Wednesday, January 14, 2009

January Word Challenge

You people have such boring vocabularies, I can't stand it. I am instituting monthly Angry Jess Word Challenges.

Okay, maybe not monthly. More like whenever I damn well feel you need it. Which might be daily if I could be bothered to think about it that often. Given the demands upon my time and person, that is unlikely. So we'll try monthlies and see how they flow.

Yes, that's a period reference. Deal with it.

Anyway, here's the deal: use the five chosen words correctly in sentences and in context in your posts on the Playthings Message Forum, and you'll get a special shout-out from me. No throwing random words around like peanuts on a barroom floor, you swine. Correctly and in context, or not at all. The words don't have to be in one single post, just all five used by you within a month's time. Prefixes and suffixes used appropriately are permissible. Also, no being cutesy doing cyber-waves and saying "see, AJ, I used a word!" Just use the damn word. Be natural about it.

January's Word Challenges:

Look up the meanings on your own. I'm not your teacher.

Now get busy. January is nearly half over.

Sunday, January 11, 2009

Sugar will rot your teeth and steal your soul

I firmly believe that a girl's best friend is small and vibrates on several settings for your self-pleasuring purposes.

AG believes otherwise, and that explains a lot about them.

AG created a line of brick-bottomed, magnetic-mouthed 'girl's best friend' pets for dolls. At first it was just an albino terrier named Coconut. It's a little known fact that Coconut had gender reassignment surgery, I don't mind telling you. She is doing just fine, and thanks for asking.

AG added a tuxedo cat friend a couple years later named Licorice. I'm not a dog person, but Licorice lived here until she was unceremoniously offed by AG last month (see previous blog entry for info about her sad fate). Licorice is another example of AG's perfidy and tendency to bow under pressure. There was an email campaign with threats for a nationwide AG boycott because of course as a black cat Licorice had to be a witch's familiar. Right? So, right, no more Licorice.

After removing all the magnets from the remaining Coconuts (because they also got letters saying that magnets were tools of the devil), AG added a couple more critters to the line-up. No, not the llama. The llama belongs to Chrissa, beans and all. The new critters include a golden lab pup and a calico cat.

There is also this:

WTF! It is evil personified! Do not want!

I swear, it's something Licorice threw up. Or maybe it's something from under Jiggy's bed, tied up with a bow. I've seen better pubic wigs. It might be a tribble on hormones, which is really bad because it will multiply and take over the world in days. Or wait, is it a Wishnik troll who missed its monthly electrolysis appointment? Even, perhaps, a Furby for the new millennium?

OMG, seriously, whatever it is, it will suck your essence through its beady eyes (because it apparently has no mouth). It will steal your sweet baby's breath while it sleeps.

Godzilla wants to kill it. Hell, I want to kill it. It is scary, creepy, and inappropriate.

Thanks for Scary Yorkie of Doom, AG. They couldn't give me a parrot, oh no, no matter how significant it was to my story.

But they can crank these little bastards out by the thousands. Buy them at your peril. You've been warned.

Wednesday, January 7, 2009

Sorry, Licorice

Why do pets have to die in the winter when the ground is so damned frozen you couldn't get a backhoe to dig a grave? We put Licorice in the meat freezer to hold until spring. Only I guess the box got shifted around so you couldn't see the "Licorice Remains: Do Not Feed to Godzilla" note I wrote. Or else Jiggy was too drunk to notice.

Cause, yeah.

No word from Godzilla as to whether Licorice actually tasted like licorice.

RIP, kitty.

Thursday, January 1, 2009

Llamas llamas everywhere, and not a bite to eat

I deeply regret that the information about llamas tasting like chicken has been disseminated on Playthings. If people find out that llamas are such good eats, the price of my llama on rye with a side of slaw is going to go up. I will not be pleased if that happens, and I will come steal your lunch money to make up the difference.

It's true, though. Llamas taste like chicken. Might as well admit it.

But llamas are apparently Da Bomb, the Next Big Thing, the new black. Who knew AG was onto something? Most days, they are merely on something. However, they are too full of themselves: I was sent this badly cropped stolen graphic from an anonymous source with an American Girl IP address.

Yeah, right. AJ obeys no llamas. Get real. Also, learn to post photos before trying to intimidate me. I scoff at your skillz.

I did receive a herd of plushie llamas from AG that I intend to keep. Jiggy said it was a peace offering but I know better; AG wants to weasel out of paying my Chrissa consulting fee and thinks the llamas will suffice. Like hell, AG.

I am going to name my herd thusly: Dolly Llama; Rama-Llama-Ding-Dong (we call him Dong for short); Osama bin Llama; Yo-Yo Llama (he plays cello, natch); and in loving tribute to the late great, Fernando Llamas (because he looks marvelous, baby).