My Holiday Wish List

Yeah, yeah, yeah, so Thanksgiving, Black Friday and Cyber Monday have come and gone. While the rest of you were stuck in the 80's channeling your inner Gordon Gekko, I was doing something far more enjoyable and productive: celebrating Naked Wednesday.

Actually, it segued into a week long event. Once we'd cleaned up the marshmallows, collapsed the trampolines, and paid hush money to the Shriners, it was time to complete my annual Holiday Wish List.

Of course, it couldn't be that easy, not with my moderating responsibilities on Playthings. Damn you people, you anger me to distraction! Endless pages of wank on Playthings about stained sex toy AG dolls on eBay. Also, advice for sewing up doll crotches! FFS, what? Sewing up doll crotches!? That is wrong, wrong, and wronger. It is also not in keeping with my Campaign for Anatomical Correctness. (BTW, the sex toy doll on eBay? Yeah, that was Jiggy's).

Then I find out Time Magazine Online raised Rebecca's profile by including her on its Top Ten Oddball Online News Stories HERE by making her seem bad-ass, seeing as how she shares a name with some Canadian arsonist fugitive. WTF, really, arson? Seriously, that's what you call bad-ass? Yeah, I don't think so. Most Canadians of my acquaintance are not arsonists per se, although I'll grant you that they routinely burn things to keep warm and sometimes ownership issues are overlooked. Time's fact-checkers scored even more negative points with an aside about Gwen (Remember her, of the Homeless Doll Wank?) being from the Great Depression.

Yo, listen up, Time Magazine Online: you suck.

Also sucking? Ad companies that don't screen the ads they farm out, so that they then spread viruses on the computers of unsuspecting message forum users. You totally suck, ad companies. Thankfully, I am around to help Proboards sort out that mess.

On top of all that, I've had to deal with Dick Cheney quitting his job as Man Servant. Sure we all saw that coming, but he could have given more notice. I've had to pull Jiggy away from his regular Jiggy Duties to cover Man Servant Detail. Jiggy has many talents, but Man Servant is simply not his thing. He dumped half a box of ammo into a bag of clothing meant to go to the thrift store, and then some Playthings member found it. (Better her than Dick Cheney, I suppose).

Fortunately, things are finally settling down. Yeah, sure, I still need a new Man Servant, but these things have a way of falling into place.

On to the important things. My Holiday Wish List is as follows:

1. In the wake of the week-long Naked Wednesday festivities, I need to put in a request for a case of this stuff for the Entourage and the llamas:

Use your imaginations as to why. Wait, no, belay that. You'd only frighten yourselves with the possibilities. Just never you mind why.

2. Nothing says holiday cheer like shiny new weaponry and implements of torture in one's Christmas stocking. I would make good use of anything from THIS PLACE.

3. I'm sticking with a weaponry theme as I redecorate the condo guest room, so I think this would be a lovely addition:


As would the Prickly Pear Chair:



However, the latter needs some modifications. Seriously, where are the prickles? Also, the color is all wrong. I can make it work, though, so go ahead and throw it into your carts.

4. My sworn enemy Billie Mays died before I could use one of these horse heads on him, but trust me, there are other sworn enemies. So, I need this:



5. Logistics can be tricky with a busy Entourage like mine. Until I can get them all in one place for a Naked Tattoo Party, these slip-on tattoo sleeves will come in handy.



6. I love me some fried eggs in the morning. This Gun Egg Fryer from Urban Trend will start my day off right:



7. Every well-equipped kitchen needs these Ketchup and Mustard Dispensers. I'd like one for each member of the Entourage, personalized with their initials.



8. This will break up the monotony of those endless AG consultations I'm called in on, and has possibilities for harrassment of unsuspecting Playthings mods.



9. Of course, I'll need a half dozen or so of these shirts:



Also these:



10. These Godzilla ornaments are precious. I need five dozen for my holiday tree.



11. Playthings people are always lamenting about how AG needs to create Science accessories for the dolls. I'm totally with them on that; bring it on. First order of business is this Cocktail Chemistry Set, because yeah, I'm all about the Science.



