In which I consider a new Sworn Enemy

Jiggy recently suggested that I add a new Sworn Enemy. I'm never loath to consider such suggestions, but who to add? There is a veritable plethora of options. I was going to pick Mahmoud Ahmadinejad on principle but the Secret Service has already bugged my muslin ass and I decided I didn't need them giving me any more trouble.

That's right, the Secret Service has bugged my muslin ass. They wanted inside information about why Jiggy turned himself blue. Why they thought they'd find that information inside my muslin ass is a mystery best kept by the Secret Service. I'm pretty sure all they found in there was premium polyester fiberfill, but I'm not going to vouch for that publicly. A doll needs to keep her secrets.

What? Yeah, it's true: Jiggy turned himself blue. Not like painting himself with woad a la the Picts (True fact: we don't actually know that the Picts painted themselves blue or any other hue. But if they did they wouldn't have used woad because woad makes a terrible body paint. All the other Celts would have laughed at the Picts for trying it, because they all knew woad was a great source of dye for clothing but doesn't work well as a body decoration). No, not woad; Jiggy has been ingesting silver treatments. Like this dude:



That's Paul Karason, aka Papa Smurf, who began ingesting silver to treat a bad case of dermatitis. He treated his skin, all right.

Ever one for novel pharmaceutical experiments, and mindful that the art theme for 2011 Burning Man was 'rites of passage,' Jiggy mainlined colloidal silver in order to turn himself blue.

However, the Secret Service believes that Jiggy has turned blue due to exposure to Cherenkov radiation and consequently developed superpowers a la Dr. Manhattan. I have not seen evidence of Jiggy developing Dr Manhattanesque superpowers, which is extremely disappointing. However, Jiggy claims he can telepathically control all of the pink pajama-clad You & Me Interactive Play & Giggle Triplets so they mutter "F*ck you, you crazy bitch" in baby-ese.



If true, I think this would make Jiggy the Borg King of Baby Dolls.

There's potential in Jiggy's new super-power, perhaps enough to see us through the temporary insolvency resulting from the unfortunate enforced shut-down of the Shave Ice and Cut-Rate Pharmaceutical Stand. Think about it. Today we give you the foul-mouthed pink-pajama-clad Triplet Borg. Tomorrow: Mo-Fo McKenna, American Girl GOTY-12 Borg. This is definitely within the realm of possibilities since we've already proven our capabilities by configuring mini Marie-Grace's face mold so she's frozen in mid F-bomb drop:



These altered profane Borg dolls will fly off the shelves. Resistance is futile.

Jiggy says he'll get right on the Mo-Fo-ization of McKenna as soon as he aces that audition with the Blue Man Group. He has been hanging out in department store men's rooms, honing his harmonica skills by playing.................................................................

Wait for it.....................................................................
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The Blues.

As for the new Sworn Enemy, Jiggy suggested I go with James Bond. I disagree. I think it is a far nobler thing to add James Bond to the Entourage. But so many Bonds, so little time! Sean? Roger? Pierce? There's nearly one for every day of the week. Too complicated.

You know, on second thought, I'm pretty sure Jiggy brought this whole thing up as an excuse to Google "Pussy Galore" with plausible deniability.

Go ahead, try it. It pretty much brings up what you'd expect.

Terrible, Awful, No Good, Very Bad AJ

The other day I was accused of being a terrible, awful, no good, very bad human being.

I clicked my tongue against my two front teeth over the WTFery inherent in that statement. I wholeheartedly accept the descriptive homage, which I think was meant to be insulting. Duh, where have you been, over-wrought writer? I aspire to nothing less than terrible, awful, no good and very bad and exceed all of those on a good day. On a bad day, I am terrifying beyond your wildest nightmares.

But "human being?" I don't think so. Them's fightin' words.

The writer stopped short of saying I eat puppies for breakfast but I am pretty sure she suspects me of that, too. Why is this a bad thing? I'm here to tell you that puppies taste great when they're little and roly-poly, especially with the right seasoning (Read: the tears of AGPT members - mmm, salty). Cats are too stringy and are therefore not part of my regular diet. Before you run off screaming that my palate is feline discriminatory, no, stop right there. One can absolutely create interesting hors d'œuvre with cat, but they leave a lingering aftertaste of tennis racket and violin string. Do not want.

