Thursday, December 31, 2009

Johnny Cash is awesome, and dead.

I'm here today to talk to you about Johnny Cash and how awesome he is. I just learned he lived on a llama farm in his later years. His favorite llama was named Andy. If it turns out that he ate llama burgers on a regular basis, he might just replace Warren Zevon as my favorite artist. Although it'd be a tough choice because Warren (who is also dead) has a lot of really good songs about murder and headless people with guns and that classic one about lycanthropes and hockey enforcers and Elvis and Rottweilers and dying of cancer and monkeys and, yeah, really good stuff like that.

So AJ you ask, what about Johnny Cash? Well, for starters, WHY HASN'T SOMEONE CLONED HIM YET? (Note: the same applies to Warren Zevon.) Or, alternately, why is money being wasted on the cyrogenically frozen head of Walt Disney and not the frozen head of Johnny Cash? I mean, who do we need more in this world? The Man in Black, or a guy who animates furry woodland creatures for a living? Right, no debate, the answer is The Man in Black. Unless you're Lamie and are lobbying for the first animated motion picture produced by American Girl, in which case Walt is your hero. But trust me, Lamie, there are hundreds of other animators of furry woodland creatures from whom you can choose. Be original and go make a pr0n movie with furry woodland creatures. Oh wait, that's Snow White. Never mind.

While we're on the subject of furry woodland creatures, let me just ask you people: how many does one doll need? At last count, Lamie has five and even six if you count the fact that she stole and molested my Toshi. The count doesn't even include whatever's coming with the second set of releases. Tell me, does she really need a rabbit (which, if she lets it loose in the garden, will soon turn into a hundred rabbits); a raccoon (menace) doing an Oscar the Grouch impression; a cross-eyed owl; a badly-made giant, mutant squirrel (vicious beasts that no one should try to domesticate); a constipated fox; AND that horrifying offspring of a union between a midget orangutan and a traffic cone?

Seriously, that squirrel? Is the take-home message going to be "Beware: Radioactive waste is bad; causes giant, mutant squirrels who want to bite your face off"?

Well crap, someone just poked their head into the AGPT offices and said I'm supposed to make some resolutions since it's a new year and all. Yeah, I don't think I need to change anything, especially considering the service I'm doing for you losers by providing this blog AND grammar tips on AGPT. Plus, my mere existence is inspirational for all.

Still, I do have an off-the cuff to-do list for 2010:

-Do swear at Cousin Antonin more. Do not agree to edit his memoirs.
-Remember: Beer before liquor, not liquor before beer.
-Test cattle prod on anyone who uses 'alright' instead of 'all right." Or 'alot' instead of 'a lot'. Full body tasing for those who can't get the your-you're distinction. Death for the there-their-they're idiots.
-Come up with really good April Fool's joke for AGPT. Oh, wait, I did that last year. Top that, suckers.
-Raise profile of TLAPD. Use cattle prod on anyone caught not talking like a pirate on TLAPD.
-Use cattle prod more on that one mod. Also, use taser. And heavy artillery if called for.
--Use cattle prod, taser, and heavy artillery more, period.
-Clone Johnny Cash and Warren Zevon. Make Warren Cash clone, as an experiment. He can be my manservant if it turns out well.


  1. What if Warren Cash doesn't turn out well? Then what will you do with him?

  2. Feed him to the llamas, most likely. Although the possibility exists that if people are properly subservient when approaching me, and if he's willing, I might sell tickets to Fondling Warren Cash Thursday events. But only if he is willing, because everyone has a right to naysay fondling. Especially cloned genius musicians.