls. I'm totally with them on that; bring it on. First order of business is this Cocktail Chemistry Set, because yeah, I'm all about the Science.



12. My good friend Dave Barry profiled these Metal Detecting Sandals recently. Although I'm loath to remove my ass-kicking boots, I'm with him on the utility of these sandals in uncovering pirate booty. So yeah, I'll have them.



13. I need these bolt ear buds, so I can be Franken-stylin' when I listen to my tunes.



And these:



Jiggy wants these:



14. I actually don't want this educational Sperm Snow Globe for myself, but I thought I'd throw it on the list for those of you who are still obsessing about that stained sex toy doll on eBay.



15. Darth Vader Build-a-Bear, want. Do NOT fuck with me by sneaking in the Jonas Brothers voice chip.



16. Lastly, I need more Hummel figurines to add to my collection.


I coat the insides with plastic and use them for jello shot molds.

Ho.

Yo ho ho

So you've been wondering where I've been, yeah?

As alert readers may recall, Dick Cheney appeared during the waning hours of my birthday Fear and Loathing Tour. He whisked me and the Entourage off to an undisclosed location. After plying us with caviar and champagne on mismatched pieces of White House china, he revealed a fervent desire to bring those Somali pirates who kidnapped an American ship captain to justice. Yeah, well, we all remember what a good shot Dick Cheney is, right? Right. That's why he needed me, what with my superior weaponry stash and skills. I'm not going to broadcast this fact beyond my blog because if word leaks out, I'll be in high demand, but yeah, after a quick call to the Obama administration? Well, that was me leading that Navy Seal sharpshooter squad what took down the Somali pirates.



Now I have to say that I had a wee bit of sympathy for the Somalis, since that $8 mil ransom was ostensibly in reparation for the toxic waste that Europeans have been dumping off the coast of Somalia since 1991. Not only that, but Europeans trawlers have been illegally fishing off Somalia's unprotected seas. WTF, Europeans, stop that shit! Eat llama like the rest of us, leave the Somali fish alone, and bury your toxic waste in your own damned backyards. I'm not saying that any of this justifies hostage-taking, and I'll do what needs to be done every time. But we all know I have a natural affinity for pirates and understand what can turn a man or doll to illegal activity on the high seas.

So, yeah.

I'm not much for Dick Cheney, but it occurred to me that he and I could reach an agreement that might help this country. He needs to be kept busy, that one does. As it turned out, I still needed a manservant. You see, Manservant #1 Kevin Federline didn't work out last fall; he kept dashing off to Vegas to party, plus Britney called at all hours. No, no thanks. Replacement Manservant Roddy Blagojevich was too busy fussing with his hair to attend to my needs, plus he requested so much time off for interviews and impeachment proceedings and such that I had to fire his ass. After that I received tons of applications from out-of-work Wall Street hedge fund operators. But hell noes, like I'd trust them? Levi Johnston also called about the position but he needs to get his GED first; I have my standards. But Dick Cheney? Highly educated, Machiavellian in temperament, out of work and totally manageable so long as I lay in an extra supply of raw meat (not hard to do with a Godzilla in the house).

So, meet my new manservant:

Just for the record, Dick's position is all about housekeeping and not at all about sex. Please. Don't make me gag. But a uniform is necessary, and we might as well go with leather.

So it's back to business as usual with my expanded Entourage of Jiggy, David, Adam, Johnny, The Rock, and Dick Cheney to keep the place tidy.

Life is good.