I digress. I'm here to post a public response to my would-be detractor, she who dared denigrate me as a human being. Dear one, go ye now into the wilderness, produce a flowing body of salty puppy seasoning, build a (grammatically correct) structure to spam it, and use it to transport yourself from one side to the other, gementes et flentes in hac lacrimarum valle.

Remember that Oscar Wilde once said "Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much...except for your Sworn Enemies."

What? He meant to add that last bit.

聖パトリックのハッピーデイ

Top of the Irish to you.

I don't even know what that means. But I'm half-Irish, you know, so I'm talking the talk and walking the walk in my ass-kicking green boots. That's right, green ass-kicking boots. Never let it be said that AJ isn't fashion forward and color coordinated.



Also, I dyed my hair green for the day. All of my hair. No pics of that.

Anyway, I'd like to take this solemn Irish occasion to address some concerns related to the other half of my ancestry. Because I'm half-Japanese, you know. And right now, I'm celebrating St Patrick's Day in Japan. This sort of sucks, because there's no green beer and also, the nation of Japan has just experienced the worst natural disaster since Charlie Sheen...but more about him later. Just in case you are in denial and have your head buried in...whatever...an 8.9 magnitude earthquake hit Japan last week approximately 250 miles northeast of Tokyo, causing a tsunami that resulted in incomprehensible destruction in northern Japan and has precipitated a potential nuclear disaster.

I've been called to Japan because of my expertise in disaster relief, seeing as how I survived my own AG collection and gone onto bigger and better things. That plus I'm half-Japanese, you know.

Thus I'm here to tell you people how you are going to help Japan in its hour of need. What you need to do is this: put down the green beer for a couple seconds and go donate money to each of the following organizations. You need to do this by midnight tonight, and I've got all AG dolls on high alert to make sure it happens. So don't wimp out...or else. I'm half-Japanese, you know.

Salvation Army
** Text the words Japan or Quake to 80888 to contribute $10 to disaster relief efforts. The donation will be charged to your next phone bill.
** Call 1-800-SAL-ARMY (725-2769) or visit www.disaster.salvationarmyusa.org.

Red Cross
** Text REDCROSS to 90999. The text sends $10 to the Red Cross and charges the money to your next phone bill.
** Call 1-800-RED-CROSS (733-27677) or visit www.redcross.org and donate to Japan Earthquake and Pacific Tsunami relief.

International Medical Corps
** Text MED to 80888 to give $10 to International Medical Corps and learn about other ways you can help medical teams provide support and health care.

Lady Gaga Prayer Bracelet
What? My close personal friend Lady Gaga has designed a $5 "We Pray For Japan" Wristband and it's for sale right now on her website, with all proceeds going to tsunami relief efforts. You can also give an additional donation, which you'd best do because it's not wise to piss off Lady Gaga. Click HERE for that.

Facebook Global Disaster Relief Page
Yeah, this one is for you people who play those boring Facebook games and want your time to actually, you know, be put to good use. You can donate money by purchasing virtual goods in CityVille, FrontierVille, FarmVille and those other crap games, with the objective of raising $2 million for Save the Children's Japan Earthquake Tsunami Emergency Fund. Click HERE to find out more about that.

There. Now you people on Playthings know why I've not been commenting on your pervy threads comparing my underwear to Molly's (WTF? And really, what makes you think I actually wear underwear? I'm half-Irish, you know.) or correcting your pathetic grammar and spelling (because that's a lost cause anyway). Clearly I have more important things to do than babysit you lot. And also, in case you haven't noticed, you cannot evoke, provoke, or summon me by clicking your heels and sassing with faux-chatspeak in your posts. In fact the harder you try, the more pathetically attention-seeking you appear to be. Seriously, do I look like your first grade teacher? I'm half-Japanese and half-Irish, you know. Get it straight, people: I choose the place and time of my apparitions, not you. Indeed, given my humanitarian mission right now, I scoffed at your shameful presumptions that I've nothing better to do than recover from Mardi Gras, get in fighting shape for St Patrick's Day, plot for April Fool's and party with Charlie Sheen.

