Saturday, March 28, 2009

How'd I Get This Wedding Toast Gig, Anyway?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, congrats to Playthings Mod SarahL(FKA SarahS) and all that stuff. Can we go back to drinking now? Or at least have some cake?


The mods tell me I need to give the newlyweds some advice first, seeing as how I have the most successful love life of all of them put together, pathetic losers that they are.

So, fine. Here are five pieces of wisdom for you to read and heed:

1. Communicate. If your husband is being a dickhead, you need to let him know about it in no uncertain terms. Terms like, say, dickwad, ball-less wonder and jerk-off. Right, none of these is politically correct or even remotely respectful. Keep that in mind, because he has the right of rebuttal and is also fully entitled to tell you the same, using the language of his choice. Dissing is a two-way street, so don't go down it if you can't take it.

2. Every marriage has its rough spots. Just remember what Henry Kissinger said: "Nobody will ever win the battle of the sexes. There’s too much fraternizing with the enemy." Errr, whatever; Henry was a dickwad and it's a shame his wife never told him that.

3. Remind your husband often of his position in your life: manservant.

4. The three things couples fight most about are money, sex, and kids. Bo-o-o-ring. Be cutting edge: try to fight about interesting things like sex, drugs, and rock-n-roll. For example, go to town about which is better, Excitable Boy or Roland the Headless Thompson Gunner. I go back and forth on this myself, personally.

5. Don't let him wash your bras. Men never get this right, never.

Now give me my damned cake.

Wednesday, March 18, 2009

Off with their heads.

Do you know what this is?

Right, it's a guillotine scaled to fit 16 inch fashion dolls. Someone is selling it on eBay.

Damn it. Why do the fashion dolls always get the cool accessories?

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

We're Too Sexy for Your Daughter

WTF is the matter with people? Mothers of preschoolers everywhere are losing bladder control over Tween Dora. Because OMG, she's too sexy! She's a bad influence!

Look at Dora. Go on, look at her. You won't go blind.

THAT is sexy? Mothers of preschoolers, you so need to get glasses. Dora's cute and she's got good hair but damn, Tween Dora is NOT sexy. Seriously, if that's your standard of oozing sexuality, stay away from my lingerie collection because you'd have a stroke on first sight. For that matter, stay away from Jiggy's lingerie collection (although frankly I'd recommend doing that on principle because it oozes something else entirely).

Tween Dora is welcome to party with me any time. I'll show her some sexy.

And while we're on the topic of scary, creepy, and inappropriate:

Know who that is? That's Delegate Jeff Eldridge of Lincoln County, W. Va. He wants to ban Barbies from West Virginia stores to protect the children. Apparently he thinks Helen Lovejoy was talking to him personally:

Eldridge says that Barbie influences girls to place too much importance on physical beauty, at the expense of their intellectual and emotional development. I'm going to resist the temptation to haul out the tired, offensive West Virginia jokes here and address my man Jeff straight: Jeff, you are a dickwad. Never mind your MA in counseling. I have a Bill of Rights here that confirms my right to buy as many Barbies as I want and decorate your bedroom with their disembodied heads. Well, okay, I can't legally decorate your bedroom with their disembodied heads, but I daresay you've already done that. Because you are scary, creepy, and inappropriately obsessed with Barbies, my friend. And I know scary, creepy, and inappropriate.

Dude, listen; if you are so concerned about little girls placing too much importance on physical beauty (and I'm with you on that, but still), shouldn't you be campaigning against every damned television show, film and magazine in the country? Because I don't think little girls are learning these life lessons from Barbie, I really don't. Barbie's a bitch and she has her Issues, but corrupting America's girlhood is not one of her agendas.

Go away, Jeffrey, and quit wasting your constituents' money with your bogus Toy Police bills. You want to rally for a vinyl cause? Then campaign to get some goddamn gonads for Ken. That's a cause to get behind.

Wednesday, March 11, 2009

Word Challenge

OMG, you people. I did not forget the monthly word challenge. I simply chose to ignore it in favor of launching the Campaign for Anatomical Correctness. I have my priorities.

I do applaud your enthusiasm in wishing to continue this exercise in vocabularic** expansion. Here are February's winners:

Playthings members Kimpa and Chynatgr rocked the Challenge by correctly using all five words (cockamamie, intestate, obfuscate, succor, and titter for those of you with short memories). Kudos; your llama bean casseroles are being Fed-Exed. Tinkertee hit two Challenge words correctly but fell short of a third by using cockamamie as a noun. Lastly, member Jacksonvol made a respectable first time appearance in the Challenge with the correct usage of intestate. If I missed your entry, PM me on Playthings so I can amend this accordingly.

Your March/April Challenge Words are:


That's right, six words for this next round. Rock it out.

** Technically 'vocabularic' is not an officially recognized word. But it should be, and I can argue its legitimacy should I be forced to do so, with weaponry to persuade the doubters.

Tuesday, March 10, 2009

Happy birthday, Barbie

Warning: contains full frontal doll nudity.

Yeah, so Barbie turned 50. Whoop-de-fricking-do. She gives new meaning to the term ‘plastic surgery.’ Because if it is possible to inflate it, enhance it, nip it, or tuck it? Yeah, she's done it all.

The truth is, Barbie is one unhappy doll. It's glaringly obvious to even the most amateur of armchair psychologists (of which I am not one, thank you very much. I have professional training). Her identity issues are painfully apparent: constantly changing hair and eye colors; enormous and varying wardrobe; career-hopping; relationship cut-offs; and lately the ever-changable tattoos.

