We're Too Sexy for Your Daughter

WTF is the matter with people? Mothers of preschoolers everywhere are losing bladder control over Tween Dora. Because OMG, she's too sexy! She's a bad influence!

Look at Dora. Go on, look at her. You won't go blind.



THAT is sexy? Mothers of preschoolers, you so need to get glasses. Dora's cute and she's got good hair but damn, Tween Dora is NOT sexy. Seriously, if that's your standard of oozing sexuality, stay away from my lingerie collection because you'd have a stroke on first sight. For that matter, stay away from Jiggy's lingerie collection (although frankly I'd recommend doing that on principle because it oozes something else entirely).

Tween Dora is welcome to party with me any time. I'll show her some sexy.

And while we're on the topic of scary, creepy, and inappropriate:



Know who that is? That's Delegate Jeff Eldridge of Lincoln County, W. Va. He wants to ban Barbies from West Virginia stores to protect the children. Apparently he thinks Helen Lovejoy was talking to him personally:



Eldridge says that Barbie influences girls to place too much importance on physical beauty, at the expense of their intellectual and emotional development. I'm going to resist the temptation to haul out the tired, offensive West Virginia jokes here and address my man Jeff straight: Jeff, you are a dickwad. Never mind your MA in counseling. I have a Bill of Rights here that confirms my right to buy as many Barbies as I want and decorate your bedroom with their disembodied heads. Well, okay, I can't legally decorate your bedroom with their disembodied heads, but I daresay you've already done that. Because you are scary, creepy, and inappropriately obsessed with Barbies, my friend. And I know scary, creepy, and inappropriate.

Dude, listen; if you are so concerned about little girls placing too much importance on physical beauty (and I'm with you on that, but still), shouldn't you be campaigning against every damned television show, film and magazine in the country? Because I don't think little girls are learning these life lessons from Barbie, I really don't. Barbie's a bitch and she has her Issues, but corrupting America's girlhood is not one of her agendas.

Go away, Jeffrey, and quit wasting your constituents' money with your bogus Toy Police bills. You want to rally for a vinyl cause? Then campaign to get some goddamn gonads for Ken. That's a cause to get behind.

Some messages for AG

Dear AG -

I've been holed up at the Playthings offices the last few days trying to deal with my voluminous fan mail. I'm not getting much done. Seems you chose this week to let loose with a volley of new releases. Oh yeah, the phone's been ringing off the hook here and do I ever have some messages for you.

1. First off, Barbie called. She wants her Dream House furniture back.



Seriously, don't mess with that bitch. Hand over the princess phone and no one will get hurt.


2. Mother Nature called. She'd like to know if you'd forgotten how to dress for winter?



Why is this girl wearing long underwear, a sleeveless dress, and marshmallows on her feet? Going out in public in your underwear is every kid's worst nightmare.

Wait, wait wait. Those aren't marshmallows, are they? Damn it, AG, are those bunnies? Did you kill BUNNIES, put bows on their poor sad dead bodies, and stick them on doll feet? You sick bastards. That is scary, creepy, and inappropriate personified.

3. Dora the Explorer called. She'd like to reserve one of these outfits for when she becomes pre-pubescent.



Dream on, Dora. At least you have a monkey to keep you company. Toshi sends his regards.


4. Miley Cyrus called. She wants to know how you got hold of the outfit she was going to wear on her next tour. She's so mad, she's sending Billy Rae after you to break your achey breaky whatever.



The creepy Cyrus family aside, let's talk about this. What, you could only afford half a shirt? You had to tape it to the front of another shirt, like some bum who lives in the basement of his mother's house and wears a fake tuxedo to weddings?

Also, what gives with the stickers on that sign? You think those will last long with kids? You'd best be keeping a major stock of replacement stickers handy for the parents who call in to complain that Precious and Dumpling have run out. Freaking magnetic phobia. Freaking paranoid lawyers.


5. Pocahontas called. Disney Pocahontas, I mean, not the real one. She'd like her woodland creatures back.



Overpriced plushies FAIL. I know that three Webkinz total $48 easily, but they come with online access and a virtual world. Now THAT would be all kinds of awesome: virtual Kaya guts and skins virtual animals; virtual bear chases virtual Kirsten up virtual tree. I'd buy the plushies if they were bundled with that.


6. Mia called. I hung up on her. She called maybe, oh, a dozen more times. She finally left a message wondering if you had any more toilet paper to hang off her performance costume.




7. K*Mart called. They asked if you wanted to buy any more witch costumes, because they can give you a bulk discount.



Ah, I was wondering why that outfit looked so cheap. Also, I know I've seen its like somewhere before. Wait...yeah, here it is:



That's right, it's the dress worn by the Splat Witch, the one people put on trees at Halloween.

Also AG, the seventies called about that outfit to tell you that even they know poly-blend is passé. You want to create with poly-blend? Go, create for Ivy. Poor girl has but one damned dress.


8. That kid who likes to stand outside Borders smoking? The one who wears the cape and eyeliner? Yeah, he called to ask if his girlfriend could borrow Samantha's outfit for the Vampire Masquerade party.




9. Sesame Street called. They're concerned about you offsetting the fine campaign they've got going with Cookie Monster and nutrition. That's right, you just had to give prairie girl Kirsten a heaping pile of cookies, didn't you? It's a sad day when Cookie can't get his groove on by gobbling down some heap o' greasy junk, but Kirsten Larson can stuff her face with this:




10. The NFL called. They'd like their standard issue shoulder pads back.



Poinsettia snowflakes are whacked. Just sayin'.


11. Every baker in America called. That's right, every single one.

They want to inform you that the rolling pin you gave Kit would (1) tear any dough you tried to use it on to shreds as it stuck to the damned thing, and (2) be an absolute bitch to clean.



Patterned rolling pins are meant for icing and fondant, not for cookie dough. Everyone knows that. Okay, not everyone. But you should, AG.

BTW, America's bakers are good people. They are sending me so many cookies. Which, in case you are wondering, I will NOT be sharing with Kirsten. She needs to be in fighting form now that AG has made a bear. No more cookies for her.


12. This last message is actually not for you, AG. It's for Ruthie.



Bitty Baby called. She wants her bib back.