Monday, November 9, 2009

What Really Goes on in the Archives

All you whiners who said that poor dear Samantha and Nellie and Kirsten would die of boredom in the cruel, cruel AG archives? Yeah, suck it.

Because from what I can tell from the olde eBay photo gallery, your Sammy-kins is just beginning to get her groove on.


Losing inhibitions is a good thing. Samantha's damned proud of being an American Girl these days.

Princess never looked better. Love the tat.

Lay lady, lay, lay across your big brass bed. Just don't lay on the pizza, party girl. Also, that is totally a vibrator between her legs.

Ah, but sometimes a doll can go too far:

Surgery is indicated here, but hey, that also means she gets to score some kick-ass drugs. By the way, while I am not responsible for the navel and nips action in the above photo, my Campaign for Anatomical Correctness takes the credit. Navel and nips FTW.

Yeah, you people only wish you were archived.

Thursday, November 5, 2009

American Girl Lanie Revealed

OMG, all this chatter about the GOTY for 2010 and it's only the beginning of November! Clearly, you people need me to set you straight sorting fact from fiction. So here's the deal: yes, Lanie is in fact a girl of color. Magnificent, glorious color. Heart-stopping technicolor, even. Here's a preview:

What, you were expecting her to be green? Enough with the "green" rumors, people. Even AG wouldn't be that obvious. No, no, no. Lanie loves Nature the way that Sarah Palin does: shot from a helicopter, gutted and skinned on the spot.

In fact, rumor has it that Lanie likes Nature a tad too much, you know what I'm sayin'? Seriously, sheep live in terror of the very mention of her name. Even my llama herd seems wary of her, although llamas are pretty much game for anything. Lanie's proclivities in this area reportedly stem from a failed experiment in the name of the Campaign for Anatomical Correctness. Trust AG to get that wrong. And pity the poor sheep.

Here are her plot summaries:

Lanie reads a book about Ethiopa and decides she doesn't want to go there, so she books a helicopter tour of Hawaii instead. Along the way, she accidentally harpoons a Right Whale and destroys a coral reef. Fleeing outraged environmentalists, Lanie goes on the lam but doesn't really get the concept. She soon learns that sheep don't appreciate her advances. Chaos ensues, and it's up to Lanie to make her peace with Mother Nature before it's too late.

Lanie's Real Adventure
Lanie meets a sprightly leprechaun who takes her back to the time of the Bubonic Plague. She learns about the importance of good hygiene after watching 60% of the world's population wither and die. She launches a Hand-Washing Awareness Campaign at her school but it fails because her fellow students are too buzzed from drinking anti-bacterial lotion. Lanie learns a hard lesson about survival of the fittest and decides to take matters into her own hands....

Lanie comes with a full collection of Nature accessories: muzzle-loading rifle, crossbow, laser sights, range finder, machete, taxidermy kit, a tree stand, and of course a helicopter (batteries not included). There is also a rumored plastic recycling bin and compost heap. I hear those were made in limited quantities because, you know, the irony of plastic compost is that plastic is made of petroleum in a not-very-Earth-friendly process. There were the predictable protests, so those latter two items are sure to sell out quickly and land on eBay at jacked-up prices later.

Lanie doesn't come with much of a wardrobe to speak of, just a camo Meet Outfit with hip waders. She does have a pet, though:


No, that's not Karl Lagerfeld (although perhaps he was the inspiration). That's Sugar Daddy Ken. He's Lanie's pet and he always does her bidding. She keeps him in the front pocket of her hunting jacket.

All in all, I have to say that I approve of Lanie. She's not as awesome as me, of course. But AG seems to have learned from the mistakes it made with my collection and has given her some kick-ass accessories. We'll see if they make the final cut.

Wednesday, November 4, 2009

Let Me Explain This To You

I am told that there was a great deal of confusion about my Halloween contest, in that you people couldn't grasp what exemplified Scary, Creepy, and Inappropriate.

It's really quite simple:

Keep this in mind for next year, will you? I don't want to have to explain it again. Those of you who got it, you have my compliments. (What, you were expecting prizes? Yeah, I don't think so. Bask in my commendation. That's prize enough).