12. My good friend Dave Barry profiled these Metal Detecting Sandals recently. Although I'm loath to remove my ass-kicking boots, I'm with him on the utility of these sandals in uncovering pirate booty. So yeah, I'll have them.



13. I need these bolt ear buds, so I can be Franken-stylin' when I listen to my tunes.



And these:



Jiggy wants these:



14. I actually don't want this educational Sperm Snow Globe for myself, but I thought I'd throw it on the list for those of you who are still obsessing about that stained sex toy doll on eBay.



15. Darth Vader Build-a-Bear, want. Do NOT fuck with me by sneaking in the Jonas Brothers voice chip.



16. Lastly, I need more Hummel figurines to add to my collection.


I coat the insides with plastic and use them for jello shot molds.

Ho.

What Really Goes on in the Archives

All you whiners who said that poor dear Samantha and Nellie and Kirsten would die of boredom in the cruel, cruel AG archives? Yeah, suck it.

Because from what I can tell from the olde eBay photo gallery, your Sammy-kins is just beginning to get her groove on.

Peek-a-boo!



Losing inhibitions is a good thing. Samantha's damned proud of being an American Girl these days.



Princess never looked better. Love the tat.



Lay lady, lay, lay across your big brass bed. Just don't lay on the pizza, party girl. Also, that is totally a vibrator between her legs.



Ah, but sometimes a doll can go too far:



Surgery is indicated here, but hey, that also means she gets to score some kick-ass drugs. By the way, while I am not responsible for the navel and nips action in the above photo, my Campaign for Anatomical Correctness takes the credit. Navel and nips FTW.

Yeah, you people only wish you were archived.

American Girl Lanie Revealed

OMG, all this chatter about the GOTY for 2010 and it's only the beginning of November! Clearly, you people need me to set you straight sorting fact from fiction. So here's the deal: yes, Lanie is in fact a girl of color. Magnificent, glorious color. Heart-stopping technicolor, even. Here's a preview:



What, you were expecting her to be green? Enough with the "green" rumors, people. Even AG wouldn't be that obvious. No, no, no. Lanie loves Nature the way that Sarah Palin does: shot from a helicopter, gutted and skinned on the spot.

In fact, rumor has it that Lanie likes Nature a tad too much, you know what I'm sayin'? Seriously, sheep live in terror of the very mention of her name. Even my llama herd seems wary of her, although llamas are pretty much game for anything. Lanie's proclivities in this area reportedly stem from a failed experiment in the name of the Campaign for Anatomical Correctness. Trust AG to get that wrong. And pity the poor sheep.

Here are her plot summaries:

Lanie
Lanie reads a book about Ethiopa and decides she doesn't want to go there, so she books a helicopter tour of Hawaii instead. Along the way, she accidentally harpoons a Right Whale and destroys a coral reef. Fleeing outraged environmentalists, Lanie goes on the lam but doesn't really get the concept. She soon learns that sheep don't appreciate her advances. Chaos ensues, and it's up to Lanie to make her peace with Mother Nature before it's too late.

Lanie's Real Adventure
Lanie meets a sprightly leprechaun who takes her back to the time of the Bubonic Plague. She learns about the importance of good hygiene after watching 60% of the world's population wither and die. She launches a Hand-Washing Awareness Campaign at her school but it fails because her fellow students are too buzzed from drinking anti-bacterial lotion. Lanie learns a hard lesson about survival of the fittest and decides to take matters into her own hands....

Lanie comes with a full collection of Nature accessories: muzzle-loading rifle, crossbow, laser sights, range finder, machete, taxidermy kit, a tree stand, and of course a helicopter (batteries not included). There is also a rumored plastic recycling bin and compost heap. I hear those were made in limited quantities because, you know, the irony of plastic compost is that plastic is made of petroleum in a not-very-Earth-friendly process. There were the predictable protests, so those latter two items are sure to sell out quickly and land on eBay at jacked-up prices later.