Because let me tell you about Charlie Sheen. Charlie Sheen is my Sworn Enemy. We had this Thing, last summer when he was in between pr0n stars and wives, wherein I allowed him to join the Entourage on a trial basis. That didn't last long. Two and a Half Men? Yeah, well, Charlie's less than half a man, if you know what I mean. And also, he's a thief. I was working on a performance art piece at the time called Winners that featured me and Jiggy as a pair of star-crossed lovers masquerading as a half-Japanese, half-Irish goddess and a Vatican assassin warlock. We effortlessly and magically converted tin cans into pure gold and lobbed violent torpedoes of truth on a daily basis. We had magic and poetry in our fingertips most of the time (and this includes naps) and only rarely needed to dine on llama blood to replenish our strength. All the other gnarly gnarlingtons' lives were shameful train wrecks filled with blind cuddly puppies, but we defeated earthworms with our words...and you can only imagine what we could have done with our fire-breathing fists.

So you see, in a funny way, I'm responsible for Charlie Sheen. Because that bastard Carlos Irwin Estevez stole my high concept and is using all my best material! Rest assured that I'm not going to let this pass. I'm busy in Japan but I've got Cousin Antonin on the case back home. I had to get in touch with him anyway last week for his 75th birthday. I called him up and shouted obscenities at him. He knew it was me; it's an old family tradition. So yeah, I called in some favors and Cousin Antonin will take care of Carlos for me. And if he doesn't, Righteously Bald Undead Yul Brynner is on the job. Because Charlie Sheen, he's my Sworn Enemy, and we all know what happens to my sworn enemies.

Macy's sucks.

Last week Mariah Carey announced she was having twins. I presume this means she'll count for two Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade balloons, as she'll be that inflated.

I haven't thought about Mimi in ages, actually. She's certainly not significant enough to make my List, nor is she one of my Sworn Enemies. But thinking about her reminds me of the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade. I missed celebrating Thanksgiving in real time because we were in Costa Rica and couldn't find any canned cranberry jelly.

What was I doing in Costa Rica? Never you mind.

Anyway, thinking of Mariah Carey made me feel like watching the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade, so I TiVod it. Not because I actually LIKE watching parades, mind you. They are boringly predictable: floats and/or balloons, celebrities, occasionally some nice old cars, marching bands and more marching bands, and if you're really lucky some horses in diapers. And I'm here to tell you people, the Macy's parade was both amusing and awful. Let me break it down for you, blow-by-blow, AJ-style:

First off we need to assume that the real thing is way better in person, sans incessant interruptions from commercial breaks. Even better if sans marching bands. Does anyone really like watching marching bands? I mean, really? I see that One Mod raising her hand; figures. Look, no one whose kid isn't in the band is likely to plunk down $100 to get front row seats to a marching band performance. Marching bands are even more torturous to watch on TV than in real life because televised sound quality sucks so hard that the bands seem like they are all playing the same song. People don't realize (likely because they don't have me around to remind them) that in this age of digital remixing, the only reason marching bands have survived this long is because they have been conflated with football. Voilà! Football = built-in marching band survival plan!

What was I talking about? Oh yeah, the parade. Well, it has cheerleaders...or maybe dancers. I've never been sure of the difference, since as far as I can tell they serve basically the same function and also, cheerleaders dance. Dance teams do perhaps less cheering. Not all dancers are cheerleaders, though, so it's confounding. What's funny about the Macy's dancers/cheerleaders is that because there are so damn many of them, what with the way the sound is carrying, those at one end are out of sync with those at the other end. Ha ha, Macy's dance/cheerleader Fail. But Fail sighting notwithstanding, it's all way too peppy for me. And the costumes look like something envisioned by Mattel.

Following cheerleader/dancer Fail comes an interview with Random Actor, who while reasonably attractive and using passable grammar, has nothing profound to say. I think he was promoting something but I don't know what it was since Jiggy chose that moment to let loose a cannon volley on the roof. Random Actor was followed by show tunes on a float. Show tunes performed during shows are bad enough, but on a float? Fail. I am reminded to ask if this "Memphis" is a Broadway musical about segregation? That's got guaranteed success written all over it, because audiences have been clamoring for segregation showstopper tunes for ages.

