Resolutely the Best and Worst of 2010

Yeah I'm a few days late. What of it?

Seriously, what dumbass makes resolutions on New Year's Day? That day is meant for nursing hangovers. True fact: 99.99% of all resolutions fail because people are hung over when making them. It's not that they don't achieve their goals, it's that they can't remember WTF the goals were in the first place. (The other .01% of resolutions fail because people make them while they're getting drunk).

So trust me on this: you're better off waiting a few days to get a feel for the new year and perspective on the old. Having done that, here's what I have to say about the years past and present:

AG Best of 2010
Nothing.

AG Worst of 2010
Everything.

Gee, that was easy.

Now if pressed (as in if money is pressed into my hand), I could elaborate...

Best Thread on AGPT:
All of the ones that got locked because everyone got pissed off and yelled at each other and lost track of what the original topic was. Those are perennial joys. I pass the popcorn and settle in to watch. Admit it; you do, too.

Best Random GOTY-10 Animal:

Coon in a can. While llamas have a lifetime lock on this category, Coony held his own in 2010. Especially considering that his competition was a Tang-dipped steroid-enhanced Toshi-clone. Then again the gigantic, rabid, radioactive-enhanced squirrel was close competition so maybe this one is a draw.

Best AG 2010 Release:
Camper. But only my customized version thereof.

Greatest Missed Potential for 2010:
Fulfillment of the Wikipedia "Casey Jones is the next GOTY" rumor. Because every GOTY needs a theme song and the Dead's Casey Jones with its catchy "Drivin' that train, high on cocaine" hook is made of awesome and win. Plus Jiggy could have consulted on the doll's collection: doll would wear red, of course, and have a lovely pharmaceutical collection. And yeah, her big ticket item would be a train. We're talking money in the bank with this one.

As for resolutions, considering I don't need to improve on anything, these are merely goals and reminders for me to focus on in 2011:

Reminders for 2011

1. Never watch a televised parade again. Jiggy wanted to watch the Mummers the other day but I sent him out for Peach Snapple and Twinkies instead as a distraction.

2. Find missing link for Warren Cash project. Jim Morrison's estate might need to be consulted on this. Possibly Freddy Mercury's as well.

3. Organize National Photobombers Convention. Or better yet pay someone else to do that, and just show up in all the pictures.

4. Try not to think about what this picture implies about the parentage of Mariah Carey's babies:



5. Step up the timetable on that total face mold domination thing. Also, outsource management of the Campaign for Anatomical Correctness, Female Division, to those people who make that Delilah Noir doll.

6. Coin a better New Oxford Dictionary "Word of the Year" candidate than "refudiate." That should take me, oh, two seconds.

7. Create a zoo populated by miniature animals like wee little ponies; panda cows; and pygmy goats, hogs, marmosets, rabbits and hippos. Then shrink down my sworn enemies to be the perfectly scaled zookeepers.

8. Send pictures of Righteously Bald Yul Brynner to Barack Obama in order to convince him to emulate Yul by shaving his head, now that he's stopped smoking.



9. Hire a personal assistant for Jiggy. He's going to be busy this summer, what with running the mobile Tiki Cocktail Stand AG made for She Who Does Not Officially Exist.

10. Post notices on AGPT about monthly blog raffles of locks of Jiggy's hair. Benefits the worthiest cause of all: me.

Annual Holiday Wish List of Doom

Yeah, I've been working on my holiday wish list. It's taken a while. I had to stop occasionally to do mundane little things like, oh, assist in tracking down that WikiLeaks guy, torture that one mod at the top of my List, mount a defense fund for Willy Nelson's latest weed bust, saute some cheap Cyber Monday llama, and hack into Proboards so the entire server system fails.

What? You multi-task by doing laundry and reading the paper. I multi-task by leaving mayhem and madness in my wake.

Be that as it may, I know you people have been breathlessly awaiting my Annual Holiday Wishlist of Doom so you could complete your holiday shopping. Or begin it, more like, because anything you buy after purchasing my gift will be anti-climactic. (Speaking of which, hey, how about that Cyber Monday on the AG site, eh? Doll collectors over on Playthings staying up late in some kind of group orgy thing, getting themselves all hot and bothered, credit cards in hand striving for that ultimate dollgasm and then....site loads....fizzle. I have no idea what that's like but listen folks, you have to face facts. For 364 days a year AG sells you cheap crap; the one day they're supposed to sell you crap cheap can't possibly live up to the hype).

