Monkey of the Year Smackdown

Take a break from customizing your Celebrity Glass Eye Theater dolls -- because that is totally what you were doing, right? I have a bet with Jiggy that no one will take up my challenge. However, he has more faith in humanity than I do (ironic considering the depths of depravity he personifies). But me, yeah, I don't think anyone is brave or creative enough to take on my Halloween Costume Contest challenge. Then again I have perennially low expectations of you people, although I am willing to be surprised.

Anyway, take a break. Join with me in welcoming our contestants to the ring for the Monkey of the Year Smackdown.

Because there can only be one AG monkey left standing at the end of the year.

"But AJ," you whine. "Unfair! Fio is an orangutan, not a monkey."

More fool you. Yes, Fio is SUPPOSED to be a goddamned orangutan. But let's face facts: Lamie's entire collection is nothing more than a better-financed retread of mine. So that precious orangutan of hers? Yeah, it's nothing more than MY Toshi, hopped up on steroids, dipped in carrot juice, with its tail whacked off.

WTF, people. THIS is an orangutan:



THIS sure as hell is not:



And I know for a fact that "Fio" means "cheap rip-off of AJ's monkey" in the Riau dialect of Malay.

One of them must die, and it's not going to be my monkey. Toshi and I have been training for this event all year long. I understand that Fio has gotten a few tips from that reprobate raccoon in a can but whatever, you get what you pay for.

So bring it. Time for the Monkey of the Year Smackdown.



Refereed by my close personal friend the all-seeing Geico Sandwich, with Sugar the Evil Yorkie of Doom in the pocket of Team Fio:



So reach for your bankroll because Jiggy's bookmaker and smart money's on Team Toshi. Fio is going DOWN.

(And a big shout-out to Robot for skinning me up over on Playthings).

Celebrity Glass Eye Theater

What? Yes, it took me a month to recover from Talk Like a Pirate Day 2010. Jealous much? Your life should be so interesting.

So I was thinking about the AG eyeball black market the other day. You know how AG collectors are forever popping the eyes out of their damned dolls and selling the eyeballs on the black market? People have put their children and dogs through college doing this. Now me, I don't judge. But it did occur to me that a brilliant custom niche market has been overlooked.

Because seriously, people need to make custom Sammy Davis Jr, Peter Falk, and Sandy Duncan AG dolls. You all know about the time-space continuum rupture that resulted in these three B-list celebrities of the 70s being famous solely for having glass eyeballs, right? (No? Okay, so, maybe only I know about that. It might have been one of the items on those classified documents I passed along to Wikileaks last month, now that I think about it. Ooops). Well, people should be celebrating this rare harmonic convergence by customizing AG dolls as Sandy Duncan (I'm thinking fair skinned Josefina mold here), Sammy (totes Addy mold), and Columbo (pre-Mattel Classic mold). Complete with pop-out eye action.

I don't know why no one has thought about doing this before. Clearly it takes someone of my superior intellect to come up with such ideas. In fact, I believe this is one of my best ideas, ever. I like it so much that I am officially making it my AGPT HALLOWEEN COSTUME CONTEST BONUS CATEGORY.

So get on it. You've got a week to send me your entries at agplaythings@yahoo.com so I can post them on the blog. Go ahead and post them in your signatures on Playthings, too, but don't tell anyone why.