We're Too Sexy for Your Daughter

WTF is the matter with people? Mothers of preschoolers everywhere are losing bladder control over Tween Dora. Because OMG, she's too sexy! She's a bad influence!

Look at Dora. Go on, look at her. You won't go blind.



THAT is sexy? Mothers of preschoolers, you so need to get glasses. Dora's cute and she's got good hair but damn, Tween Dora is NOT sexy. Seriously, if that's your standard of oozing sexuality, stay away from my lingerie collection because you'd have a stroke on first sight. For that matter, stay away from Jiggy's lingerie collection (although frankly I'd recommend doing that on principle because it oozes something else entirely).

Tween Dora is welcome to party with me any time. I'll show her some sexy.

And while we're on the topic of scary, creepy, and inappropriate:



Know who that is? That's Delegate Jeff Eldridge of Lincoln County, W. Va. He wants to ban Barbies from West Virginia stores to protect the children. Apparently he thinks Helen Lovejoy was talking to him personally:



Eldridge says that Barbie influences girls to place too much importance on physical beauty, at the expense of their intellectual and emotional development. I'm going to resist the temptation to haul out the tired, offensive West Virginia jokes here and address my man Jeff straight: Jeff, you are a dickwad. Never mind your MA in counseling. I have a Bill of Rights here that confirms my right to buy as many Barbies as I want and decorate your bedroom with their disembodied heads. Well, okay, I can't legally decorate your bedroom with their disembodied heads, but I daresay you've already done that. Because you are scary, creepy, and inappropriately obsessed with Barbies, my friend. And I know scary, creepy, and inappropriate.

Dude, listen; if you are so concerned about little girls placing too much importance on physical beauty (and I'm with you on that, but still), shouldn't you be campaigning against every damned television show, film and magazine in the country? Because I don't think little girls are learning these life lessons from Barbie, I really don't. Barbie's a bitch and she has her Issues, but corrupting America's girlhood is not one of her agendas.

Go away, Jeffrey, and quit wasting your constituents' money with your bogus Toy Police bills. You want to rally for a vinyl cause? Then campaign to get some goddamn gonads for Ken. That's a cause to get behind.