So yeah, about my Wish List:

1. Inflatable Sumo Wrestler Costumes

I need a lot of these because they have multiple utility. First of all, the Entourage members will each don a costume for their annual New Year's Day Inflatable Sumo Wrestler Smackdown in yet another attempt to curry my favor. What else they do while wearing the suits is their business.

I also need miniature versions for the retired GOTY and archived Historical dolls, so they can have their own Inflatable Sumo Wrestler Smackdown. They get bored down there in the vault and dressing up like sumo wrestlers will keep them out of trouble, or at least give them a REAL reason to cry. What else they do while wearing the suits is their business.

Lastly, I need these costumes made up in various sizes so I can force my sworn enemies to wear them while competing in jello ring sumo tournaments for my amusement.

2. Lee Harvey Oswald's original coffin
This treasure, exhumed in 1981, is being auctioned off right now. And damn, it would be mighty fine addition to my Lee Harvey Oswald collection! I've got quite a stash of Lee memorabilia, including all the instruments played in that kickass final concert in Dallas. You know, this one:



I'm still pissed that I wasn't able to score the mike stand in that picture. Someone sniped me on it in waning seconds of the auction. Still, having the coffin will make up for that loss. And I don't mind the water damage, in case you're worried about that. Auction ends on December 16.

3. NWTF merchandise

Most people think this logo belongs to the National Wild Turkey Federation. I'm here to tell you that it's shorthand for "Now, WTF?" Because we all know that's what everyone says when they see a flock of wild turkeys crossing the Interstate or their living room floor, and you know I speak the truth about this. It happens every day to some of you. I will need several black t-shirts with this logo emblazoned on it for members of my Entourage. And this:



I need a ton of these umbrellas. They'll suffice for expressing my disdain for the universe on rainy days. They will also supplement the weaponry arsenal for the inevitable Rise of the Ginger Army as prophesied in the Book of Nellie at the End of Days.

3. Hard vinyl bobblehead monkey wearing fez



This gift is for Toshi. I don't need to explain why to you, so STFU or I'll stab you with my NWTF umbrella. Everyone is entitled to his or her share of vibrating hard vinyl, monkey-shaped or not. Whatever, I don't judge.

Get him two.

4. Angry purses
I like cats as much as any animal that I don't actually, you know, eat. So either of these Angry Kitty purses will do me fine.





Jiggy would like this one:



What? You're surprised I like Hello Kitty? Judgmental much? Before we sold the camper, we had this decal on all the windows:



Couldn't scrape them off when we sold the camper, so I could use another dozen or so for the Shaved Ice Mobile we'll be getting with Kanani's debut next month.

Speaking of which....

5. Shaved ice machines

So yeah, Kanani is getting a shave ice machine. I, of course, can do better and will be building a Shave Ice Mobile Van. That's right, we're taking the shave ice show on the road. I'm not sure yet which machine I like best and Consumer Reports is no help with this, so I want all of these for comparison purposes.

First, there's the classic Snoopy Snow Cone version:

Admittedly, I don't have high hopes for this next one:

I've been to Barbie's parties and trust, me, this one won't end well. But never let it be said that Mattel doesn't revisit ideas!

Lastly, we have the Disney Mickey Ice Shaver and Snow Cone Machine.

I find it to be...awkward...and yet highly erotic at the same time.

6. Pink Cadillac Leather Couch



Yeah, use your imaginations on this one. No, belay that; you'll just frighten yourselves. Having this in the home minimizes the risk of intrusive paparazzi encounters whilst in flagrante delicto, which accordingly ensures that no paparazzi will come to bodily harm as a result of their intrusiveness. So consider this a gift for the preservation of feckless paparazzi lives.

But really, the best part about this couch is that it once belonged to my sworn enemy Mary Kay. We all know what happens to my sworn enemies. Just ask Billy Mays.

7. Knife block



I so need this. It accessorizes nicely with the awkward Mickey Ice Shaver, actually.

8. TLAPD stocking stuffers

I need to have band-aids on hand for piratical accidents, and grog-flavored breath minds for chronic piratical halitosis.





9. R2D2 projection alarm clock



You see projection alarm clock. I see potential laser weaponry (with a little tweaking) for my quest for Face Mold Domination.

Ho ho, no, hoes.

Llama Tales

You've no doubt heard about the llama who showed up for the Bible reading? What, no? Here, read all about it: BORING RELIGIOUS LLAMA STORY HERE.

Yeah, whatever, my llamas don't go in for that. They are, however, known for wandering down to the corner bar and pulling a couple tall cool ones on a Saturday night. And they're more likely to cuss you out (in llama) than they are to quote Scripture. But hey, to each his own.

Right now my llamas are righteously bald.



