How'd I Get This Wedding Toast Gig, Anyway?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, congrats to Playthings Mod SarahL(FKA SarahS) and all that stuff. Can we go back to drinking now? Or at least have some cake?

No?

The mods tell me I need to give the newlyweds some advice first, seeing as how I have the most successful love life of all of them put together, pathetic losers that they are.

So, fine. Here are five pieces of wisdom for you to read and heed:

1. Communicate. If your husband is being a dickhead, you need to let him know about it in no uncertain terms. Terms like, say, dickwad, ball-less wonder and jerk-off. Right, none of these is politically correct or even remotely respectful. Keep that in mind, because he has the right of rebuttal and is also fully entitled to tell you the same, using the language of his choice. Dissing is a two-way street, so don't go down it if you can't take it.

2. Every marriage has its rough spots. Just remember what Henry Kissinger said: "Nobody will ever win the battle of the sexes. There’s too much fraternizing with the enemy." Errr, whatever; Henry was a dickwad and it's a shame his wife never told him that.

3. Remind your husband often of his position in your life: manservant.

4. The three things couples fight most about are money, sex, and kids. Bo-o-o-ring. Be cutting edge: try to fight about interesting things like sex, drugs, and rock-n-roll. For example, go to town about which is better, Excitable Boy or Roland the Headless Thompson Gunner. I go back and forth on this myself, personally.

5. Don't let him wash your bras. Men never get this right, never.

Now give me my damned cake.