Wednesday, March 3, 2010

The Internet is a Dark and Dangerous Place

Ever Google yourself?

Of course you have. It's just not a topic that comes up in polite company. Well, go on and admit to it, because this isn't polite company. Googling oneself for fun and profit yields interesting results. Personally, I have an Entourage that Googles me regularly.

They found a lovely homage to me on YouTube, which unfortunately has since been removed by the user. It referred to my stunning visage thusly: "Creepy picture, right?" Yeah, that's right, my reputation for scary, creepy, and inappropriate preceded me. I actually quite approved of the video, especially the color dynamics. Kudos, kid, and pity you took it down. I told everyone to give you lots of stars. Next time you put up a video homage to me, remember that my personal soundtrack should include a bit of Queen, a cut from Poisonous Lookalike by Warren Zevon, that kind of thing.

The Entourage found another random comment: "I love Jess, and I will get some eventually to make into custom dolls, but Jess herself has forever been ruined for me. Now when I look at her, all I think of is Angry Jess. As much as I love AJ, no Jess will ever be as awsome (sic) as her."

Wait, what? Let's love me, and yet you hate me? You're a regular doll-loving/hating Push Me-Pull You, aren't you? Speaking of which, meet my newest llama, er, llamas.

Photo courtesy of Huffington Post. Where I am a regular contributor, under various noms de plume.

I love this comment: "I saw Angry Jess’ website a few months ago. It is very vulgar and unamusing. I can’t believe she is a moderator for AG Playthings."

Yeah, we are not amused. Vulgar? Why yes, yes, and thank you.

When on a vanity search, one passes from the sublime to the irritating to the sheer WTF. Here now, an edited-for-interest discussion made of pure WTF on another site (one which shall remain nameless to protect the WTFery):

-- Angry Jess on Blogger is SCARY! She swears a lot and gets mad
-- Well of course she does, she's Angry Jess! She is also kind of mean on AG
-- What's the link for the blog... lol... I like reading doll blogs
-- WARNING - I looked at the blog before posting this (and I wish I hadn't...), and Angry Jess says a lot of swear words and inappropriate things. I would not read it if I were you.
-- Her blog posts are basically PG-13. Be carefulon Angry Jess's blog. She thinks of Lanie as a Barbie with a polo shirt.
-- Ha ha I made a Julie one

Then they digress for mindless squee over a vaguely pissed off Julie Photoshop, one of Cleft Palate Rebecca which good taste forbids me from reposting, lame alterations of JLY dolls that boredom forbids me to further examine, and an interesting if tame rendition of Zombie Kit. Then comes a brief highjack into a discussion of what ROTFLMAO means, and an admonition that one must be 13 or older to join Playthings. Damn straight, that last bit.

Trust me, my summary of this discussion is far more interesting than the discussion itself. Back to the good parts...

-- Nope, Angry Jess is all about good grammar and punctuation, and no chatspeak on AGPlaythings. That's why she's there
-- I wouldn't get on her nerves, and I bet no one on AGPlaythings wants to. I have good grammar and use punctuation.
-- mmm-hmmm. I just CHECKED out her blog one day to see what all the fuss was about, and it scared me to heck. I couldn't believe anybody could write such vulgar things! Does she like ANYTHING?!
-- I couldn't believe someone could write things like that while being a DOLL! She is the scariest doll I've ever seen.
-- I read the blog and I wish I didn't. I hate that stupid Jess. She is just ****!JK
-- I wonder what happened to make her go so... bad...
-- Yeah, maybe her previous owner always threw her on the ground, stomped on her, kicked and/or threw dirt on her, attempted to rib (sic) her limbs and head off, attempted to cut her hair, shoved her into a toychest head first, threw books on her, threw her on concrete, and many more things. In my opinion, the Angry Jess blog should be rated.....EAINFAUTAOTOEOAWDL/UP (Explicit And Is Not For Anyone Under The Age Of Ten Or Eleven Or Anyone Who Doesen't Like/Use Profanity)
-- OK! I confess!! Sheshh!!!! I....AM SCARED OF THESE DOLLS!!!! And I am 10.
-- Theres (sic) a lot more on 'Angry Words From Angry Jess'. Go check it out, but only look at the pictures and not the words, for your own sake.

