Not My AG

As Jiggy and I continue our corporately-sponsored Summer of Love tour across the continental USA in the tricked-out camper, eschewing campsite hook-ups for other means of hooking up, I've been amusing myself now and again with a little online hacking. Last week I poked around the American Girl Innerstar U site and stripped a few unsuspecting avatars buck-naked and righteously bald. Because, really, they look better that way. The stuff AG has for virtual 'sale' in those Innerstar shops is inexplicably lame, even for AG.

What is it with the sloppy school-girl theme AG is pandering these days? Where are the assless leather chaps and the thong underwear that were supposed to be part of the new AG Meet ensemble? This stuff, it sucks.

And I know what sucks in the fashion industry because I read Vogue Magazine.

For instance:

Pretty and Plaid Dress

This? Otherwise known as Ode to Friends. Seriously, that plaid thing layered over a shirt is pure Rachel from Friends, circa 1994. Except she had some fashion sense, so maybe it's more Darlene from Roseanne, once she started dating the nerdy guy they're now pretending is young on Big Bang Theory. What, too many obscure TV references? Whatever. Point is, this dress screams retro 1990s to me and before that it screamed scary 1970s. Screaming in horror, across the decades.

Innerstar U Outfit

Hey kids! You, too, can don the standard Monday Morning uniform worn at institutes of higher learning everywhere. You'll be stylin' when you show up to class in old sweatpants, a mismatched sweatshirt, and a beanie cap to hide the fact that you haven't washed your hair since hitting the Row last Thursday night for that Greeks Around The World bash. Unidentifiable crusty stains and unwashed funk odors not included.

Starry Logo Hoodie

This item is meant to upgrade the aforementioned college uniform. Swap this hoodie out for the green sweatshirt outfit above and you are now the goody-good Liberal Arts student who opted out of the Around the World bash in favor of watching a Jane Austen marathon on BBC America. Pro: You've now seen the good version of Persuasion. Con: You still haven't gotten any. Unless you count getting felt up by your drunk roommate as she stumbled home at 2 AM, which damn well ought to count for something.

Western Riding Outfit

Are you one of those dolls who loves the rich nuances of American History but hates that the Women's Suffrage Movement eliminated the need for specialty female riding attire? Well hey, you're in luck now! Because AG has given you the Western Riding Outfit, ironically named given that it's only practical for riding if you're groovin' on one of those European side-saddles.

Fancy Riding Outfit

AKA the Dressage Diva Ensemble, this is for the doll who asked Mumsie and Diddums for a pony for Christmas and actually got one. I have nothing more to say to the likes of you.

Sweet Treats PJs

Here we have a unusually versatile offering from AG. It is juvenile enough for a 4 year old, but transitions nicely to a sexy stripper outfit for your forty year-old exotic dancing alter-ego "Cupcake." Nipple jewelry sold separately.

Bath Wrap Set

What is that? WTF. This, for the doll who is afraid to be naked for the thirty seconds it takes to get out of the shower and put on a god-damned robe? My former cellmate Martha Stewart has a money-saving DIY tip for you: grab a dish towel (preferably clean) and sew some straps on it. Voilà! Instant doll bath wrap. Hope you took notes on that, as this project will be the next featured Sew-Along over on Playthings.

Pet Show Outfit

What happens when Sugar the Evil Yorkie of Doom yarps on this outfit at your pet show? Because you know he totally will, being the high-strung rat bastard that he is.

Pet Show Accessories

You know who did this better? Yeah, every animal toy ever made. From Puppy in my Pocket to Littlest Pet Shop to Breyer Horses, it's been DONE. C'mon, AG, step up your game. Give us some real pet show accessories: pooper-scoopers, nail clippers, scissors to cut out the matted dingleberries from your pooch's posterior, and the discrete flask of Bourbon one needs after your ten grand furry "investment" decides to pee on a judge's shoe.

2-in-1 Running Outfit

This is for when you're on a tight budget and need to outfit two dolls at once, plus you want them to look like Mary Lou Retton and Bela Karolyi.

