Friday, September 18, 2009


So while I was vacationing on Johnny Depp’s island this summer, I got to thinking about how much I hate Mariah Carey. I don’t have any specific reason to hate Mariah Carey, although certainly Glitter should be reason enough for anyone to despise her. Nonetheless, I declared her scary, creepy, and inappropriate back in January, and I stand by that. Because you know, her father is an aeronautical engineer and her mother is an opera singer. Seriously, WTF happened to you, Mariah? You gave us Glitter?

But if forced to take sides between Mariah and Eminem (which is a terrible thing to have to do, but sometimes hard choices must be made), I’d have to go with Mariah. I don’t care if they dated or whatever. The plain fact is, in the words of the immortal Bea Arthur, “That man is a douchebag.” (Yeah, so maybe she didn’t really say that about Eminem, but she thought it). And lest you worry about any mental inconsistencies involved, rest assured that I choose not to think of being anti-Eminem as being pro-Mariah Carey. I prefer to think of it as being on the same side as Bea Arthur. The Winning Side. The side that prefers balls. Because we all know Eminem is a ball-less wonder. Eminem is my Sworn Enemy. He picks on washed-up pop tarts because yeah, ole Slim Shady, he knows he won’t survive five minutes if he goes after a fellow rapper. I’d like to see him piss off Pink, honestly. She punched John Mayer in the balls for making sexist remarks at her after a show. That’s the real reason Mayer and Jennifer Aniston broke up; thanks to Pink, he can’t get it up any more. Jackasses, these men.

And of course, that brings me to Jackass Extraordinaire, Kanye West, Jackass of the Moment. Granted, he’s maybe sharing that moment with Joe Wilson. I figure the two of them will soon star together in a self-aggrandizing cinematic masterpiece on par with Mariah Carey’s tour de force in Glitter. It will be hosted by the Banff Crashing Squirrel. I can see it now:

But I’ll tell you what, in this season of political turmoil, Americans are finally united in hatred of Kanye’s unadulterated, preening douchebaggery. That’s no small accomplishment, so part of me thinks Kanye ought to get a medal. But then he goes and does THIS.

Kanye, seriously, that’s a bad, bad move. Because President Obama, he’s an honorary Jedi.

Do NOT mess with him, Kanye. You’ve been warned.

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