Yes, I know that is a picture of Righteously Bald Yul Brynner. I happen to think it is more interesting to look at a photo of angry Yul Brynner than it is to look at a pathetic shorn llama. Yul Brynner, he was hot. Llamas, they are not hot...but they make good eats.

Anyway, my llamas were shorn last week so Jiggy could send their fleece to Louisiana. Llamas don't have oil in their hair, see, so their fleece makes the perfect absorbent for catastrophic oil spills. The llamas don't care about being balded so long as they have a few brews handy and access to the latest installment of ROCKET LLAMA. Plus now they will be all comfy cool in the summer heat. We had a neighbor once who used to shave her collie in the summer, and that dog looked like ass without fur. Its ass especially looked like ass, and let me tell you, a collie ass should not be hairless.

But llamas? They're used to getting shorn. And it's for a good cause.

What is not good in any way is this lousy oil spill. WTF, is someone out to destroy New Orleans? I know I'm not the first to articulate that paranoid idea but really, I don't think it's so damned paranoid when you get right to it. The good times we're supposed to be rolling in down there aren't meant to be soaked in crude...or at least not that kind of crude. My outrage covers plenty of political ground because as I see it, there's plenty blame to go around.

Things Need To Be Fixed, that's what I'm saying. And if they aren't fixed soon, I've got surplus stock of llama beans to pass along to the lazy asses what should be doing the fixing. And hey, I'll raise Yul Brynner from the dead to deliver said llama beans while I'm at it. If you thought Righteously Bald Yul Brynner was fierce? Yeah, you don't know fierce until you've messed with Righteously Bald Undead Yul Brynner.

Snowmageddon, whistle pigs, and llamas

In the wake of Snowmageddon, I've been asked to go on a cross-country Weatherperson Eradication Tour. Tempting as it is to fuel up the camper and road trip it, I have to pass. Your wrath, delicious though it is to observe, is misplaced. You see, while I sympathize with those of you who only loaded up on a day's worth of toilet paper and milk when you should have bought enough for a week, it's not your local weatherperson's fault that you were misled.

Blame the whistle pig.

Marmota monax.

The woodchuck who can't chuck wood. The land beaver who brings you no candy grams.

No?

The goddamned groundhog.



Rat bastard.

Every year that fucker sees his shadow. Every year. Not that he can help but, what with those klieg lights shining on him. And then every year the press predictably makes a fuss about this, and every year PETA complains about the animal cruelty, and every god-damned year we settle in for six more weeks of winter.

Never mind that it doesn't take a groundhog to predict in early February that we're in for six more weeks of snowy cold wintery weather.

The worst thing about it is that there is now a copycat rival groundhog prognosticator by the name of Staten Island Chuck. That's right, in addition to unique social diseases, the great borough of Staten Island's contribution to modern civilization is another prognosticating whistle pig. Thank you, Staten Island. It just killed you to see Punxsutawney get more press, didn't it?

Chuck lives in a freaking zoo, the wuss. The only good thing about him is that he bit Mayor Bloomberg last year. That was cool.

Anyway, Chuck's show is rigged so he won't see his fat ass. Based on that, he predicted an early spring this year. Because ZOMG, it's Battle of the Groundhogs! In 3D!

And people were so confused. Believe Phil, or believe Chuck? Being eternal optimists and suckers for novelty (plus secretly fancying the woodchuck that bit the Mayor), most chose to place their faith in Chuck.

And that's why they don't have enough toilet paper and milk in the wake of Snowmageddon 2010. That only serves them right for their disloyalty to Phil. Phil knows the way the wind blows. Granted, he might only bite the fingers of the top-hatted Groundhog Club Inner Circle handlers, whereas Chuck gnaws on the Mayor, but Phil's 120 years old and he knows weather when he sees it.

Such drama, groundhogs. One doesn't have these problems with llamas. That's because llamas produce unique antibodies that can detect the presence of toxic bioterror agents. True fact! Read the LLAMA LINK and weep, you doubters.

My llamas can take your lame whistle pigs any day of the week.

Yeah.

Summertime, and the living is sleazy...

You! Quit with your "But AJ, when are you going to update your blog?" messages already! Haven't you ever heard of summer vacation? I'm hip-deep in coconut oil and margarita salt here. I'll update my blog when I damn well please.

And while I'm at it, pester me not about the Vocabulary Challenge. Proboards is gorked and the search function doesn't work properly, so I have no way of searching to see if you people have used the words. And if you think I am going to read each and every post on AGPT to see if you've done the job properly, you are more delusional that I thought possible. However, I remain distressed that AGPT members are failing to expand their vocabularic horizons when posting. I'm telling you, if I see the word 'cute' used one more time I will take my knitting needles to your dolls' eyeballs. Surely you can find better adjectives? Yeah, wait, I forgot: you're all idiots. Well, fine. Since it is my sworn duty to help the linguistically challenged, I hereby declare war on the word 'cute' at AGPT. You've been warned.