Healthy Smile Set

The hell? AG dolls have two teeth. How much hardware do they need? For that matter, where's the dental floss? Apparently AG wants your teeth to rot so they can then sell your doll dentures?

But hey, that's got me mentally seguing to the idea of geriatric AG dolls complete with Depends, Dearfoam slippers, and motorized Scooters. AG already has a Scooter design template based on my Scooter of Fail. This is brilliant: put together a decent MyGeri-AG collection and market it to mentally regressed nursing home patients. Yeah. I'm on it.

Sugar will rot your teeth and steal your soul

I firmly believe that a girl's best friend is small and vibrates on several settings for your self-pleasuring purposes.

AG believes otherwise, and that explains a lot about them.

AG created a line of brick-bottomed, magnetic-mouthed 'girl's best friend' pets for dolls. At first it was just an albino terrier named Coconut. It's a little known fact that Coconut had gender reassignment surgery, I don't mind telling you. She is doing just fine, and thanks for asking.

AG added a tuxedo cat friend a couple years later named Licorice. I'm not a dog person, but Licorice lived here until she was unceremoniously offed by AG last month (see previous blog entry for info about her sad fate). Licorice is another example of AG's perfidy and tendency to bow under pressure. There was an email campaign with threats for a nationwide AG boycott because of course as a black cat Licorice had to be a witch's familiar. Right? So, right, no more Licorice.

After removing all the magnets from the remaining Coconuts (because they also got letters saying that magnets were tools of the devil), AG added a couple more critters to the line-up. No, not the llama. The llama belongs to Chrissa, beans and all. The new critters include a golden lab pup and a calico cat.

There is also this:


WTF! It is evil personified! Do not want!

I swear, it's something Licorice threw up. Or maybe it's something from under Jiggy's bed, tied up with a bow. I've seen better pubic wigs. It might be a tribble on hormones, which is really bad because it will multiply and take over the world in days. Or wait, is it a Wishnik troll who missed its monthly electrolysis appointment? Even, perhaps, a Furby for the new millennium?

OMG, seriously, whatever it is, it will suck your essence through its beady eyes (because it apparently has no mouth). It will steal your sweet baby's breath while it sleeps.

Godzilla wants to kill it. Hell, I want to kill it. It is scary, creepy, and inappropriate.

Thanks for Scary Yorkie of Doom, AG. They couldn't give me a parrot, oh no, no matter how significant it was to my story.



But they can crank these little bastards out by the thousands. Buy them at your peril. You've been warned.

Sorry, Licorice

Why do pets have to die in the winter when the ground is so damned frozen you couldn't get a backhoe to dig a grave? We put Licorice in the meat freezer to hold until spring. Only I guess the box got shifted around so you couldn't see the "Licorice Remains: Do Not Feed to Godzilla" note I wrote. Or else Jiggy was too drunk to notice.

Cause, yeah.

No word from Godzilla as to whether Licorice actually tasted like licorice.

RIP, kitty.

Llamas llamas everywhere, and not a bite to eat

I deeply regret that the information about llamas tasting like chicken has been disseminated on Playthings. If people find out that llamas are such good eats, the price of my llama on rye with a side of slaw is going to go up. I will not be pleased if that happens, and I will come steal your lunch money to make up the difference.

It's true, though. Llamas taste like chicken. Might as well admit it.

But llamas are apparently Da Bomb, the Next Big Thing, the new black. Who knew AG was onto something? Most days, they are merely on something. However, they are too full of themselves: I was sent this badly cropped stolen graphic from an anonymous source with an American Girl IP address.



Yeah, right. AJ obeys no llamas. Get real. Also, learn to post photos before trying to intimidate me. I scoff at your skillz.

I did receive a herd of plushie llamas from AG that I intend to keep. Jiggy said it was a peace offering but I know better; AG wants to weasel out of paying my Chrissa consulting fee and thinks the llamas will suffice. Like hell, AG.

I am going to name my herd thusly: Dolly Llama; Rama-Llama-Ding-Dong (we call him Dong for short); Osama bin Llama; Yo-Yo Llama (he plays cello, natch); and in loving tribute to the late great, Fernando Llamas (because he looks marvelous, baby).