I am many things. Sex goddess, leading presidential candidate, poet, advice-giver to the lovelorn, moderator extraordinaire, recovering addict, Nobel Prize Winner, one hell of a good dancer, and now, entrepreneur. Let me explain the latter.
You remember that line of eu de skunk, spunk, and stink that AG produced with Bath and Body Works? Well, the whole line is going belly up, just as I always predicted it would. I mean, really, who wants to smell like strawberries and apples? Little girls?
My point is this: AG needs to get edgier. Times are tough; no one wants to pay a company to distill and package what they can create themselves by rubbing a wee dram of apple juice on their pulse points. AG needs a unique, affordable product line.
(insert dirty joke here)
AG begged me to collaborate on a new bath and body line. Jess, they said, you know RANK. You've survived your own pathetic collection, months in the rainforest, AGPlaythings, and close proximity with Jiggy Nye.
I couldn't argue with that; I do know rank. And I can do so much better. My new line is called Revenge is Sweet and includes the following:
Sweet Stank of Superiority Perfume
That Shine's From the Murders Shampoo
My Hair's Body Kicks Your Body's Ass Hair Conditioner
Blood of 1000 Virgins Bath Salts
My Dog Has Rabies Shower Foam
Morning Anti-Hangover Invigorating Shower Gel
Afternoon Cover-Up-the-Binge-Drink-Smell Calming Body Spritz
Bitchslap that BO Deoderant
The accompanying Lip Gloss for Lushes line incorporates signature scents which I know will appeal to my comrades in rehab. But the lip glosses are totally compatible with working the program, since they taste like either chalk or Vaseline. So yeah, no chance of catching a buzz by eating the lip gloss, you drunks. Don't lie to me...I know that was your first thought.
Lip Gloss for Lushes:
Beer and Cheeseballs
Martini and Olives
Rum & Coca Cola Rambler
Whiskey, Tango, Foxtrot
We'll be debuting a men's line soon called Get Jiggy.