Also, I want to know why the women are in costume but half the men are wearing just khakis and polo shirts. That's a costume? Hell, that's what that One Mod wears to work every day. (Jiggy has been spying on her via webcam for blackmail material, if you're wondering how I know that. At least that's why he's supposed to be spying on her...).

Moving onto random songs that are, well, passable. I mean, my ears aren't bleeding or anything in response. Sonali's ears would be bleeding, though, since they are blobby. (Don't tell her I mentioned that; she's still so sensitive about the Blobby Ear Haters).

Commercials. Too many. And that commercial with the baby on the interstate ranks up there on my list of Most Annoying Commercials, Ever. The song is irritating and the baby isn't All That. Every baby looks like Winston Churchill anyway.

According to the Macy's Parade, there's now a Green Day musical. WTF. This trend of stringing together musicals from band repertoires has to stop. It's lazy and shiftless. Don't even talk to me about Mamma Mia. Don't especially talk to me about Mamma Mia, the movie.

What this parade doesn't need is a giant inflatable Spongebob. And giant inflatable Smurfs. And yet somehow, both of these balloons managed to sneak into the lineup, and there's nary a sign of Mariah Carey.

Al Roker is not as funny as he thinks he is. He ought to stop getting in the way of marching bands. As boring as marching bands are, I concede that it is probably difficult to carry a full set of drums whilst marching. I keep hoping a marching band will stampede and smash puny Al Roker. He'd not have needed gastric bypass if he'd simply gotten in the way of a marching band. Stampede = instant weight loss.

This parade is not a total waste: it features a fake!Johnny Cash. I'll take what I can get until my clone project succeeds. This guy can at least lip sync decently, so if nothing else he gets bonus points for that.

Fake!Johnny aside, I'm getting bored. How many aerial shots of New York City do we need? You can only look at the balloons for so long anyway. At least I can. For so long. It's been too long already. And there needs to be a law about how many random product placement interviews with random stars that individuals can be exposed to per parade. I'm going to talk with Cousin Antonin about this.

Seeing as how it's New York, yeah, The Rockettes are here. While Jiggy admires their flexibility, I find them boring. Also, I happen to know that most of them can't spell their way out of a paper bag. I keep wondering when the nude edition is going to debut. Nude Rockette shows would be a must-see tourist attraction, seeing as how Times Square is so boring now. And plus Radio City Music Hall is only a hop-skip-and-a-jump from American Girl Place. AG could even get in on the action and sell store exclusive Rockette G-strings and pasties for its My AG line.

Alton Brown is dressed like a pilgrim and riding a turkey. I appreciate that on several levels. I would totally hire him to cook for me on George Foreman's days off. However, this float, it is ruined by a Clay Aiken clone. Playing a yellow piano. Bopping along to his own "music." Stop that, Clay Aiken clone. Go stand over there with Al Roker.

I am coming to the conclusion that the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade is an exercise in total absurdity, with or without Mariah Carey. I think I just saw bobblehead pilgrims. That's right. Pilgrim bobbleheads. Oh oh oh, but here's something good: what appears to be Lamie's float, complete with giant, scary creepy and (probably) inappropriate woodland animals. Sandra Lee is on it, and she either doesn't know what to do or else she's bored with waving. There are also lots of peace signs. Why? Oh wait, Arlo Guthrie, that's why. I thought he was dead. He looks like he should be. And also, he looks like Santa Fe threw up on him. There is an unidentified random chick standing with him and singing; why is this? Did the chattering heads tell us and I wasn't paying attention because I don't give a damn? Ha, maybe it's Alice.

Speaking of people who can't sing, who the hell told Jimmy Fallon he could sing, and who gave him those douchebag glasses? Oh wait, Jiggy says he did. Way to go, Jiggy.

In terms of parade transportation, I have to say that Ronald McDonald's shoe car is ugly. The Weinermobile, however, is perfection on wheels. Also, Ronald's balloon is creepy. Clowns are scary enough without making them gigantic, okay? How many kids do you think went to this parade or watched it on television, and are still traumatized even now? Clown PTSD is real. It's in the DSM-IV. Fuck clowns. Clowns are my sworn enemies.

