Friday, February 11, 2011

Public Service Announcement: This is not a Simian Baby

Because I know you people are easily confused, I want to assure you that this eBay listing is not for a prototype Bitty Baby. Nor is it an auction for a new line by AG called Simian Babies.

The listing in fact reads
"Your are bidding on 1 large prototype package of the 12" planet of the apes figure. This package is direct from the factory, and is in a heart printed box from the American Girl line (mattel).

Thanks for looking..paypal only"

So let me spell this out for you: you need to use Paypal only if you wish to purchase this twelve inch Planet of the Apes action figure shoved into an old Bitty Baby AG box.

Yeah. That's right. I'll be at the bar if you want to join me in a round of "WTF is that?" Because I don't even know where to begin with this one (mocking the grammar and spelling fail notwithstanding, because that's like shooting fish in a barrel).

Anyway, I'll have you know that Godzilla does not approve. Don't EVER try to shove Godzilla's ass into an old Bitty Baby box and peddle him on eBay. Many have tried, and none have lived to tell the tale.

Wednesday, February 2, 2011

And now for a short break to discuss the weather

I have it on good authority that the end of days draws nigh. How do I know this? Well, Dr. Phil saw his shadow today, which means he is still a fat pig. Granted, that doesn't necessarily spell the end of days, but it's worth mentioning. Meanwhile in Punxsutawney, I am told that Phil the marmota monex did NOT see his shadow today, prompting Joe Wilson to rise up from whatever hole he lives in and cry "You lie!" Seriously, Phil, have you looked at the weather lately? Early spring, my muslin ass. See you in six weeks, at which point I expect a lot of chumps will be calling for your ass in the barbecue. You have naught to fear from me as I neither believe your feeble prognostications nor have I a hankering for woodchuck meat.

But really, the crux of the matter regarding the impending end of the world is this: in Egypt, there are electric catfish that live in the Nile River. Really. Electric catfish. If ever there was evidence that the end of days was drawing nigh, it's this. Because everyone knows that eels are zombie-like creatures, and electric catfish are related to eels. So voilĂ , it stands to reason that quasi-zombie-like creatures which emit electromagnetic energy are going to rise up and take over Egypt, which surely signals worldwide doom and destruction. Ergo, the end of days is nigh.

Take a look at Egypt right now and tell me I'm wrong about this. Go ahead, try. It's similar to the Rise of the Ginger Army as prophesied in the Book of Nellie, only not really.

But you're not particularly concerned about the end of days, are you? "No, not really, not unless it impedes my products being shipped from American Girl in a timely manner, AJ."

Right. What you people really want me to do is explain why AG is caught in an endless cycle of product retreads, aka a perpetual AG Groundhog Day.

There are two aspects to this. One is when AG goes and uses the same mold, paints it a little differently, and markets it as a new shiny for the ignorant masses. Like Kaya's fire here:

And the Campfire and Treats fire here:

See? Same damned fire. Well, sort of. Kaya's is a bit shinier, as befits her being from 1754. Rocks were prettier then, being part of unspoiled nature and all. And of course, the second fire pit is actually an upgrade because it plays "four classic summer camp songs." Yeah, I don't know what four classic songs your battery-operated plastic fire pit plays, but mine belts out The Doors' C'mon Baby Light My Fire, Hendrix's Let Me Stand Next To Your Fire, Talking Heads' Burnin' Down the House, and of course The Stones' Playin' With Fire.

There are many examples of this sort of retread, such as MY water bottle and the Hopscotch Hill water bottle, MY scooter redone as a generi-modern doll scooter, MY Toshi hopped up on steroids and force-fed Tang to turn him into an orangutan of fail (but we all know what happened in the end, so it's all good), multiple cases of same shoe-different color, AG's various Pet Carriers and Pet Beds and Grooming Tubs, and the identical designs marketed as Stars and Moon and Flower trundle beds (both of which splinter the moment you look at them sideways). I'm sure there are more incidents of AG retread fail that escape me at the moment; come up with your own if you are so inclined.

Now to be fair, it's not like one can whip up a helluva lot of variation on water bottles, fire pits and pet furniture design. But the rest, yeah, that's plain lazy-ass design.

Then we get the variations-on-a-theme thing that AG does. See, AG sells toys. For sure they are pricey toys, but they're toys. The window of opportunity to hook kids is a small one, given how quickly kids grow up. So every couple of years, AG repackages some damned outfit or accessory and sells it to a whole new 'generation' of kids. That's why we get multiple variations of boogie and paddle boards, flippers, cheerleading and dance and ballet and riding outfits, bowling uniforms (WTF, why?), snowboards, ski gear, inline skate sets, and best of all, MY pajamas for Mia and that current imposter for GOTY, Kanani.

You might conclude that AG wouldn't know an original idea if a groundhog came up and bit it on the corporate ass. And you might be right about that, but remember that the end of days is nigh and plan accordingly.