Ah, do let's discuss this, shall we? Once we get past the visual of that fan-fic description of my angry origins, that is.

First of all, kids, did you happen to see the disclaimer on my blog? You know, the one that says in big letters before you even get to see so much as a pixel of me:

Content Warning
The blog that you are about to view may contain content only suitable for adults.

Dully warned, you can proceed at your own risk or back away quietly.

Hey, guess what, kids! IF YOU ARE TEN YEARS OLD, you are supposed to GO AWAY! Not stick around and "look at the pictures and not the words." FFS! What part of "only suitable for adults" don't you understand?

Yeah, I get that your judgment might not be the best, and that the Content Warning is like a sign to a leprechaun that reads "No Gold Here." But that brings me to my next point:


Because seriously, I'm not kidding: the Internet is a dark and dangerous place. My blog is the least of your worries, parents. Let's face it: if you aren't monitoring your kids' Internet surfing and they are young enough to be scared by the likes of me, you're falling down on the job.

But since the parents clearly aren't here reading my admonitions, and the 10 year olds are, let me speak directly to the kids:

Yo, 10 year olds (or anyone else scandalized by my blog)? Putting aside the fact that you ignored all common sense by proceeding after reading the Content Warning, why are you continuing to read this blog if it bothers you? What need have you to titillate and disgust yourselves with my vulgarity? You know what is going to happen if you don't stop, don't you? That's right: you will go blind. You will grow hair on your palms. You will become insane. Your growth will be stunted. You will grow up to be sterile.

There now, you've been warned.

Oh, and speaking of masturbation? Yeah, Johnny Depp found something on that other message forum for AG dolls. Something so profoundly disturbing, so non-family friendly, so unsafe, disrespectful and unkind that I hesitate to even point it out to you, gentle readers. And yet, in my role as flattener of asshattery and puncturer of platitudinarians, I must reveal this filth, this horrifying excuse for an emoticon.

Brace yourselves.

That's right. Humpy! Kitty is getting it done.

I encourage you to randomly include as many Humpy! Kitty emoticons in your posts on all forums, AG or otherwise, as you can. Do this in honor of all that we collectively hold sacredly scary, creepy, and inappropriate.

Not to mention vulgar.


  1. AJ,
    I don't care what anyone says about you. As far as I am concerned, you are my hero. I am an 8th grade language arts teacher and I wish I could teach grammar the way you do. I would definitely get their attention!

  2. I don't care what anyone says about me, either. People are entitled to love, hate, or feel indifferent about me as I see fit. But I won't tolerate sanctimony, even from the kids.

    As for your middle school students, an equal portion of public shaming before their peers and threats that hairy palms and blindness will ensue for grammatical errors will assure they will not make the same mistakes twice. Will also assure them future hours spent in therapy to get over that trauma but, yeah, that's so not your problem.

  3. 'I couldn't believe anybody could write such vulgar things!'

    This girl really hasn't seen the worst side of the internet if she thinks you're vulgar. No offense Jess, but you and everything else is tame compared to /b/.
    And the 'only look at the pictures and not the words' idea cracks me up.

  4. I likely do epitomize vulgar to a ten year old....which is precisely why her parents should be monitoring her Internet usage. The adults who are scandalized by me but keep coming back to read more have no excuse.

    And yeah, I predict a stellar academic career for anyone with a "don't read the words" attitude.

  5. My guess is that the 10 year old's parents have everything on their computer "blocked" so they think their child is going somewhere safe.

    I work with 10 year old's each day, I have heard way more vulgar things, seen far more weapons, and caught them doing things WAY less lady like than you do AJ.

    As on the internet, parents don't usually have a clue as to what their kiddo's experience on the playground. If they actually spent some time in the kiddo's classrooms they would know what kind of world they have left their 10 year old's to figure out for themselves.

  6. The content warning is self explanitory, so you aren't liable for anything kids might read/see.

    Also, lol, at that emoticon.

  7. Well, your just mean! HOW OLD ARE YOU?

  8. The intended force of your righteous pre-pubescent indignation is mitigated by your resounding ignorance. It's you're, honey, not your.

  9. Just delicious!