Sunday, June 28, 2009

Cutewrights: Revenge of the C Word

Oh, but aren't you AGPT people addicted to your cute? My, my, my.

Look, if I'd replaced the damned word with something equally banal, no one would have noticed and my efforts to expand vocabularic horizons would be pointless.

I don't do pointless.

So yeah, 'scrumptious' got your attention. Boo-frickin-hoo all you want, but my War on Cute will continue all this week. You'll be the better for it when we're done, trust me.

Oh, and YOU? Stop sending me PMs whining about how mean you think I am. Yeah, I'm mean. I'm also scary, creepy, and inappropriate. Get over it.

Now leave me be. I'm deep into reviewing my Michael Jackson discography and do not wish to be disturbed with further 'cute' withdrawal during my mourning period.

Saturday, June 27, 2009

Summertime, and the living is sleazy...

You! Quit with your "But AJ, when are you going to update your blog?" messages already! Haven't you ever heard of summer vacation? I'm hip-deep in coconut oil and margarita salt here. I'll update my blog when I damn well please.

And while I'm at it, pester me not about the Vocabulary Challenge. Proboards is gorked and the search function doesn't work properly, so I have no way of searching to see if you people have used the words. And if you think I am going to read each and every post on AGPT to see if you've done the job properly, you are more delusional that I thought possible. However, I remain distressed that AGPT members are failing to expand their vocabularic horizons when posting. I'm telling you, if I see the word 'cute' used one more time I will take my knitting needles to your dolls' eyeballs. Surely you can find better adjectives? Yeah, wait, I forgot: you're all idiots. Well, fine. Since it is my sworn duty to help the linguistically challenged, I hereby declare war on the word 'cute' at AGPT. You've been warned.

I know you all want to know what I think about Rebecca and her collection. Here's a clue: I haven't spent any time thinking about her. She does not signify. FFS, all you people have cared about for the last month is Rebecca. Is it any wonder that I have been avoiding AGPT? Fine, you want to know what I think about Rebecca? She’s a pest. She’s an Old Testament plague personified. But fear not: I have the solution for this particular plague:

Rebecca Repellent, available at all fine mercantiles.

Rebecca’s collection is right up there in terms of what I’d expect from AG. Which is to say, it pretty much sucks llama fur. Mind you, I can’t begrudge the girl her samovar. But would it kill AG to make something really useful? If they can make a samovar, they can sure as hell make a hookah for the JLY line.

That's right. Doll hookah.

The Movie Dress rivals Samantha's Bridesmaid Dress for Worst Execution of a Book Illustration Ever. Plus, we all know that column dresses are the Fashion Goddesses' way of making flat-chested sisters feel good about themselves. Let me tell you, Rebecca only wishes she could fill out a halter top like I do. Oh, and it seems to me that Rebecca has more than a little bit of a hat fetish going on. Seriously, what's with all the hats? More flat-chested over-compensation, drawing the eye upwards? Then again, given the complaints about Rebecca's thin wig, I'm thinking the hats are necessary because she has alopecia. Becky, honey, embrace the baldness and shave your head already. We all know nothing turns on male libido like a smooth bald AG head. I'm also wondering about the dual purpose of that Meet hat. Can Rebecca pull rabbits out of it? Wait, no, not rabbits. She can use those kittens of hers for the Magic Hat Act...although truth be told by the looks of those kitties, she pulled them out from somewhere else.

Speaking of butts and cats:

Little known fact: Rebecca's bedroom collection is from the Youthful Bordello line, what with the one-piece pantaloons and the fantasy bed. Seriously, can you doubt the inspiration?

She needs a pearl-handled revolver to tuck into her decolletage and she's all ready to play Saloon Girl. I hear that's coming with the holiday releases. Hmmm. Maybe there's some hope for her after all....

Enough about Rebecca. I hereby declare that those AGPT members who have gone above and beyond in services rendered to the collecting community (e.g. by seeking out and sharing scoop, going to stores and taking pictures so people can get their New Release Fixes, and other actions to be rewarded at my discretion) will hereby be inducted into my very own Order of the Llama. Stupid AGPT mods have been coming up with asinine custom titles up until now to recognize people; the non-specific ones will now be replaced. So listen up: if you have some lame-ass custom title you need to PM me and I'll replace it by inducting you into the Order. Note that my Order is not be confused with THESE PEOPLE, who take their llamas very seriously indeed. Me, I just like to eat them. The llamas, that is, not people. I have my standards.