Thursday, December 31, 2009

Johnny Cash is awesome, and dead.

I'm here today to talk to you about Johnny Cash and how awesome he is. I just learned he lived on a llama farm in his later years. His favorite llama was named Andy. If it turns out that he ate llama burgers on a regular basis, he might just replace Warren Zevon as my favorite artist. Although it'd be a tough choice because Warren (who is also dead) has a lot of really good songs about murder and headless people with guns and that classic one about lycanthropes and hockey enforcers and Elvis and Rottweilers and dying of cancer and monkeys and, yeah, really good stuff like that.

So AJ you ask, what about Johnny Cash? Well, for starters, WHY HASN'T SOMEONE CLONED HIM YET? (Note: the same applies to Warren Zevon.) Or, alternately, why is money being wasted on the cyrogenically frozen head of Walt Disney and not the frozen head of Johnny Cash? I mean, who do we need more in this world? The Man in Black, or a guy who animates furry woodland creatures for a living? Right, no debate, the answer is The Man in Black. Unless you're Lamie and are lobbying for the first animated motion picture produced by American Girl, in which case Walt is your hero. But trust me, Lamie, there are hundreds of other animators of furry woodland creatures from whom you can choose. Be original and go make a pr0n movie with furry woodland creatures. Oh wait, that's Snow White. Never mind.

While we're on the subject of furry woodland creatures, let me just ask you people: how many does one doll need? At last count, Lamie has five and even six if you count the fact that she stole and molested my Toshi. The count doesn't even include whatever's coming with the second set of releases. Tell me, does she really need a rabbit (which, if she lets it loose in the garden, will soon turn into a hundred rabbits); a raccoon (menace) doing an Oscar the Grouch impression; a cross-eyed owl; a badly-made giant, mutant squirrel (vicious beasts that no one should try to domesticate); a constipated fox; AND that horrifying offspring of a union between a midget orangutan and a traffic cone?

Seriously, that squirrel? Is the take-home message going to be "Beware: Radioactive waste is bad; causes giant, mutant squirrels who want to bite your face off"?

Well crap, someone just poked their head into the AGPT offices and said I'm supposed to make some resolutions since it's a new year and all. Yeah, I don't think I need to change anything, especially considering the service I'm doing for you losers by providing this blog AND grammar tips on AGPT. Plus, my mere existence is inspirational for all.

Still, I do have an off-the cuff to-do list for 2010:

-Do swear at Cousin Antonin more. Do not agree to edit his memoirs.
-Remember: Beer before liquor, not liquor before beer.
-Test cattle prod on anyone who uses 'alright' instead of 'all right." Or 'alot' instead of 'a lot'. Full body tasing for those who can't get the your-you're distinction. Death for the there-their-they're idiots.
-Come up with really good April Fool's joke for AGPT. Oh, wait, I did that last year. Top that, suckers.
-Raise profile of TLAPD. Use cattle prod on anyone caught not talking like a pirate on TLAPD.
-Use cattle prod more on that one mod. Also, use taser. And heavy artillery if called for.
--Use cattle prod, taser, and heavy artillery more, period.
-Clone Johnny Cash and Warren Zevon. Make Warren Cash clone, as an experiment. He can be my manservant if it turns out well.

Wednesday, December 30, 2009


So an advance American Girl catalogue arrived at the Playthings offices last week with Lanie Holland and her camperload of crap plastered all over it. I could have posted photos from it onto the forum, but suck it, I already did my community service bit by posting the announcement about that Julie: An American Girl Musical. So yeah, I took the catalogue into the back room, ripped the Lanie centerfold out for my dart board (Chrissa was in shreds anyway) and decoupaged the trash can with the rest of the photos. Then I kicked the can into the windows a couple times and threw it at that one mod for good measure.

Listen up, AG. You need to go do unspeakable things to your corporate self with a gardening hoe.


The hell? You touched my monkey? You dipped him in carrot juice and pumped him up with steroids? I'm going to fucking kill whomever did this to my monkey. Monkeying around with my monkey, not cool. No one touches my monkey unless I say they can my touch my monkey, do you hear me?

FFS, Lanie's collection is nothing but an ugly blonde version of what mine should have been. She got the premium accessories because AG failed with my collection and I'm here to haunt them about it for the rest of their unnatural days. Such dickweeds. Need I remind you people that my motif was butterflies? That's right, and my color palette was orange and pink with outdoorsy green leaf accents.

