Angry Words from Angry Jess: Annual Holiday Wish List of Doom

Yeah, I've been working on my holiday wish list. It's taken a while. I had to stop occasionally to do mundane little things like, oh, assist in tracking down that WikiLeaks guy, torture that one mod at the top of my List, mount a defense fund for Willy Nelson's latest weed bust, saute some cheap Cyber Monday llama, and hack into Proboards so the entire server system fails.

What? You multi-task by doing laundry and reading the paper. I multi-task by leaving mayhem and madness in my wake.

Be that as it may, I know you people have been breathlessly awaiting my Annual Holiday Wishlist of Doom so you could complete your holiday shopping. Or begin it, more like, because anything you buy after purchasing my gift will be anti-climactic. (Speaking of which, hey, how about that Cyber Monday on the AG site, eh? Doll collectors over on Playthings staying up late in some kind of group orgy thing, getting themselves all hot and bothered, credit cards in hand striving for that ultimate dollgasm and then....site loads....fizzle. I have no idea what that's like but listen folks, you have to face facts. For 364 days a year AG sells you cheap crap; the one day they're supposed to sell you crap cheap can't possibly live up to the hype).

So yeah, about my Wish List:

1. Inflatable Sumo Wrestler Costumes

I need a lot of these because they have multiple utility. First of all, the Entourage members will each don a costume for their annual New Year's Day Inflatable Sumo Wrestler Smackdown in yet another attempt to curry my favor. What else they do while wearing the suits is their business.

I also need miniature versions for the retired GOTY and archived Historical dolls, so they can have their own Inflatable Sumo Wrestler Smackdown. They get bored down there in the vault and dressing up like sumo wrestlers will keep them out of trouble, or at least give them a REAL reason to cry. What else they do while wearing the suits is their business.

Lastly, I need these costumes made up in various sizes so I can force my sworn enemies to wear them while competing in jello ring sumo tournaments for my amusement.

2. Lee Harvey Oswald's original coffin
This treasure, exhumed in 1981, is being auctioned off right now. And damn, it would be mighty fine addition to my Lee Harvey Oswald collection! I've got quite a stash of Lee memorabilia, including all the instruments played in that kickass final concert in Dallas. You know, this one:

I'm still pissed that I wasn't able to score the mike stand in that picture. Someone sniped me on it in waning seconds of the auction. Still, having the coffin will make up for that loss. And I don't mind the water damage, in case you're worried about that. Auction ends on December 16.

3. NWTF merchandise

Most people think this logo belongs to the National Wild Turkey Federation. I'm here to tell you that it's shorthand for "Now, WTF?" Because we all know that's what everyone says when they see a flock of wild turkeys crossing the Interstate or their living room floor, and you know I speak the truth about this. It happens every day to some of you. I will need several black t-shirts with this logo emblazoned on it for members of my Entourage. And this:

I need a ton of these umbrellas. They'll suffice for expressing my disdain for the universe on rainy days. They will also supplement the weaponry arsenal for the inevitable Rise of the Ginger Army as prophesied in the Book of Nellie at the End of Days.

3. Hard vinyl bobblehead monkey wearing fez

This gift is for Toshi. I don't need to explain why to you, so STFU or I'll stab you with my NWTF umbrella. Everyone is entitled to his or her share of vibrating hard vinyl, monkey-shaped or not. Whatever, I don't judge.

Get him two.

4. Angry purses
I like cats as much as any animal that I don't actually, you know, eat. So either of these Angry Kitty purses will do me fine.

Jiggy would like this one:

What? You're surprised I like Hello Kitty? Judgmental much? Before we sold the camper, we had this decal on all the windows:

Couldn't scrape them off when we sold the camper, so I could use another dozen or so for the Shaved Ice Mobile we'll be getting with Kanani's debut next month.

Speaking of which....

5. Shaved ice machines

So yeah, Kanani is getting a shave ice machine. I, of course, can do better and will be building a Shave Ice Mobile Van. That's right, we're taking the shave ice show on the road. I'm not sure yet which machine I like best and Consumer Reports is no help with this, so I want all of these for comparison purposes.

First, there's the classic Snoopy Snow Cone version:

Admittedly, I don't have high hopes for this next one:

I've been to Barbie's parties and trust, me, this one won't end well. But never let it be said that Mattel doesn't revisit ideas!

Lastly, we have the Disney Mickey Ice Shaver and Snow Cone Machine.

I find it to be...awkward...and yet highly erotic at the same time.

6. Pink Cadillac Leather Couch

Yeah, use your imaginations on this one. No, belay that; you'll just frighten yourselves. Having this in the home minimizes the risk of intrusive paparazzi encounters whilst in flagrante delicto, which accordingly ensures that no paparazzi will come to bodily harm as a result of their intrusiveness. So consider this a gift for the preservation of feckless paparazzi lives.

But really, the best part about this couch is that it once belonged to my sworn enemy Mary Kay. We all know what happens to my sworn enemies. Just ask Billy Mays.

7. Knife block

I so need this. It accessorizes nicely with the awkward Mickey Ice Shaver, actually.

8. TLAPD stocking stuffers

I need to have band-aids on hand for piratical accidents, and grog-flavored breath minds for chronic piratical halitosis.