In the wake of Snowmageddon, I've been asked to go on a cross-country Weatherperson Eradication Tour. Tempting as it is to fuel up the camper and road trip it, I have to pass. Your wrath, delicious though it is to observe, is misplaced. You see, while I sympathize with those of you who only loaded up on a day's worth of toilet paper and milk when you should have bought enough for a week, it's not your local weatherperson's fault that you were misled.
Blame the whistle pig.
The woodchuck who can't chuck wood. The land beaver who brings you no candy grams.
The goddamned groundhog.
Every year that fucker sees his shadow. Every year. Not that he can help but, what with those klieg lights shining on him. And then every year the press predictably makes a fuss about this, and every year PETA complains about the animal cruelty, and every god-damned year we settle in for six more weeks of winter.
Never mind that it doesn't take a groundhog to predict in early February that we're in for six more weeks of snowy cold wintery weather.
The worst thing about it is that there is now a copycat rival groundhog prognosticator by the name of Staten Island Chuck. That's right, in addition to unique social diseases, the great borough of Staten Island's contribution to modern civilization is another prognosticating whistle pig. Thank you, Staten Island. It just killed you to see Punxsutawney get more press, didn't it?
Chuck lives in a freaking zoo, the wuss. The only good thing about him is that he bit Mayor Bloomberg last year. That was cool.
Anyway, Chuck's show is rigged so he won't see his fat ass. Based on that, he predicted an early spring this year. Because ZOMG, it's Battle of the Groundhogs! In 3D!
And people were so confused. Believe Phil, or believe Chuck? Being eternal optimists and suckers for novelty (plus secretly fancying the woodchuck that bit the Mayor), most chose to place their faith in Chuck.
And that's why they don't have enough toilet paper and milk in the wake of Snowmageddon 2010. That only serves them right for their disloyalty to Phil. Phil knows the way the wind blows. Granted, he might only bite the fingers of the top-hatted Groundhog Club Inner Circle handlers, whereas Chuck gnaws on the Mayor, but Phil's 120 years old and he knows weather when he sees it.
Such drama, groundhogs. One doesn't have these problems with llamas. That's because llamas produce unique antibodies that can detect the presence of toxic bioterror agents. True fact! Read the LLAMA LINK and weep, you doubters.
My llamas can take your lame whistle pigs any day of the week.