So that sundress Lanie has on, it belongs to me. And her camping gear? You bastards, AG, I needed that stuff out on the archaeological dig site in Belize. Tree hammock, my muslin ass. And I see you gave Lanie a goddamn hat but left me to cook my brains out in the hot Central American sun! But apparently it's okay for Lanie to get skin cancer elsewhere on her vinyl torso, since bitch has no sunscreen. I like to fantasize that Lanie won't last a whole year because she'll be retired early for the chemo treatments. Hell, she already has the wig.

Whatever, sure, Lanie has a lot of stuff. But she has no common sense so far as I can tell, what with cavorting with rabies-prone wild animals. Seriously, who the hell is going to pay $28 for canned raccoon? Yeah, right, the same chumps who will shell out $34 for plushie animals whose genetic origins have something to do with the radioactive waste from Pennsylvania's Three Mile Island. AG tried to keep the random plushie animal theme going but nothing is going to top random llamas, nothing. And Lanie, yeah, we get that she loves nature. But I already told you that sheep fear her for her nature-loving ways. You mark my words about that.

However, the irony of the non-biodegradable plastic recycling bin never fails to amuse me. And I do have dibs on Lanie's stash, so all is not lost here.

And let me tell you about that camper. Yeah, the Entourage is tricking it out right now for Jess and Jiggy's Incredible Adventure. When we're done with it that thing will have a wet bar; waterbed; state-of-the-art subwoofers; home theater with 5.1 surround sound; kickass ground effects, spinners, and hydraulics; a Dominatrix-inspired roof rack; a priest hole for when the cops come; mirrored shower stall with pulsating adjustable shower sprays and nozzles; 24 hour catering service on call (I will need a George Foreman grill, and by that I mean George will travel with us and do my grilling); sidecar for Toshi; greenhouse on the roof for growing herb/s; and optional warp drive. And no matter what they cost, I want railroad air horns and a military spot.

Because that's how I roll, bitch.

Saturday, December 26, 2009

Pervs on Playthings

Yeah, you, I'm looking at you. That's right, all of you, talking about gifting yourselves so you 'peak' in dollgasm, and then heading off to shave your Coconuts.

Seriously, fixated much? Yeah, I know, you only wish your lives were as interesting as mine.

(Here's a hint: shaving is quicker, but waxing is much more hygienic and longer-lasting. Your Coconuts will thank you for waxing them).

Wednesday, December 16, 2009


The Playthings mods had a group photo taken for their holiday card but they 'forgot' to tell me about it. So that's why I'm not in it, in case you were wondering.

Oh excuse me...what's that you say, you can't log onto Playthings? Yeah, that's because revenge is a dish best served by tattooed vinyl goddesses. The mods shut down the forum for maintenance to undo the damage I did after they invoked my wrath by excluding me from the photo.

They never seem to learn not to mess with me.

Anyway, once they get things figured out and the forum is enabled back online, you can start playing AG Collector Bingo. Your card is HERE. When you get a bingo, make a post in whatever thread you're in; the post should read BINGO. That's it, nothing else. Just write BINGO. It will confuse the hell out of the fools who don't bother to read my blog.

Saturday, December 12, 2009

The Real Scoop on GOTY 2010 Lanie Holland

Those towels? Yeah, they're for you people to clean the hell up after yourselves as a result of yesterday's wankfest on Playthings over alleged Lanie cover art. I'm not touching that hot mess.

Seriously people, you're collectively delusional if you thought I would let any other GOTY have the kick-ass weaponry and accessories that AG was creating, as described in my recent blog entry. Oh hell noes! I kicked that doll and her treasure trove to the ground...and that's why you're left with Barbie in a polo shirt.

But hey, all is not lost. You people are so wound up, you can't see past the color of her face to the very best part.

What? Can't quite make it out? So here:

Yeah, Lanie 'Holland.'

Because it's totes legal there.

Friday, December 11, 2009

My Holiday Wish List

Yeah, yeah, yeah, so Thanksgiving, Black Friday and Cyber Monday have come and gone. While the rest of you were stuck in the 80's channeling your inner Gordon Gekko, I was doing something far more enjoyable and productive: celebrating Naked Wednesday.

Actually, it segued into a week long event. Once we'd cleaned up the marshmallows, collapsed the trampolines, and paid hush money to the Shriners, it was time to complete my annual Holiday Wish List.

