Wednesday, April 1, 2009

Mock me, will you?

Fear and Loathing on my birthday.

8:00 AM
Right. Send Marines and set up roadblocks, plus hoard liquor on my birthday? No, I don't think so. You Playthings people may never see The Rock and Johnny Depp again if you keep it up.

9:15 AM
Someone on Playthings has altered a photo of a not!Jess. Whatever. The cat eyes are a nice touch. They're all on my List. They're beside themselves with the sabotage I wreaked on the forum. Yeah.

10:21 AM
That lazy ass Johnny Depp slept in while The Rock and I spent the morning annoying Cadie by harrassing some pandas. I taped the photo of not!Jess the Purple Witch by Depp's bedside, and he woke up screaming like a girl. We're off to Target now to lay in supplies for the seige and buy a lizard.

11:30 AM
Lunch. The Rock can put away a lot of llama burgers.

12:02 PM
Not telling what we're going to do next. No photos, either. But we were somewhere around Barstow when the drugs kicked in.

3:45 PM
Boo yah.

5:03 PM
Rawwwr, I see a Marine blockade up ahead. They will be no match for my charms. I suspect they will try to manhandle me. Good.

7:03 PM
We've reached an understanding, the Marines and I. Don't ask; I won't tell.

8:04 PM
Marines can drink! But so can I.

9:17 PM
Warren Zevon sing-a-long. Marines, not so good at harmonizing with Zevon.

To paraphrase my dear friend, the late great Hunter S. Thomspon, there is a huge body of evidence to support the notion that the Marines and I were put on this earth to do extremely different things and never to mingle professionally with each other, except at official functions, when we all wear camo and drink heavily and whoop it up like the wild children that that we know in our hearts that we are. These occasions are rare, but they happen — despite the forked tongue of fate that has put us forever on different paths... Today is such a day. Happy birthday to me.

9:40 PM
Teaching Marines to knit red, white, and blue thongs.

10:08 PM
Wait, we're in Vegas. How'd that happen?

10:34 PM
I just had a brief but torrid affair with a traveling doll who was passing through by the name of JD. We had nothing in common but a shared initial and facemold, so yeah, we knew it was doomed from the start. Ah life. It's Vegas, it's my birthday, what can I say? Not like I need to explain myself to you.

11:42 PM
There's no place like home. There's no place like home. There's no place...wait, what?

It was all a dream?

Jiggy was Johnny Depp, David Duchovny was The Rock, and Adam Carpatina was the Marine Corps? They're telling me that I drank too much at that Playthings mod wedding and imagined it all.

But if it was all a dream, why is everyone wearing red, white and blue knit thongs?

Something isn't right here.

Where am I?

Is that Dick Cheney?


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