Wednesday, March 4, 2009

What am I, an 18 inch Cassandra?

I’m sick of feeding info to the mods and posting things myself over on Playthings that are ignored.

Two years in a row, I’ve shared impending retirement news. Tons of people read those threads; a month later they write “Oh noes, such-and-such is retiring!” I freaking TOLD you it would, you nimrods! And Rebecca? Yeah, I fed people the news back in December 2008 that lo and behold, after all these years, prepare ye the way because Rebecca is coming in 2009. I even leaked info about items from her collection. Oh but then the book titles showed up online a month later and what do we see? Countless “Squee, there really WILL be a Rebecca doll!” posts. Like I was lying about her? Hell, I even told people new stuff would be online AG within a week. When a week passed and new stuff showed up online, all you saw was “OMG, OMG, OMG. New stuffs! Who knew?”

"Who knew?"


And I told you!

Do you think I make this stuff up? Seriously? Like those idiots who have no lives and troll Wikipedia for shits and giggles? Well, you know what? That’s what I’m going to do from now on: I’m going to make stuff up. Only I am not going to tell you if I lying am or not, so you can just freaking guess.

Fine. So let me tell you all about Rebecca, because she is totally breaking new ground for AG. Rebecca will be the first doll manufactured with heterochromatic eyes and changeable wigs. Yeah, so all you who don't want a blonde Rebecca? Well presto-chango, look what I pulled out of my muslin ass: Rebecca is a brunette! That’s right: it’s Wigged Out Rebecca. Oh, and you want her to have a pet? Well, Rebecca has a pet dinosaur. Of course it gets loose and eats most of St. Petersburg, but that’s okay, because it sets the stage for her wonderful core book series:

Meet Rebecca
After fleeing tsarist wrath in St Petersburg, Rebecca and her family move to Boise, Idaho where they settle into life as dinosaur ranchers. But when Papa's breeding program goes disturbingly awry due to sheep-dinosaur genetic incompatibility, the family must leave town incognito in the middle of the night and lose themselves in New York City.

Changes for Rebecca
Rebecca. Puberty. ‘Nuff said.

Rebecca to the Rescue
It’s the Great War! Sick and tired of American isolationist policy, Rebecca lies about her age and gender and runs off to England to join their military. Matters take a tragic turn when befuddled by the language barrier, Rebecca mistakes mustard gas for a condiment.

Rebecca Learns a Lesson
Fresh (and slightly brain-damaged) from her adventures in England, Rebecca returns to NYC and joins an exclusive dungeon S&M club on the Upper East Side. To her surprise, she learns that while Madame P may play a dominatrix during the night, she is an abused wife during the day. Can Rebecca help her new friend find the strength to start a new life?

Candlelight for Rebecca
Rebecca burns down her apartment building when playing with the kitchen candles. Can Rebecca find forgiveness or is she destined to become a reclusive pyromaniac?

Rebecca and the Movies
Rebecca and Ana Make a Silent Porno.

Yeah. So when Rebecca's S&M accessory set shows up on the AG site? Don't say I didn't tell you.


  1. LMFAO! AJ you are the queen of snark and I bow before your greatness!

    Did someone say there was a Rebecca? Dang I keep missing all the good stuff out there.

  2. No, there's actually not going to be a Rebecca doll. That's just an ugly rumor AG perpetrated to distract us from the fact that they are trying to make little girls buy stuffed llamas. Damn them, buying up my victuals.