Sunday, January 11, 2009

Sugar will rot your teeth and steal your soul

I firmly believe that a girl's best friend is small and vibrates on several settings for your self-pleasuring purposes.

AG believes otherwise, and that explains a lot about them.

AG created a line of brick-bottomed, magnetic-mouthed 'girl's best friend' pets for dolls. At first it was just an albino terrier named Coconut. It's a little known fact that Coconut had gender reassignment surgery, I don't mind telling you. She is doing just fine, and thanks for asking.

AG added a tuxedo cat friend a couple years later named Licorice. I'm not a dog person, but Licorice lived here until she was unceremoniously offed by AG last month (see previous blog entry for info about her sad fate). Licorice is another example of AG's perfidy and tendency to bow under pressure. There was an email campaign with threats for a nationwide AG boycott because of course as a black cat Licorice had to be a witch's familiar. Right? So, right, no more Licorice.

After removing all the magnets from the remaining Coconuts (because they also got letters saying that magnets were tools of the devil), AG added a couple more critters to the line-up. No, not the llama. The llama belongs to Chrissa, beans and all. The new critters include a golden lab pup and a calico cat.

There is also this:

WTF! It is evil personified! Do not want!

I swear, it's something Licorice threw up. Or maybe it's something from under Jiggy's bed, tied up with a bow. I've seen better pubic wigs. It might be a tribble on hormones, which is really bad because it will multiply and take over the world in days. Or wait, is it a Wishnik troll who missed its monthly electrolysis appointment? Even, perhaps, a Furby for the new millennium?

OMG, seriously, whatever it is, it will suck your essence through its beady eyes (because it apparently has no mouth). It will steal your sweet baby's breath while it sleeps.

Godzilla wants to kill it. Hell, I want to kill it. It is scary, creepy, and inappropriate.

Thanks for Scary Yorkie of Doom, AG. They couldn't give me a parrot, oh no, no matter how significant it was to my story.

But they can crank these little bastards out by the thousands. Buy them at your peril. You've been warned.

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