I know you all want to know what I think about Rebecca and her collection. Here's a clue: I haven't spent any time thinking about her. She does not signify. FFS, all you people have cared about for the last month is Rebecca. Is it any wonder that I have been avoiding AGPT? Fine, you want to know what I think about Rebecca? She’s a pest. She’s an Old Testament plague personified. But fear not: I have the solution for this particular plague:



Rebecca Repellent, available at all fine mercantiles.

Rebecca’s collection is right up there in terms of what I’d expect from AG. Which is to say, it pretty much sucks llama fur. Mind you, I can’t begrudge the girl her samovar. But would it kill AG to make something really useful? If they can make a samovar, they can sure as hell make a hookah for the JLY line.



That's right. Doll hookah.

The Movie Dress rivals Samantha's Bridesmaid Dress for Worst Execution of a Book Illustration Ever. Plus, we all know that column dresses are the Fashion Goddesses' way of making flat-chested sisters feel good about themselves. Let me tell you, Rebecca only wishes she could fill out a halter top like I do. Oh, and it seems to me that Rebecca has more than a little bit of a hat fetish going on. Seriously, what's with all the hats? More flat-chested over-compensation, drawing the eye upwards? Then again, given the complaints about Rebecca's thin wig, I'm thinking the hats are necessary because she has alopecia. Becky, honey, embrace the baldness and shave your head already. We all know nothing turns on male libido like a smooth bald AG head. I'm also wondering about the dual purpose of that Meet hat. Can Rebecca pull rabbits out of it? Wait, no, not rabbits. She can use those kittens of hers for the Magic Hat Act...although truth be told by the looks of those kitties, she pulled them out from somewhere else.

Speaking of butts and cats:



Little known fact: Rebecca's bedroom collection is from the Youthful Bordello line, what with the one-piece pantaloons and the fantasy bed. Seriously, can you doubt the inspiration?





She needs a pearl-handled revolver to tuck into her decolletage and she's all ready to play Saloon Girl. I hear that's coming with the holiday releases. Hmmm. Maybe there's some hope for her after all....

Enough about Rebecca. I hereby declare that those AGPT members who have gone above and beyond in services rendered to the collecting community (e.g. by seeking out and sharing scoop, going to stores and taking pictures so people can get their New Release Fixes, and other actions to be rewarded at my discretion) will hereby be inducted into my very own Order of the Llama. Stupid AGPT mods have been coming up with asinine custom titles up until now to recognize people; the non-specific ones will now be replaced. So listen up: if you have some lame-ass custom title you need to PM me and I'll replace it by inducting you into the Order. Note that my Order is not be confused with THESE PEOPLE, who take their llamas very seriously indeed. Me, I just like to eat them. The llamas, that is, not people. I have my standards.

Llamas llamas everywhere, and not a bite to eat

I deeply regret that the information about llamas tasting like chicken has been disseminated on Playthings. If people find out that llamas are such good eats, the price of my llama on rye with a side of slaw is going to go up. I will not be pleased if that happens, and I will come steal your lunch money to make up the difference.

It's true, though. Llamas taste like chicken. Might as well admit it.

But llamas are apparently Da Bomb, the Next Big Thing, the new black. Who knew AG was onto something? Most days, they are merely on something. However, they are too full of themselves: I was sent this badly cropped stolen graphic from an anonymous source with an American Girl IP address.



Yeah, right. AJ obeys no llamas. Get real. Also, learn to post photos before trying to intimidate me. I scoff at your skillz.

I did receive a herd of plushie llamas from AG that I intend to keep. Jiggy said it was a peace offering but I know better; AG wants to weasel out of paying my Chrissa consulting fee and thinks the llamas will suffice. Like hell, AG.

I am going to name my herd thusly: Dolly Llama; Rama-Llama-Ding-Dong (we call him Dong for short); Osama bin Llama; Yo-Yo Llama (he plays cello, natch); and in loving tribute to the late great, Fernando Llamas (because he looks marvelous, baby).

Chrissanticipation

Damn, holiday time is busy time. You people who are doing that Clandestine Coconut exchange on Playthings? You’d best get your asses in gear and PM me when you send your gifts, because I don’t want to have to hunt you down. I’ve got better things to do.