There's no stability. She can't settle. She's desperately trying to fill that empty void within. And you know why, don't you? Because girlfriend thinks she needs a man to be complete, and that's not going to happen.

"Oh, but AJ! Barbie has Ken!"

Yeah, right. Aside from that faulty codependent logic which is governing her every move (and apparently yours), have you ever taken a good look at Ken?

No. I mean, a really good look.

Because there's nothing there.

Nothing. Zip. Nada. Just a hint of a bulge and some flesh-toned briefs.

And that's no way to live. Because let's face it, as sad and desperate as Barbie obviously is, it's Ken who has had to bear the brunt of this shameful condition (inflicted upon him by none other than the sadists at Mattel, I might add).

At first, it wasn't so bad. The earliest Kens were pathetic, but pathetic in a Charles Atlas Skinny Guy-who-always-got-sand-kicked-in-his-face way.

You could almost believe there was hope for him, until you focused in on that haunted look in his eyes.

He knew.

He's always known.

Over the years he's grown out his hair and put a little meat on his bones.

But something was always missing. And he was clearly starting to get pissed about it (so to speak).

Sure, yeah, despite that initial haunted awareness Ken was content to let things hang. But with Barbie absent so often on the cruise ship, Ken began commiserating with his friend GI Joe. And GI Joe clearly recognized the horror of their mutual agony:

So that's when things started to change for Ken (just like they changed for Adam in the Garden of Eden. Except there was no snake involved this time).

Ken became ashamed. Modesty became an obsession. First came the flesh-tone briefs. Occasionally, he donned plastic tighty-whiteys. Anything, anything to hide the lack.

Sadly, pathology set in and he went to extreme measures.

And then there were the times when he gave up completely and explored other dimensions.

So whither Ken?

In this new era of the audacity of hope, when Dora the Explorer can emerge from puberty looking hot-to-trot and reinvigorate her sales, well, it is not outside the realm of possiblity to imagine that anatomical correctness can happen for Ken. It would mean a little happiness for Barbie (and perhaps when the glow wears off and her angst remains it will force insight, self-awareness, and personal growth).

Certainly it would mean the relief of a lifetime of shame for Ken.

So write to Mattel. Write to them today. Let them know you support The Campaign for Anatomical Correctness. Because vinyl gonads are a terrible thing to waste.

And yeah, happy birthday Barbie.

No, these photos are not from my personal Ken collection. Most are from eBay auctions, used for illustrative purposes. And then there is this one, from the journal Healthhabits, which really ought to strike fear into my male readers'...whatever.

This entry is dedicated to that one mod who is at the top of my List.

Wednesday, March 4, 2009

What am I, an 18 inch Cassandra?

I’m sick of feeding info to the mods and posting things myself over on Playthings that are ignored.

Two years in a row, I’ve shared impending retirement news. Tons of people read those threads; a month later they write “Oh noes, such-and-such is retiring!” I freaking TOLD you it would, you nimrods! And Rebecca? Yeah, I fed people the news back in December 2008 that lo and behold, after all these years, prepare ye the way because Rebecca is coming in 2009. I even leaked info about items from her collection. Oh but then the book titles showed up online a month later and what do we see? Countless “Squee, there really WILL be a Rebecca doll!” posts. Like I was lying about her? Hell, I even told people new stuff would be online AG within a week. When a week passed and new stuff showed up online, all you saw was “OMG, OMG, OMG. New stuffs! Who knew?”

"Who knew?"


And I told you!

Do you think I make this stuff up? Seriously? Like those idiots who have no lives and troll Wikipedia for shits and giggles? Well, you know what? That’s what I’m going to do from now on: I’m going to make stuff up. Only I am not going to tell you if I lying am or not, so you can just freaking guess.

Fine. So let me tell you all about Rebecca, because she is totally breaking new ground for AG. Rebecca will be the first doll manufactured with heterochromatic eyes and changeable wigs. Yeah, so all you who don't want a blonde Rebecca? Well presto-chango, look what I pulled out of my muslin ass: Rebecca is a brunette! That’s right: it’s Wigged Out Rebecca. Oh, and you want her to have a pet? Well, Rebecca has a pet dinosaur. Of course it gets loose and eats most of St. Petersburg, but that’s okay, because it sets the stage for her wonderful core book series:

Meet Rebecca
After fleeing tsarist wrath in St Petersburg, Rebecca and her family move to Boise, Idaho where they settle into life as dinosaur ranchers. But when Papa's breeding program goes disturbingly awry due to sheep-dinosaur genetic incompatibility, the family must leave town incognito in the middle of the night and lose themselves in New York City.

Changes for Rebecca
Rebecca. Puberty. ‘Nuff said.

Rebecca to the Rescue
It’s the Great War! Sick and tired of American isolationist policy, Rebecca lies about her age and gender and runs off to England to join their military. Matters take a tragic turn when befuddled by the language barrier, Rebecca mistakes mustard gas for a condiment.

Rebecca Learns a Lesson
Fresh (and slightly brain-damaged) from her adventures in England, Rebecca returns to NYC and joins an exclusive dungeon S&M club on the Upper East Side. To her surprise, she learns that while Madame P may play a dominatrix during the night, she is an abused wife during the day. Can Rebecca help her new friend find the strength to start a new life?

Candlelight for Rebecca
Rebecca burns down her apartment building when playing with the kitchen candles. Can Rebecca find forgiveness or is she destined to become a reclusive pyromaniac?

Rebecca and the Movies
Rebecca and Ana Make a Silent Porno.

Yeah. So when Rebecca's S&M accessory set shows up on the AG site? Don't say I didn't tell you.