Mannheim Steamroller is fantabulous. Period. No need to discuss this. It is an established fact.

There is an Uncle Sam balloon and I can only conclude that the government can't afford a balloon that looks like it was made by someone out of elementary school.

The parade features a Pizza Spinning Team. I like this. I like this so much that I am going to have the Entourage train as a Pizza Spinning Team for Naked Wednesdays. Parades need more random shit like this to make them tolerable and interesting. Enough with endless repetition of float - Broadway musical performance - celebrity lip syncing - marching band - float -- Broadway musical performance - celebrity lip syncing - marching band - float --

There is, however, one good float: a pirate ship on wheels. FML, I need one. We need new wheels anyway since we finally sold the camper. My Macy's choices are either pirate float or Weinermobile, because the fugliness of the Jimmy Dean float defies my descriptive powers to convey. It's an orgasm of neon airbrushing mounted by people dressed up as breakfast foods. Ha ha, sausage man. There is also a Princess Academy thing that looks like Mattel's wet dream. So far as I can tell that float was built entirely of ego.

Parade features Big Time Rush, that band from the self-titled Nick show. The band is made up of four brothers who are exactly the same age. Three of them are pasty white dudes. One is named Carlos. Either they're all adopted or something was going down in that family. But hey, I don't judge. Possibly the parents genetically engineered their own boy band to be super pretty, good at boy band dances, and vocally competent. Perhaps I ought to talk to their parents to get some genetic engineering tips for the Warren Cash project. I notice one of the Big Time Rushes isn't allowed to have a solo, so maybe that genetic engineering stuff wasn't entirely a success. Tricky stuff, DNA.

There is a Stomp knockoff group that is kind of cool. Not as awesome as the Pizza Spinning Team, though. OTOH, Pizza Spinning Team doing Stomp impression, that would revolutionize the world as we know it.

Now here we have Gladys Knight. Gladys is looking lovely these days despite her advanced age. Why can't Gladys Knight be on every float? I'll add her to my "to clone" list. I like writing the word "Gladys." If Jiggy and I had a vinyl-human-hybrid-love-child we'd name him Gladys, I think.

OMGF, it's Kanye West! Doesn't he have better things to do than show up at the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade? This is so sad. Most of the celebrities at this shindig are up-and-comers, teen starlets, or aging stars looking to jump-start some royalties on their old portfolios. And then there's Kanye. Whose minders apparently told him that appearing at the Macy's parade would rehabilitate his image.

Ha ha, having someone standing at the top of the "Big Apple" to be the stem is hilariously pathetic.

"As her students and instructors perform a traditional Bollywood dance...." What exactly is "a traditional Bollywood dance?" Which is to say, here the NBC commentators are talking out their asses once again.

I have to end this soon because I can't stand it any more so let me put it bluntly: a plethora of dancing, singing people in penguin costumes is a sign of the coming Apocalypse. Happy Feet is creepy in real life and life-sized penguins should not sing and dance. Not ever. That is all.

I'm fast forwarding past Victoria "Jailbait" Justice (Jiggy wants to know, is she eighteen yet?) and lots of lip syncing and other fail. And....there's Santa. OMFG, that's an hour of my life gone and I can turn this shit off now. What was I thinking?

To sum up: Macy's and its parade suck. Mariah's gestational debut appearance would have improved this debacle. Don't take that statement to assume that I am pro-Mariah. I am, however, anti-marching band, anti-lip syncing, anti-autotuning, anti-Kanye and anti-show tunes. Also, anti-clown. And I do appreciate the irony of Macy's declaring the start of the holiday season on Thanksgiving, given that its actual retail establishments declared the start sometime in late October.

Regardless of when it started, soon it will be over. And not a moment too soon.

There will be a test tomorrow.

I'm still pissed about under-aged girls getting their training thongs in a bunch about me. So here's the deal: I'm instituting a new policy over at AG Playthings. Anyone I suspect of lying about her age must pass this test before becoming a member of the forum. Mostly this is so I can be assured that the little charmers have enough common sense that the mods won't spend all day undoing their spam. Because seriously, the mods have better things to do, like cleaning my casino. That's right, I have a casino.