Lanie doesn't come with much of a wardrobe to speak of, just a camo Meet Outfit with hip waders. She does have a pet, though:



No, that's not Karl Lagerfeld (although perhaps he was the inspiration). That's Sugar Daddy Ken. He's Lanie's pet and he always does her bidding. She keeps him in the front pocket of her hunting jacket.

All in all, I have to say that I approve of Lanie. She's not as awesome as me, of course. But AG seems to have learned from the mistakes it made with my collection and has given her some kick-ass accessories. We'll see if they make the final cut.

Let Me Explain This To You

I am told that there was a great deal of confusion about my Halloween contest, in that you people couldn't grasp what exemplified Scary, Creepy, and Inappropriate.

It's really quite simple:



Keep this in mind for next year, will you? I don't want to have to explain it again. Those of you who got it, you have my compliments. (What, you were expecting prizes? Yeah, I don't think so. Bask in my commendation. That's prize enough).

Boo

Yeah that's me, letting my hair down, pretending to be a poltergeist pumpkin or some damned dumb thing. I did it on a dare. I won the dare. Now I own my own yacht. Sometimes dressing like a pumpkin and using cheesy bad Photoshop effects can yield large returns. Try it sometime. Just don't tell me about it, because I don't care what you do.

Except this: starting now, submit unto me your Scary, Creepy, and Inappropriate doll costume photos via email at agplaythings@yahoo.com or via PM on the Playthings forum. I will post them in this space as they come in. We all need a healthy dose of scary, creepy, and inappropriate in these saccharine times so, yeah, cough it up.

So, entries:

______________________________________________________

1.
Supernonamegirl, going for the Trifecta. And doing a damned fine job of it, too; that is all that Scary, Creepy, and Inappropriate should be. Welcome to the Archive, Kirsten.
_______________________________________________________

2.
Sail Away's Trailer Trash Doll is Inappropriate.
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3.
Whit5733's Cereal Killer. She says Inappropriate, but I think it covers Creepy as well. AG dolls remain a good source of fiber.
_________________________________________________________

And now, for a musical interlude: CLICK.
_________________________________________________________

4.
Alexandra A.'s Creepy Samara from The Ring.

You are a child's plaything.

People have asked me to comment about Christian Louboutin claiming that Barbie has fat ankles. That's worth about two seconds of my time, seeing as how Barbie doesn't actually HAVE ankles, fat or otherwise. She just has stumps at the end of her legs that folks anthropomorphically refer to as feet. So I can't really bring myself to care much about this. I mean, have you taken a look at American Girl dolls lately? They have fat, stubby, non-proportional arms. Like, T-Rex arms. And that's okay, because they're JUST DOLLS (author excluded, of course). At no point did American Girl ever claim to be manufacturing scale models of human anything.

Seriously people, it is time to stop elevating your playthings to the level of blistering social commentary. I'm looking at you, Homeless Gwen Haters, because OMFG, you're idiots.

I've read quite enough about Tabloid Columnist's rant about Homeless Gwen. It was a lame rant to begin with; no one rants as well as me. This is my opinion on the issue, insofar as it touches Playthings:



Gwen-haters, listen up. Gwen? Is a doll. AG never marketed her as a Homelessness Poster Child. She's a secondary character whose story includes a personal experience of homelessness, which is there to illustrate to little girls how fucking cruel people can be to one another. And you, Tabloid Columnist, have succeeded in giving a real life example of said cruelty with your screed about homeless political indoctrination. Apparently not only are your undies in a bunch, but you've got a big old stick up your ass, too. I can't tell if that illustrates how big an asshole you are or have, but no matter, I think it's pretty much the same thing.

To those of you who think AG ought to donate proceeds from sales of Gwen to programs targeting homelessness, yes, you have a fine point. Petition AG about that. But remember that AG does in fact donate millions of dollars and dolls to charities, one of which is national non-profit homeless housing group HomeAid. AG is not quite the soul-less corporate entity bloggers would like to portray it as in their black-and-white, good versus evil online worlds. Of course, it's not as much fun to rip on something when you have all the facts, right?