Of course, it couldn't be that easy, not with my moderating responsibilities on Playthings. Damn you people, you anger me to distraction! Endless pages of wank on Playthings about stained sex toy AG dolls on eBay. Also, advice for sewing up doll crotches! FFS, what? Sewing up doll crotches!? That is wrong, wrong, and wronger. It is also not in keeping with my Campaign for Anatomical Correctness. (BTW, the sex toy doll on eBay? Yeah, that was Jiggy's).

Then I find out Time Magazine Online raised Rebecca's profile by including her on its Top Ten Oddball Online News Stories HERE by making her seem bad-ass, seeing as how she shares a name with some Canadian arsonist fugitive. WTF, really, arson? Seriously, that's what you call bad-ass? Yeah, I don't think so. Most Canadians of my acquaintance are not arsonists per se, although I'll grant you that they routinely burn things to keep warm and sometimes ownership issues are overlooked. Time's fact-checkers scored even more negative points with an aside about Gwen (Remember her, of the Homeless Doll Wank?) being from the Great Depression.

Yo, listen up, Time Magazine Online: you suck.

Also sucking? Ad companies that don't screen the ads they farm out, so that they then spread viruses on the computers of unsuspecting message forum users. You totally suck, ad companies. Thankfully, I am around to help Proboards sort out that mess.

On top of all that, I've had to deal with Dick Cheney quitting his job as Man Servant. Sure we all saw that coming, but he could have given more notice. I've had to pull Jiggy away from his regular Jiggy Duties to cover Man Servant Detail. Jiggy has many talents, but Man Servant is simply not his thing. He dumped half a box of ammo into a bag of clothing meant to go to the thrift store, and then some Playthings member found it. (Better her than Dick Cheney, I suppose).

Fortunately, things are finally settling down. Yeah, sure, I still need a new Man Servant, but these things have a way of falling into place.

On to the important things. My Holiday Wish List is as follows:

1. In the wake of the week-long Naked Wednesday festivities, I need to put in a request for a case of this stuff for the Entourage and the llamas:

Use your imaginations as to why. Wait, no, belay that. You'd only frighten yourselves with the possibilities. Just never you mind why.

2. Nothing says holiday cheer like shiny new weaponry and implements of torture in one's Christmas stocking. I would make good use of anything from THIS PLACE.

3. I'm sticking with a weaponry theme as I redecorate the condo guest room, so I think this would be a lovely addition:

As would the Prickly Pear Chair:

However, the latter needs some modifications. Seriously, where are the prickles? Also, the color is all wrong. I can make it work, though, so go ahead and throw it into your carts.

4. My sworn enemy Billie Mays died before I could use one of these horse heads on him, but trust me, there are other sworn enemies. So, I need this:

5. Logistics can be tricky with a busy Entourage like mine. Until I can get them all in one place for a Naked Tattoo Party, these slip-on tattoo sleeves will come in handy.

6. I love me some fried eggs in the morning. This Gun Egg Fryer from Urban Trend will start my day off right:

7. Every well-equipped kitchen needs these Ketchup and Mustard Dispensers. I'd like one for each member of the Entourage, personalized with their initials.

8. This will break up the monotony of those endless AG consultations I'm called in on, and has possibilities for harrassment of unsuspecting Playthings mods.

9. Of course, I'll need a half dozen or so of these shirts:

Also these:

10. These Godzilla ornaments are precious. I need five dozen for my holiday tree.

11. Playthings people are always lamenting about how AG needs to create Science accessories for the dolls. I'm totally with them on that; bring it on. First order of business is this Cocktail Chemistry Set, because yeah, I'm all about the Science.

12. My good friend Dave Barry profiled these Metal Detecting Sandals recently. Although I'm loath to remove my ass-kicking boots, I'm with him on the utility of these sandals in uncovering pirate booty. So yeah, I'll have them.

13. I need these bolt ear buds, so I can be Franken-stylin' when I listen to my tunes.

And these:

Jiggy wants these:

14. I actually don't want this educational Sperm Snow Globe for myself, but I thought I'd throw it on the list for those of you who are still obsessing about that stained sex toy doll on eBay.

15. Darth Vader Build-a-Bear, want. Do NOT fuck with me by sneaking in the Jonas Brothers voice chip.

16. Lastly, I need more Hummel figurines to add to my collection.

I coat the insides with plastic and use them for jello shot molds.