Monday, December 29, 2008

Death by Knitting

Hand them over, Chrissa, or I'll cut your bangs.

Wait, you don't have bangs? Right, you will when I'm done with you, and in places you didn't know you could grow bangs.

WTF, AG, WTF? Knitting needles for CHRISSA?

You bastards. I knit. Me. Angry Jess. Not some wussy LE-come-lately who smells of llama and pool chlorine. I'm so pissed. It's time for a Yarn Smackdown. That's right. Be afraid, be very afraid.

And then we'll all be sporting new tats, like this one Jiggy got at the last Yarn Smackdown:

I'm going to personally tat Chrissa. I know just where to do it, too.

What's that, AG? You want to see samples of my work? Bite me. My portfolio on a bad day is way more awesome than anything Chrissa could knit with her gnarly llama wool. Look you bastards, just look, and weep at my Art:

Knitting needles, my muslin arse. Those were meant for ME.

You suck, AG. Do you hear me? YOU SUCK.

Thursday, December 25, 2008

Tuesday, December 23, 2008

My List

Yes, it is. All the Playthings mods are on it (especially that one who posts pictures of her dog's butt as festive holiday photos. Something is seriously wrong with her).

So yeah, you'd best be careful lest you, too, land on my List. Use spellcheck and your grammar and punctuation guides. Also, you over there? Do NOT send me messages telling me to drink prune juice and cheer up. There's a very special place on my List for the likes of you.

Of course, Sonali, Chrissa, and Gwen are on my List. I am working on more songs for them, but I have so much to do right now that I can't keep up. I desperately need that manservant from my wishlist, people.

Anyway, for starts, I have this:

Sonali got run over by a llama
As she was swimming home on Christmas Eve.
You can say there aren't homicidal llamas,
But as for Chrissa and Gwen, they do believe.

Feel free to add on. But damn it, spell Sonali right.

I need to finish and mail my holiday cards now. They were particularly festive this year, featuring a romantic photo of me, Jiggy, David, Adam, and my pet Godzilla all posed in front of the fireplace under a portrait of cousin Antonin. You only wish you were special enough to get one. Maybe next year.

If you stay off of my List.

Thursday, December 18, 2008


Damn, holiday time is busy time. You people who are doing that Clandestine Coconut exchange on Playthings? You’d best get your asses in gear and PM me when you send your gifts, because I don’t want to have to hunt you down. I’ve got better things to do.

Well, it’s also that joyous time of year when AG fandom collectively tumesces about a new Girl of the Year doll. Ho-freaking-hum. Another LE doll, imagine that. You’ll excuse me for not getting excited. While LE doll releases are more predictable than herpes outbreaks, they are about as welcome from my point of view. Now, when I initially heard the rumors about “lulu” and “furry llamas” I was delighted to think that AG might finally be moving to capture the highly lucrative dolly pr0n market. (What’s the use of having a flat-screen doll TV if you don’t have any doll pr0n to watch on it? David asks me this all the time and I don’t have a good answer for him. These are the people who gave me a lame-ass tree swing, after all. They defy logical analysis.) So I had high hopes for Chrissa at first, but those were soon dashed.

Frankly, Chrissa is doomed to have one of those “everything but the kitchen sink” collections, what with miniature llamas and swim teams and potting wheels and bullying and whatever the hell else they can throw in there. So it was no surprise when I got called in for some high-level talks with AG brass about tweaking Chrissa. They needed help. They asked me to beta the books written by Mary Casanova, since she is also the author of my own fine epic tale of Belieze. Now, Mary’s a great writer, don’t get me wrong. But I felt that Chrissa needed to be edgier. I made a few suggestions, which I’ll share with my loyal readers so you’ll know what might have been had AG only listened to me.

I focused on the llamas. For sheer randomness, they are marketing gold. But AG never goes far enough. Yeah, we all know there will be cute little plushie llamas for tie-in marketing squee. But any fool knows that kids want toys that actually DO something. Thus my first suggestion was product-related: make a plushie miniature llama with realistic pooping action. You feed it hay and grain and alfalfa; squeeze the tummy; voila, instant llama turds! I thought this had great marketing potential. AG went ahead and made a few prototypes of pooping Starburst, the baby llama, but ultimately abandoned the idea. They mumbled something about not wanting to offend PETA. The hell? PETA knows llamas poop! How is this offensive? Whatever. Watch for Starburst, the Prototype Pooping Llama on eBay. I expect these will command high prices on the secondary market, just like Prototype Farting Toshi does.

I had some other related product tie-ins in addition to Pooping Llama. Like soybean llama bean candles. What’s not to love about those? Also, I developed a Llama Reproduction Tutorial manual for middle school students. Why not take the opportunity to get back to Pleasant Company’s original mission, that of education through play?

They rejected it. Clearly AG no longer bothers to even pay lip service to the educative mission of yore.

So I pulled out all the stops and proposed a plot development in which Chrissa and her friends Gwen and Sonali get lost in the frozen tundra of Minnestora while on their way to Ma Walton's llama farm. They get rescued by the miniature llamas, but sadly the llamas have to be sacrificed to keep Chrissa, Gwen, and Sonali alive during the blizzard. The girls manage to survive by warming themselves next to the exposed entrails of the llamas, Star Wars-style. I really thought this would have excellent cross-fandom appeal. I mean, who can forget how in The Empire Strikes Back, Han slaughters the tauntaun to keep frozen Luke alive after the wampa attack on the planet Hoth?

That’s one of my favorite scenes, right up there with slave-girl Leia with hot Jabba action. I still have my Leia Organa Slave Girl outfit. I should get it out to wear on New Year’s Eve.

Anyway, for Xtreme Chrissa marketing, I proposed that AG develop a 3 foot tall miniature llama with Open Belly Rescue Feature. You know, with a slit big enough for Chrissa to fit inside, so kids could re-enact the dramatic rescue scene. Like this, only AG-sized:

It would have been a major big ticket item seller. AG brass kicked the idea around and I think they even prototyped one or two, but ultimately nixed the idea as too expensive from a manufacturing standpoint. Whatever. I think they were worried about PETA again.

I have since washed my hands of the whole Chrissa debacle. AG is going to revel in its mediocrity and that’s all there is to it, I guess. What more can I do? I’ve composed a little song that expresses my feelings about Chrissa. Sing it to the tune of Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer, with feeling.

Chrissa, the newest LE
Had a furry miniature llama (not a yeti or a tauntaun!)
But she wasn't in the In Crowd
And so there was endless drama (like Oedipus)

All of the other students
Used to laugh and call her names (like douchebag)
They never let poor Chrissa
Join in any llama games (like llama tipping)

Then one cold Minnestora day,
I, Angry Jess came to say
"STFU, Chrissa, you've got a year to shine
Don't want to hear you bellyache and whine" (or I'll show you what bullying really means)

Then how Chrissa groveled
And I kicked her in the muslin ass (too much stuffing)
Chrissa the llama lover
You are never gonna last! (like the Sacagawea coin)