Well, it’s also that joyous time of year when AG fandom collectively tumesces about a new Girl of the Year doll. Ho-freaking-hum. Another LE doll, imagine that. You’ll excuse me for not getting excited. While LE doll releases are more predictable than herpes outbreaks, they are about as welcome from my point of view. Now, when I initially heard the rumors about “lulu” and “furry llamas” I was delighted to think that AG might finally be moving to capture the highly lucrative dolly pr0n market. (What’s the use of having a flat-screen doll TV if you don’t have any doll pr0n to watch on it? David asks me this all the time and I don’t have a good answer for him. These are the people who gave me a lame-ass tree swing, after all. They defy logical analysis.) So I had high hopes for Chrissa at first, but those were soon dashed.

Frankly, Chrissa is doomed to have one of those “everything but the kitchen sink” collections, what with miniature llamas and swim teams and potting wheels and bullying and whatever the hell else they can throw in there. So it was no surprise when I got called in for some high-level talks with AG brass about tweaking Chrissa. They needed help. They asked me to beta the books written by Mary Casanova, since she is also the author of my own fine epic tale of Belieze. Now, Mary’s a great writer, don’t get me wrong. But I felt that Chrissa needed to be edgier. I made a few suggestions, which I’ll share with my loyal readers so you’ll know what might have been had AG only listened to me.

I focused on the llamas. For sheer randomness, they are marketing gold. But AG never goes far enough. Yeah, we all know there will be cute little plushie llamas for tie-in marketing squee. But any fool knows that kids want toys that actually DO something. Thus my first suggestion was product-related: make a plushie miniature llama with realistic pooping action. You feed it hay and grain and alfalfa; squeeze the tummy; voila, instant llama turds! I thought this had great marketing potential. AG went ahead and made a few prototypes of pooping Starburst, the baby llama, but ultimately abandoned the idea. They mumbled something about not wanting to offend PETA. The hell? PETA knows llamas poop! How is this offensive? Whatever. Watch for Starburst, the Prototype Pooping Llama on eBay. I expect these will command high prices on the secondary market, just like Prototype Farting Toshi does.

I had some other related product tie-ins in addition to Pooping Llama. Like soybean llama bean candles. What’s not to love about those? Also, I developed a Llama Reproduction Tutorial manual for middle school students. Why not take the opportunity to get back to Pleasant Company’s original mission, that of education through play?



They rejected it. Clearly AG no longer bothers to even pay lip service to the educative mission of yore.

So I pulled out all the stops and proposed a plot development in which Chrissa and her friends Gwen and Sonali get lost in the frozen tundra of Minnestora while on their way to Ma Walton's llama farm. They get rescued by the miniature llamas, but sadly the llamas have to be sacrificed to keep Chrissa, Gwen, and Sonali alive during the blizzard. The girls manage to survive by warming themselves next to the exposed entrails of the llamas, Star Wars-style. I really thought this would have excellent cross-fandom appeal. I mean, who can forget how in The Empire Strikes Back, Han slaughters the tauntaun to keep frozen Luke alive after the wampa attack on the planet Hoth?



That’s one of my favorite scenes, right up there with slave-girl Leia with hot Jabba action. I still have my Leia Organa Slave Girl outfit. I should get it out to wear on New Year’s Eve.

Anyway, for Xtreme Chrissa marketing, I proposed that AG develop a 3 foot tall miniature llama with Open Belly Rescue Feature. You know, with a slit big enough for Chrissa to fit inside, so kids could re-enact the dramatic rescue scene. Like this, only AG-sized:



It would have been a major big ticket item seller. AG brass kicked the idea around and I think they even prototyped one or two, but ultimately nixed the idea as too expensive from a manufacturing standpoint. Whatever. I think they were worried about PETA again.

I have since washed my hands of the whole Chrissa debacle. AG is going to revel in its mediocrity and that’s all there is to it, I guess. What more can I do? I’ve composed a little song that expresses my feelings about Chrissa. Sing it to the tune of Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer, with feeling.

Chrissa, the newest LE
Had a furry miniature llama (not a yeti or a tauntaun!)
But she wasn't in the In Crowd
And so there was endless drama (like Oedipus)

All of the other students
Used to laugh and call her names (like douchebag)
They never let poor Chrissa
Join in any llama games (like llama tipping)

Then one cold Minnestora day,
I, Angry Jess came to say
"STFU, Chrissa, you've got a year to shine
Don't want to hear you bellyache and whine" (or I'll show you what bullying really means)

Then how Chrissa groveled
And I kicked her in the muslin ass (too much stuffing)
Chrissa the llama lover
You are never gonna last! (like the Sacagawea coin)