Saturday, May 29, 2010

I am your vinyl Grammar Goddess, and I am all right

So someone (read: one of those AGPT mods whom I refuse to publicly acknowledge) linked me to THIS, created by a self-described "grammatically conscientious person who frequents internet forums and YouTube." That right there is a rare breed.

I bring this link to your attention because I think the Alot is a stroke of brilliance, maybe even two strokes, possibly three. And yeah, if I think it's brilliant, you know it really is some kind of fucking brilliant.

To display my reverence for this anthropomorphic snarky genius, I have decided to add a pet Alot to my menagerie. Hopefully Godzilla won't eat it. Or alternately, that it won't eat Toshi. That would be a tragedy of epic food chain proportions, but I suppose it's a risk I'm going to have to take.

You know what else I need to add while I'm at it? A pet Alright. The Alright's name derives from its physical appearance, as all its outward features protrude from the right side, creating a most unusual effect. Witness:

I claim copyright for the Alright, but now it is in your brain (more on that below). The Alright is necessary because, hey, guess what kids? Brace yourselves: there is no such word as "alright."

The proper usage is "all right."

One could make an argument for "allright" as a compound word, if one were sufficiently lubricated by one's beverage of choice and arguing with someone who is not me. Because that compound word argument fails. Think about it: it's not like you start dropping letters out of the middle of other compound words. Why would you do so to alleged compound word allright? I mean, it's not a "balroom" or a "bilboard" or "dicwad," is it? Therefore, citing grammatical precedent, it's not all right to use alright.

And you know, I blame this slipping of standards on The Who. I like The Who, but can't forgive them for coining alright. To prove my point: CLICK HERE. Whoa, cosmic lipsynching fail! Seriously, what were the electic guitars plugged into, a duck's ass? The punters in the background all have very proper "WTF?" looks on their faces, probably because Pete Townsend had clearly not yet perfected his trademark windmill move. Maybe the guitars were plugged into Pete's ass, I don't know.

Anyway, I curse The Who for this non-standard abbreviation. Curse them! Even the American Dictionary, swimming in vernacular tides, decided in 1996 that they might as well acknowledge 'alright' as a wordage. Yeah, well, they suck.

You people, you write what you will. But remember this: every time you use the word 'alright' that Alright up there is going to crawl into your right ear and take a bite out of your brain.

And you know, the Alright's steady chomping away of your brain meats may very well explain the existence of The Squee:



  1. You really need to quit dissing The 'Oo. Unless you want to meet Righteously Undead Keith Moon in a dark alley.

  2. Dude (and I assume you are a dude or one who aspires to dudedom in his deepest, most pathetic fantasies). Do NOT threaten me with bodily harm from Righteously Undead Keith Moon. Righteously Bald Undead Yul Brynner can kick Keith Moon's ass blindfolded with one decomposing hand tied behind his back. And if he needed to call in reinforcements, Yul's pal Righteously All-Natural Euell Gibbons will be there in a flash to kick Moon's grapenuts to the curb.

  3. Weird, that's the second time today that somebody's link has directed me to Hyperbole And A Half. I think it may be my new addiction. Have you seen the Sneaky Hate Spiral one? I get the feeling Jess has "alot" of days like that... la la la la bamba.

  4. Don't misunderestimate Righteously Undead Keith Moon. His posse includes Righteously Undead John ("The Ox") Entwistle and all those dead drummers from Spinal Tap. The Ox was a kindres spirit, after all - for one solo album he devoted a third of the budget to liqour:

  5. kindred, not kindres

  6. Misunderestimate, really? W, has it come to this? From president of the United States to Angry Jess blog commentator?

    Don't get me wrong: I believe the kids are all right. I do not underestimate the kick-ass potential of the undead Whos or Taps. I merely object to their designated Righteous status. You've got to have some other adjectival moderator in there, dude. Righteously what?