Tuesday, April 14, 2009

Yo ho ho

So you've been wondering where I've been, yeah?

As alert readers may recall, Dick Cheney appeared during the waning hours of my birthday Fear and Loathing Tour. He whisked me and the Entourage off to an undisclosed location. After plying us with caviar and champagne on mismatched pieces of White House china, he revealed a fervent desire to bring those Somali pirates who kidnapped an American ship captain to justice. Yeah, well, we all remember what a good shot Dick Cheney is, right? Right. That's why he needed me, what with my superior weaponry stash and skills. I'm not going to broadcast this fact beyond my blog because if word leaks out, I'll be in high demand, but yeah, after a quick call to the Obama administration? Well, that was me leading that Navy Seal sharpshooter squad what took down the Somali pirates.



Now I have to say that I had a wee bit of sympathy for the Somalis, since that $8 mil ransom was ostensibly in reparation for the toxic waste that Europeans have been dumping off the coast of Somalia since 1991. Not only that, but Europeans trawlers have been illegally fishing off Somalia's unprotected seas. WTF, Europeans, stop that shit! Eat llama like the rest of us, leave the Somali fish alone, and bury your toxic waste in your own damned backyards. I'm not saying that any of this justifies hostage-taking, and I'll do what needs to be done every time. But we all know I have a natural affinity for pirates and understand what can turn a man or doll to illegal activity on the high seas.

So, yeah.

I'm not much for Dick Cheney, but it occurred to me that he and I could reach an agreement that might help this country. He needs to be kept busy, that one does. As it turned out, I still needed a manservant. You see, Manservant #1 Kevin Federline didn't work out last fall; he kept dashing off to Vegas to party, plus Britney called at all hours. No, no thanks. Replacement Manservant Roddy Blagojevich was too busy fussing with his hair to attend to my needs, plus he requested so much time off for interviews and impeachment proceedings and such that I had to fire his ass. After that I received tons of applications from out-of-work Wall Street hedge fund operators. But hell noes, like I'd trust them? Levi Johnston also called about the position but he needs to get his GED first; I have my standards. But Dick Cheney? Highly educated, Machiavellian in temperament, out of work and totally manageable so long as I lay in an extra supply of raw meat (not hard to do with a Godzilla in the house).

So, meet my new manservant:

Just for the record, Dick's position is all about housekeeping and not at all about sex. Please. Don't make me gag. But a uniform is necessary, and we might as well go with leather.

So it's back to business as usual with my expanded Entourage of Jiggy, David, Adam, Johnny, The Rock, and Dick Cheney to keep the place tidy.

Life is good.

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