Look, don't want your little girl exposed to Gwen's story? Fine, don't buy it. It's that simple. Just don't believe everything you read on the Interwebs. Tabloid Columnist's sole agenda was to sell papers and get her name in print; don't even try to tell me her noble mission is to Protect The Children. I don't have children, but if I did, I'd sure as hell not want someone else dictating to me what they can and can't read or what I should or shouldn't buy for them. No, her mission was Attention Whoring, plain and simple. Not that American Girl is complaining much about Gwen-gate, mind you, because Tabloid Columnist managed to pimp their product line just fine. Even bad PR is PR. Notice what little AG has had to say on the matter, while their cash registers keep on going k'ching? Right. They couldn't buy this kind of exposure.

What's funny to me is that while Gwen is homeless due to no fault of her own, the canon historical characters AG created are all pretty much dumb asses. For example:

--Kaya abandoned babysitting her younger siblings to race her horse.
--Felicity snuck out at night wearing some random dude's pants, steals a horse, and does this repeatedly without her parents catching on.
--Kirsten adopts a wild raccoon who burns down the family home. Also, she gets chased by a bear.
--Samantha sneaks around New York City and harbors fugitives in her attic.
--Rebecca climbs to the top of a Ferris Wheel to rescue her cousin instead of letting, you know, professional firemen do it. Because what's the point of that?
--Kit sneaks out at night, goes to a dangerous Hobo Jungle, gets arrested, busts out of jail and walks a railroad track looking to get...what, laid? I don't know. She lost me at Hobo Jungle.
--Somehow escaping the clutches of the Hobo Jungle, Kit and Ruthie agree to keep secrets about Kit's family going bankrupt because they totally know they can solve the problem themselves.
--Julie lives in San Francisco in the 70s and never meets a gay person, never smokes pot, and does not wear a Dead tshirt. Tell me, how is any of this possible?

Molly is just a brat, and Josefina is too much of a coward to do anything other than sneak into town with her older cowardly sister. And Addy, well, I guess when one goes through escaping slavery, it lessens one's desire to do stupid, reckless things. So she gets a free pass for having a spine of steel. But yeah, the rest of them are sneaks and idiots. And YOU want to complain about Gwen? Well, far be it from me to be an apologist for American Girl, but I'd like to point out that toy manufacturers have done far, far more gauche and offensive things in the name of product development. Oreo Barbie, anyone? Obama Sock Monkeys? Happy Family Midge with detachable fetus? Nope, not making those up: LINK

I trust I have had the last word on Homeless Gwen. It's time to get a grip and start worrying about the important things. Like this:



Crass exploitation of poor helpless chocolate addicts! They don't even try to hide it! Stop the presses!

(By the way, those of you participating in that Halloween doll treats exchange on Playthings? I would like to request that you make wee Rice Krispies treats with mini razorblades in them. It would bring back my fond memories of the 70's if you did. Thanks).

One more week until my Scary, Creepy, and Inappropriate Halloween Costume Contest.

The REAL Halloween Costume Contest

Playthings posted its lame-ass Halloween Costume Contest categories this week.

My contest is so much better.

PM me on Playthings, or email me at agplaythings@yahoo.com to submit your entries for SCARY, CREEPY, and INAPPROPRIATE doll costume beginning the week of October 26th through 30th.

Your costume can be scary, or creepy, or inappropriate...or you could go for the trifecta. I don't care. Just slap it on an AG doll or AG doll-clone and take a decent photo.

But don't dick around with fancy Photochop effects (I can tell from some of the pixels and from seeing quite a few shops in my time). Do crop and adjust lighting. I don't care if you're a member of Playthings or not; will take all comers. I'll post all the photos here on my blog on Halloween itself, and we'll vote. Details about that later. Just get scary, creepy, and inappropriate now.

See? Totes better contest. Get to work.