Here's the quiz.

You join the AGPT Message Forum. On your first day there, do you:
a) Post the same message to every thread you read.
b) Create a sales listing using stock photos, and tell people to make you an offer.
c) Create a listing for your brand new doll repair business, even though your skills are pretty much limited to brushing hair, changing clothing and taking badly lit photos.
d) All of the above


Oh, hey, look: it's the official thread on Lanie's release! You reply with:
a) "Hey, will anyone sell me their Lanie doll?!?!?!?"
b) "Supppp every1?"
c) Actually, you don't reply. You start a new thread about Lanie. Then you start five more. Then after you get yelled at, you delete your posts so none of the threads make any sense.
d) All of the above


The FAQ is:
a) The noise a duck makes.
b) A word you shouldn't use around your mother. Or grandmother. Your Dad doesn't care.
c) Tremendously long and boring.
d) All of the above


Cross-posting is:
a) I don't know, but it sounds kind of kinky.
b) Something they do in soccer, right?
c) My best friend got banned 4 it and its so not fair cuz u people r stalking what we do on the Interwebs plus who cares its just dollz.
d) What?


Necroing threads is:
a) Gross!!one11!!eleventy
b) When you reply to a thread whose last reply is older than two weeks.
c) Does it involve a zombie invasion?
d) Funny, lololol.


How do you write 'you are' as a contraction?
a) Your
b) You're
c) Your're
d) Yarr


Select the option with the proper word usage:
a) See Dick run. Run, Dick, run before Cthulhu grabs you with it's tentacles.
b) Jane is playing with Cthulhu. Its a stupid thing to do.
c) Angry Jess is awesome.


Angry Jess is:
a) Scary
b) Creepy
c) Inappropriate
d) Awesomer than you
e) All of the above


Jiggy's favorite hobbies are:
a) cussing, getting drunk, dropping acid, and betting on ponies
b) fomenting anarchy and disrupting the world order
c) wearing dresses
d) alchemy
e) prank-calling Cousin Antonin
f) eating lobster at midnight on the third Saturday of each month that has two or more vowels
g) smuggling firearms into Third World countries
h) racing sea turtles
i) cultivating poppies
j) identifying exotic roadkill as practice for classifying human remains post-nuclear holocaust
k) all of the above


My birthday is:
a) January 1
b) June 21
c) April 1
d) May 1


My favorite holiday is:
a) St. Patrick's Day
b) Mardi Gras
c) Talk Like a Pirate Day
d) April Fool's
e) All of the above


My sworn enemy is:
a) Billy Mays
b) Eminem
c) John Mayer
d) Mariah Carey
e) Kanye West
f) American Girl
g) That one mod on the top of my list
h) Lamie
i) Mary Kay
j) Too many to list


My entourage consists of
a) Jiggy Nye
b) David Duchovny
c) Adam Carpatina
d) The Rock
e) Johnny Depp
f) Every custom AG boy doll ever made, or to be made
g) All men want me
h) Many women want me
i) You want me
j) All of the above


Essay question:
You are driving a bus. At the first stop, eleven people get on. At the second stop, 5 people get off and 7 get on. At the third stop 14 people get on and 6 have to stand, but no one offers a seat to the pregnant lady. At the fourth stop a guy dies on the bus but the control center won't authorize a medical stop. At the fifth stop, this one guy sends his kid up in a flying saucer, but no one cares because they've all been there, done that. At the sixth stop a guy gets off, throws up on the sidewalk, then gets back on the bus. At the seventh stop, the wheels on the bus go round and round. Why is Angry Jess awesome?


Extra Credit:
Write a response to the following the way you should if it was a topic on the forum. Use a dictionary, thesaurus, spell-check, descriptive imagery, and alliteration: Angry Jess is to Bea Arthur as Lanie is to ________.


So, yeah. I think I've got all the important screening criteria covered. If you have more questions that will help weed out the pre-pubescent posers, drop me a line. Be serious about this, though; don't waste my time with trifles.