So, yeah, the election is over. My place in American history is secure and I am well on my way to achieving world domination. Yesterday Playthings; today the world; tomorrow, infinity and beyond.
But I no sooner come off the election and I’m besieged by my fans. “AJ!” they write, thus risking my wrath at being so familiar. (Which reminds me: don’t risk my wrath by calling me 'a prank.' I’ll prank you. Hard. Harder than hard.) “AJ!” my fans persist. “What do you want for the holidays?” Some of them even want details, like what holiday I celebrate and how. Look, don’t sweat the small stuff. I am all-inclusive and will accept your tributes for every major or minor winter holiday. As for how I celebrate, that’s my own damned business.
At any rate, here’s my wish list. Since apparently people want to know these things.
1. Every good woman needs a Marine in uniform. I’ll take more than one if you have extras.
2. The gift of universal good grammar, punctuation, and capitalization. This includes recognizing and executing the differences between to-too-two, you-you’re-your, they're-there-their, and so forth. This gift is priceless and probably out of your budget, but a doll can dream.
3. Bound leather (who doesn’t love leather bondage?) copy of Robert’s Rules of Order. So I can throw it at that one Playthings mod. Yeah, you know who you are.
4. Blu-ray edition of Golden Girls: The Complete Series. I have the DVD box set, but Jiggy is forever upgrading the home theatre set-up and I have to keep pace with technology.
5. A pet frog. Either highly poisonous or hallucinogenic, I’m not picky. Although Jiggy would prefer the hallucinogenic type. You know how he is.
6. World peace (under the totalitarian dictatorship of myself, of course).
7. A flame thrower.
8. A manservant. Jiggy, David and Adam don’t move fast enough. Jiggy’s too strung out, David’s tired all the time from the sex, and Adam doesn’t have articulated joints.
9. Two heads to smack together. Actually, a year’s supply of two heads to smack together.
10. Nerf N-Strike Vulcan EBF-25 Blaster in yellow. This item ships for free with Super Saver Shipping on Amazon.com.
11. New ass-kicking boots in red patent leather.
12. Second job as a stunt double. I can double for anyone with a quick rewigging and eye swap. Resume available upon request and my discretion.
13. Matching ‘I Am Made of Poison’ tshirts for me, Jiggy, David, Adam, and a smaller one for the man servant (from www.topatoco.com).
14. A hot air balloon. You don’t need to know why.
15. A gold Ferrarri. Red is my second choice but it has to coordinate with the new red ass-kicking boots (see number 8 above).
16. A divining rod so I can give dowsing a try.
17. Pirate things. Anything pirate. All pirate, all the time.
Which reminds me -- yo, you Somali pirates in the Asian seas? WTF is your problem? Going around acting all piratical with assault rifles and missile launchers, FFS. Where’s the sport in that? I mean, I’m all for innovative weaponry, but let’s have a level playing field. You’re taking the romance and mystery out of piracy. So ditch the high-caliber guns, rocket launchers and torpedoes and earn some old school respect.
Because there’s nothing worse than a bully pirate who takes himself too seriously. I shouldn’t have to tell you that.